2011.

Today was the perfect love I needed. I got to spend hours with the truest love of my life. Yeah, I took care of him. I even cleaned all my tack, which is a chore if anything. And I enjoyed it. And I got to ride. I jumped. I flew today. We sprouted wings that carried us farther than any human eye could see. Every time we're together and I take a breath, I fall in love all over again, even harder than the time before. We shared mints and kisses. We shared anger and frustration. We shared happiness and pain. Every bit of it was perfect.

Fuck coming home to an empty house.
Fuck my mom saying I don't give two shits about her or my stepdad.
Fuck not being able to get out of the house and enjoy the new year with friends.
Fuck being locked up with no alcohol.
Fuck being obese and scared shitless of my numbers.
Fuck all the mistakes behind me.
Fuck it all, I'm going to do at least one thing right in 2011.

2011.
I'm getting a cavity filled January 10th. I have a doctors appointment January 12th. Yeah, I ate today. But until after I go to the doctor, I'm done. DONEDONEDONE. Fasting has morphed it's way into being a passion. If I'm going to have chances to fail at life all of 2011, I'm at least going to starve right.

My birthday is in 4 days. Casey wants to take me out to dinner with her and both our boyfriends. No. I'm gonna try my hardest to avoidavoidavoid the evilevilevil. It's back to lame excuses to perfectly human events involving food. Back to the lies built on lieslieslies and more lies.

Yes, today's love adventures were beautiful and so full of happiness.
No, I'm not very happy right now. But I'm stable. No worries.. -__-
I'm fed up with food. I'm done failing. I'm done with the disappointment. I miss the emptiness. I miss the darkness pulling me to the ground. I miss daily functions being challenging. I miss starving. I miss shrinkingshrinkingshrinking. Small. