foooooooood. blech

so i ate today. well, more like munched. it was only because i've been inches away from blacking out multiple times so.. i figured if i wana stay on my feet, put something in my mouth. while i was munching, i didn't even enjoy it. like, there was nothing pleasurable about food entering my body whatsoever. i like how that works (: but i'm only 133. no worries (: coffee can take that awayyyyy lol

feels SO good to be on track(:
stay strong lovelies <3

okay, wait.

i just really wana show you guys my kitty (:
she's my reliable wingman. haha

132 & pics

so, i told y'all i'd get some pics up. here ya gooooo (:









i tried to get my bones and what not.
LOOK AT MY KITTY! ISN'T SHE ADORABLE! :D

anyways, i am 132 today (:
might eat about 100 or so calories? eh.
gotta get that metabolism up

be strong loves <3

11lbs WHATTTT

so guess who's officially 11lbs underweight. guess. just guess.
THAT'S RIGHT! ME!

i'll see if i can get some pics posted later but it snowed here so i don't know if my mom and her bf are gona be leaving the house. which is fine, i plan on staying in my room most the time to sleep and do homework and extra credit anywaysss. (easy classes are awesome) (: gotta get that good gpa lol.

so 133lbs and LOVING IT.
3 more lbs til i reach my next goallll.

stay strong beauties.
if i can do it, anyone can (: <3

ABOUT SUDAFED:

so i've been getting a lot of questions from people about my sudafed. i'll just make a whole post dedicated to it.

the sudafed that helps me best is the over the counter 12-hour decongestant. you have to be 18 to buy it and can only buy like 3 boxes a month because people buy it to make meth with it. i take 2 in the morning and i'm good ALL DAY. even if my stomach grumbles, the last thing that would come to mind is food. even food that smells AMAZING and irrisistable is easy to turn down.

to conserve money and be easier on your liver, there's the nasal decongestant that isn't 12hours. it's okay to ignore the daily dosage so long as you're not suffering liver problems to begin with. if i ever get that one i'll take like 4 whenever i want food and within an hour i'm usually high and not hungry anymore.

caution: keeping your body drained and drinking coffee with it will increase your risk of blacking out or fainting. it WILL make you high as a kite. you could relate it to weed but with the exact opposite effect of the munchies lol, it's fabulous. just be careful.

135

second day of a beautiful fast.
135lbs.

omg i have my sudafed. and plenty of coffee to be snowed in with. ..supposedly getting 10 inches tonight but i'll prolly only be like 2 lol.
i can TOTALLY reach 130. i can. i will.

omg yay for skinny!

stay strong <3

GUESS WHAT?!?

GUESS WHO'S AN IDIOT! THAT'S RIGHT! ME!

my friend bought me the wrong sudafed a while ago and i never took it because i figured, if it's not gona help i don't need it. well my allergies were stupid today so i took it and it rids the hunger just like the other one. fml for binging because i was ignorant. yay for being high on sudafed and fasting!

better. (:

so i've successfully fasted today, so far. i don't plan on failing. i have my coffee and a little homework to do. i think i'm safe. i'm finally back on track and i think i get my sudafed tomorrow.
GOSH i think eating depresses me. wow. my cure = fasting! (: lol yay

idk my weight. not too concerned. i'll check tomorrow.
ahhhhhh, coffeeee

stay strong <3

update, here.

so i've decided i can't live without my sudafed. i feel weak and hungry without it. i don't care what it takes. i'm not a druggie. i am pro-ana. and i will do all i can to keep it that way and get skinnier and skinnier.
138. for months.
unacceptable.

drifiting around 135 - 138.
better than before.

i want 130. today.
and eventually 110. i want that. at least, right now, it sounds good.
if ever i binge i can't even enjoy the food. the hunger isn't even gone. it's just a sickness that's taken over me.

depression is not far. i feel my emotions crashing. i can't bring myself to care about much. i'll drive, and sometimes think about just ramming into another car. i'm overwhelmed. i'm giving my body away. i'm fading into the skies with my beloved. my heart has sunk and stopped. i'm coming to a split in my path.

i'm empty.
i'm crumbling.

stay strong <3

failure

i don't fucking know what the hell i'm doing. i was gona fast today but i fucking failed. i wasn't even starving. just, ate. fuckkk me. i cleaned the entire house and EVERYTHING. and.. ate. wow. way to fail. idk, maybe tomorrow with school and going to the barn after will keep me busy enough to not eat.

