QUICK! HELP!

QUICK! TIPS ON HOW TO GET THROUGH A HUGE DINNER?!

No one suspects anything of me yet, though I knew my mom senses something. She always knows about something, somehow. Maybe I've given off hints, hiding with quick lies.

Tomorrow night we're having a huge dinner with my brother's girlfriend's family. But, adults and kids in seperate rooms! Sweet. I do have to eat, however. Enough so that no one says anything. Oh but there's gonna be cheesecake! I think my mom said something about chicken. Any black person is a sucker for some chicken! :) Even if it's only 55% of me.

Possible plans:

1. Think of a good, "not feeling well today" lie and eat yogurt and crackers to get Mom off my back

2. Continue to fast, take a laxative and eat as little as possible

3. Run away and have my ana all to myself in peace

Okayy, so number 3 is extreme. But sometimes I just want to crawl away and starve for weeks on end. Come out to get 5 crackers and coffee and cigarettes every now and again.

I KNOW I CAN STAY STRONG. I know for a fact I can do this and I won't let myself down. I can't take any pills to keep myself from stuffing my face though, no matter what, the food is still gonna taste like an un-heard-of Heaven. My "no" strength is going to have to be at the top of it's game tomorrow. I want 145 within the next 2 days or I'm moldy trash.

I won't let this happen.

Think Thin.

Smilesss

My mother brought home a bunch of yummy grogeries. The only thing I'm really concerned about though, is the Nesquik. Full of calories but full of happiness. 1,000 smiles per sip. but 10,000 smiles per pound I lose. Feels good to say no. I had 2 crackers though. Haven't been beaten up by gravity today. Yesterday was all about those pills. Never again, unless I'm desperate.

ps. VENTING! I COULD FUCKING DUMP MY BESTFRIEND RIGHT NOW. SHE GIVES ME THE SAME BULLSHIT EVERY FUCKING TIME I NEED HER. "oh i don't feel good" BUT WHEN HER STUPID BOYFRIEND GOES MISSING WHO DUMPS HER THE NEXT DAY AND ANOTHER CRAZY EX IS STALKING HER, I DROP EVERYTHING AND I'M THERE FOR HER!

anger makes me lose my appetite though. i guess she's playing an ignorant part in my ana. thanks, i guess.

Stand

i had about 1/3 of a yogurt. no fat. but about 50 cal. i feel disgusting. not because i feel full, but because i just ate. in general. and i WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY. but i needed something so i wouldn't be pulled to the floor everytime i stand up. can't have people being suspicious.

yesterday, i kept using the excuse that my head was so stuffed it made me dizzy. i almost plumetted to the floor in the garage talking to my mom's boyfriend. it wasn't scary, almost falling. it was scary having someone wanting to be scared for me and mad at me.

Whoa...

I took a shower to see if I would feel better, and I kinda do. um, I stepped on the scale again, i weighed 147.8? I'm not complaining about losing weight in a couple hours, not one bit. I just wonder how I do it. Maybe it's from all the strength I'm using to say "no" to food. Yeah.. I'm startin' off good.

Maybe I Can

today, maybe i can have a yogurt? half of one. that's about 70 calories. treadmill has my name one it. maybe i can go on a walk up the street. the street is like 4567 miles long. actually, it's 2 miles down and back. i need to get out of the house. maybe my friend will come over.

148

148 lbs. knew i could do it. actually, 148.4 lbs. tomorrow, easily 147.

Through and Through

i made it through a hungry day. slept through a hungry night. and now the hunger is numb. it's always my first day that's the hardest. and i did it. 5 crackers. that's all i munched on yesterday.
...let it begin.

ps. wish i could weigh myself. but people are home and if i even think about scales or numbers, my mom flips a switch. she thinks i'm crazy and sick. annoying..

The Happening

so i've gone the whole day so far without food. 3 crackers, but only because i almost fainted from the allergy pills. i took 2, but shoulda only had one. they're like, extreme. wish i knew...
but, i'm doin' it. i'm makin' it. it's happening.

First Step

I BROKE THIS 150 BULLSHIT!

i've been peeing all damn day and i have no idea why. other than that i been sleeping.
so i thought this might be strange, and weighed myself. i'm 149.

this is better, absolutely not good, just better.

still working. still going.

step one, mountain one.

