Not good. Not better. Nothing..

I love hunger. I love being empty. I love getting smaller and smaller. I hate seeing the same number on the scale.

I planned on not eating til tomorrow but.. I had 3 crackers and a slice of cheese. That's about 100 calories? or less. I got on the treadmill for half an hour. Burned 300 calories and then did about 50 crunches. That's alot considering I haven't napped in 2 days. I'm a sleep-a-holic. I need like 15 hours a day/night to function right. The only reason I was wasn't numb to my hunger was becuase I didn't sleep much last night. Sleep helps me get numb.

I'm staying at 145lbs but.. I'm actually happy. I was 153lbs earilier this summer, this is progress no matter how I look at it. But it's not good. Not better. There is no 'good' or 'better' til I see my ribs and my hips and thighs are no longer taking over the world. People are noticing, at least, that I'm shrinking.. a little. People at the barn say things like "Oh my! losing weight?" It lets me know I'm getting my job done. I'm getting closer to my goal.
I don't exactly have a goal weight. Just a goal in general. GET SMALL. I wana be beautiful. I wana be thin. I'm getting there.

I also stole more laxatives from my mom for weak moments. They're not crazy strong and empty your body completely like the good ones I took, but they help. But hey, help is help, right? I'll munch today, maybe. No more than 500 calories. (when I limit myself like this I always end up staying wayyyy below) I prolly won't have more than 2 more crackers and a bite of something yummy.

I feel good today. I'd work out more but I already showered and I'm on my way to doing the girl stuff like my nails and what not. I'm also cleaning my room. The cat hair in here all over my sheets is killing me now.

If I'm not 144 or less by tomorrow, I'm slicing up my body and throwing myself down a sewer.
...Shit. Might as well not eat til Wednesday.