140 and hating it.

but, should be back at 138/137 if i fast for a day.. shoulda been today -__-

i fail

stay strong beauties x3

Good Morning (: ehh...

SO i'm at my friends house. no one's here. the little brother is playing with a friend and my friend is in saturday school. anyways, been eating and saving my live with exlax. idk my weight but i know it's not over 140. i know because i've been through this same pattern before and i was still 138.


i hate eating so much. i just woke up so ima prolly go have my first cup of coffee and a cigarette.
can't wait to get out of this house tonight. i SWEAR it's haunted with ghosts that make you eat. ugh

stay strong loves <3

went to the doctor. weighed 140 with water, food, and all my clothes o.O oh man. i wonder if they take the clothes into consideration when recording one's weight? hmm. well. it's only 4lbs under weight. no biggieee (:

I LOVE HEATHER
I'M GOING TO STARVE MY FRIEND TODAY BECAUSE I HAVE ALOT OF DRIVING AROUND TO DO AND SHE'S GONA BE WITH ME BUT I WON'T FEED HERRR XD lolll

be strong loves <3

doctorrr.

going to the doctor today at 137lbs. a whole 7lbs LESS then i'm supposed to be. sweeeet. WATER WATER WATER. gotta weigh myself down. maybe i'll just have breakfast and take some exlax. i haven't had biscuits in a while... idk. don't feel like suffering like that. hmmmmm. well it's 10:30am. too late to get anywhere for breakfast food i guess. i live so far from everything. the closest thing is a CVS up the road. THANK GOD. strange looks for only buying 2 boxes of exlax is nothing compared to saving my weight. ugh.

going to my friends house later. the one where i ALWAYS eat at her house. her ma hasn't gone grocery shopping in a while. maybe there won't be anything good. (:

more pics

sooooo my spine is out there like a spikey dinosaur :) and as for my nasty belly i have no idea why it's nasty and deformed. i think just standing up i look like shit -__- fml.

so 136 much? yeah. that's my plateau. fucking nasty >:|

the secret's out o.O

hey, i wana thank my ana-buddy for great support and just being there. we're actually buds :) i love her. so i fasted yesterday. PERFECTION. i wish i didn't feel the need to rely on Sudafed to feel full all day. i wish there was something i could get that i didn't have to have an 18yr old buy. :/ oh well. it works. he doesn't mind. life is okay

so i told my favorite, best dude friend about my lifestyle last night. he didn't flip out or get mad. he basically told me he'd be there for me and it doesn't scare him. THANK GOD. i adore him. i had to tell him because i got an e-mail from someone who's doing a documentary on ED and wanted to interview me for it XD i was so excited i blurted it out to him and he goes "oh, what's your blog about?" -__- i'm stupid. so i told him. in tears. i told him via AIM but when he told me it was all okay it felt like he was holding me. greatest feeling ever. but no one else will know. it makes me feel so naked he knows my secret o.O

anywho, just thanking everyone for their support and my ana-budy for being awesome. aaand updating y'all on my new found friend who knows my secret. ahhhh

stay strong beauties <3
love you all

updateeee with photo

so this is meeeee. thought yall'd like a new visual. ps. got my curls to be PERFECTTT that day. that was like, last week. my waist is disappearing XD

my stomach is still sick nastyyyy though. ugh

it's been a whileeee

so i haven't been on in the longest time! and i'm so sorry!

so i'll say i've been good and bad but i'm a perfectly steady 138 STILL. i reached 136 at one point though.

new things:

-i got my license!

so now i can go out and get laxatives if ever need be. and it's the perfect get-away from food! and i burn calories cuz i blast my music and dance at the wheel :) NO WORRIES, I'M SAFE. i swear. it's red lights i'll get jiggy at lol.

-MY GRADES ARE DOING AWESOME

i have a C in algebra 2 but i'll take it. i've brought it up BIG TIME. it was an F a while ago. then slowly made its way to a D. now i'm at a pretty little C. now i just need to pass this exammm....

-so my mom is no long concerned because of how bad i've been to Ana.

no more hospital for meeeee. and this whole rehab thing just blew over lol. THANK GOD.

anyways, i'll try my best to keep getting on. but driving now, i'm busy as crap. and always tired.

i love and have missed you all!

stay strong <3