Faith

this is GREAT! my allergy pills help so much. and smoking with them makes me almost sick to my stomach. whoch sucks but keeps me from eating. sleeping helps too. maybe summer wasn't the worst time to start ana again. i can do this. easier said than done, but right now, it's about equal. thanks god i'm allergic to all my pets, my mom thinks the pills are for my head.

my old favorite jeans that hugged me just right and made me look skinny are now a little bit lose on me.

i'll soon be where i want to. i can do this. faith. strength. will power.

Easy

i am feeling so strong today. i think today could be day 1 of no food, what so ever. and when all fails, when i fell like i'm falling, i have a perkaset(sp?) and my old allergy pill that make me not feel hunger. easy.

Mountains

this is my thinspo for today. i fucking know i can do it. i'm gonna do it. i plan to sleep all day. i need it. i can do this. one small mountain at a time.

not a single morsel into my mouth today.

'cept (maybe) water.

nothing. empty. starving.

i love hunger

Broken

i went to my bitch-friend's house cuz her bf was missing for about 20 hours and i pigged outtt! but i kept taking laxatives and i paid for it. ugh. STILL AM paying for it. hurts like shittttttttt. but so worth it. i'm 151 right now. and losing! absolutely no food tomorrow. i miss being hungry. i love being hungry. i want to be hungry. i'm starving to be thin. starving to be beautiful. i will make this work.

I Can ...

still 150lbs. i can go with no food today. i know i can do it. and i have to go to the barn this afternoon. i better be back to 148 tomorrow.

Unacceptably Weak

i had half a yogurt. and a whole one. wow. i'm disgusting. and a tiny piece of chicken. and a cup of Nesquik.

weak weak weak!
UNACCEPTABLE!

"i love my body. i am beautiful the way i am. i don't need to change. i am healthy."
bull shit.

..Strength

so i was really strong today, so far. all i've had is gatorade, a couple whoppers (60 cal) and a couple crackers (60cal give or take). my friend is coming over so he should keep me occupied. my mom is the greatest cook in the world, she made one of her famous chicken dishes. but i don't feel that hungry. i can say no. i been reading and sleeping all day. i can do this. i think the sleep did me some good. i been feeling sick the past couple days. i feel like a million bucks now! thank god i'm a sleep-o-holic :) i could do this everyday. tmrw, i better be 149 or less. if not, i'm working out. and i have to go back to the barn. that always shoves about a pound or more off.

this is better, not good.. but better. i'm below my goal, or above it i guess i should say. i've let myself down. i've been weak.

...strength.

..DAMNIT

so this strength is turning into weakness. i almost went empty all day 'til my mom made pizza for a movie we were watching. i took a lax though and that helped at about 4am. but whenever i burped a little i'd throw up a little in my mouth so she made me go to the bathroom. where i actually just threw up everything. i wonder if i made myself by flexing my stomach? well she's all worried and thinks i'm making myself sick again. which i'm not, often. i have a couple times when i was really full and it hurt my stomach. but that's it. my kidneys hurt now, too. i wonder if i should be worried?

150 lbs. unacceptable.
no food. i know i can do it.

Fury

i weighed 150 this morning?! what?! unacceptable. no food today. i'm going to my barn to ride and stuff. there's plenty to do to keep myself from eating. i'm furious with myself.

damnit.

Concequences

so i had ONE yogurt. the yo crunch kind with a yummy substance on top =] like MnMs. now i feel like shit. i gota quit being weak or i'm not gona have any laxatives left. kill me.

thinspo time.

Weakness

so today i planned on staying in bed so i wouldn't have to even look at food. i went downstairs and passed all our "goods". the oreos which i wanted to shove in my mouth which i detest. the chips and dip that i'd love to have floating around in my tummy which would only prove how weak i am. i just walked right outside to have a couple cigs and went right back to my room.

then i went back downstairs and had this delicious tuna salad my mom made. i only had less than a handfull but i felt like there was an entire 8yr old inside me. i tried to make it come back up but lately i've been struggling with that. so i took me a laxative. all better. sorta. i still feel weak.