ana...

so i'm broken inside and out. my body aches and calls for food. with my sudafed it messes with me and i can easily deny it. it's killing me and i'm struggling hiding this from my mom and everyone else. EVERYONE has commented on how skinny i am. i don't see it or feel it. and the scale tells me 133. i feel gross. i'm wasting space in the halls of school and taking up all the room in my full size bed so that my cat doesn't fit.

but i feel so strong and alive. i'm on the brink of passing out from dehydration and starvation and i love it. it's the high if my life and Ana is the 2nd best thing that's happened to me. my horse will alway be number one. < 3

133. prolly gona start losing next week? i can hide it from my mom. i can. i will.
i have to...

<3stay.strong.

/=

still 133. /: wow. without any effort.
ugh.

<3

still, mom?

so my mom's still up my ass about food. so i been munchin' in front of her and tossing food to make it look like i'm eating.
still 134.

i'd rather be 130. and keep it there. for like, til summer.
fml i want SKINNY

<3 be strong

maintain?

so these past 2 days.. i've eaten pretty normal. i guess. not much though. i'm 134.

so i can lose the 3 extra lbs in like, a day or 2. and then some... considering i'm fasting
wow. i hope i can make this work..

<3

plan

so my plan to maintain is fast on weekdays and eat on weekends.
not binge, but if food ever comes up, i won't turn it down and i'll only have a little.
(:

not being sent away. not.

i'm 133.
ate yesterday.

i got thisssssssssss (:
<3

stay-in hospital? /:

so i have some news.

i go to my mom's office today after school like most days, just to say hey and chill. so i walk in:

Me: "hey mommy"
Mom: "so uh.. what's the deal?"
Me: stops breathing. tries to act casual and confused. 'i know what's coming. please. don't say it. don't say it', i think to myself.
Mom: "so uh.. jon and i have noticed you've lost a significant amount of weight in a short period of time. so, are you not eating? are you purging? morgan, i need you healthy. GOD HELP YOU if i find out you're purging. i'll send you to a stay-in hospital in a second. you look fucking anorexic. yeah."
Me: "it's a new semester. it's cold outside. i've been smokin' up a storm and chuggin' so much coffee. i actually have homework and studying to do. and you know i like good grades. i'm just stressin' right now."
Mom: "okay. well. don't let me find out you're not eating or throwing up. now go, go get some food."
Me: "well, okay?"

so i'm going to try to maintain for a while. i shoulda known she'd see.
i'm scared. ): but staying here. omg, no. not a freaking stay-in hospital /:
131. maintaining.

<3

hey guyss. today...

so i've been getting a lot of comments about how so inspirational i am (: i wana give a huge thanks to everyoneeee!

lettin' y'all know i been munchin today. well, only this morning and now i'm having a cheese stick. idc about the calories because i'm fasting again til i come inches away from blacking out again.

OH. so today i was laying down. i get up, take 2 steps, AND EVERYTHING GOES BLACK. next thing i know the floor is coming at me and i'm catching myself with a table. so, that was actually really awesome. but i can't be doing that. i'm not being sent away. i'm not. i needa stay on my feet.
and insomnia is attacking. it might be from abusing coffee to drain my body, but nonetheless, i'm losing sleep. it's okay, i'm getting skinny..

<3 you all!
thanks so much.
ps. i WILL get to cmnting on y'all's blogs. i will.

(:

i weighed myself with all my clothes on for today. i'm still 8lbs underweight (:


NEXT GOAL: 125

i'm headin' out for the day.

<3

131 !! WHAAAT ((:

hmm. someone's 13 lbs underweight today. yea, i am (:
131 baby!

so i can't help but say i'm not even hungry anymore. there is no desire for food. my emptiness is my new home. and i HATE to say, i need to eat. the floor almost came at me this morning. i need legitimate food. not a whole meal, of course. i don't think i could suffer that much food down no matter how good it is. i just need to keep myself from blacking out. sadly, we have crappy food in the house and i hate buying it just to throw it back up. i don't plan on eating today. sometime this week, i need to though. i cannot risk blacking out and my mom taking me to the doctor so i can be weighed & be more than 10lbs less than i was last time, resulting in being sent away.

i'm not excusing myself to binge. i just know that "food is life" and i'm running on empty right now. i am tough and can pull through. (:

stay strong loves<3

ESCAPE. FINALLY.

i get to leave the house tomorrow (:
i hate how southerners are sooo scared of snow -__-

hangin' out with my buds. and of course, all dudes. ...i'm not a whore, i just relate better with guys. i think it's cuz i like girls too :P lol. more than likely gettin' action (: stayin' too busy to eat XD

so i feel the need to pour out my boy situation. it's okay, this is a blog, that's what it's for lol.
so last year i'd have like 5 boyfriends at a time but never make announcements about it and we kept it "our little secret". y'all know the movie John Tucker Must Die?? yup. I was a john tucker (: i think i'm trailing back into it. it's fun. and, keeps you busy. filling your time with boys/girls keeps you away from fooooooood (((: but i have this one guy who's noticed i hardly eat and he wants to feed me :X yeah. not letting that happen. i don't care how delicious he is. i'd rather lick his yummy self anyway ;)

fasted perfectly today.
stay strong <333

yay

dear Ana,

thank you for getting me through a whole day of no solids or blacking out ((:

love, Morgs

dear Ana,

Dear Ana,

I feel so close to you now. You've brought me 12lbs underweight. I feel powerful when I'm so close to blacking out. But you know that I'll be sent away the moment my mother thinks my weight and my control over it becomes an "issue" again. I can't be taken away from the few great things here in my regular life. You know where I want to go in life, and it is NOT rehab. I hate how you make me feel reliable on Sudafed to fast. I hate how there are constantly bags under my eyes. I do, however, love how you bring my pretty little bones out from hiding. I love how you're making me pretty, beautiful, weightless. And I love, love, love you. I just feel all these things happening to me (as in being tired, weak, shaky, irritable, etc.) and I don't want it to draw certain people away or my mother's attention in our direction. Ween me off the Sudafed. Let me be "human". Regardless, I will follow your rules to a T, but I'm doing this for us. I need you to do something, too. Compromise. <3

-Morgs.

gap? ^_^

thigh gap?!

i tried on my moms pants that were tight or didn't fit over the summer and BAM they fit ^_^ yay. as of my own pants, LOOSE! yeahhhh babyyyy.
oh. then i was like oh, i have a thigh gap. >_> it's little bit nonetheless it's there and GROWING.

fasting today.
this thigh gap got me inspired :D

stay strong! <3

sleepwalking?

goooood morning my loves.

so i've apparently gotten up and moved throughout the house 3 times before now. i have zero recollection of the matter, lol. and my mother said i talked to her and her bf at some point but i don't remember anything about this morning before now. to me, this is my first time rolling out of bed. it's only slightly concerning because i hope i didn't manage to put something in my mouth other than coffee. and i was having crazy dreams going from one setting to another. most of which had food in them. i hope i didn't actually eat :/

133, my loves. fasting today.
maybe i can go down to 131 tmrw XD

be strong <3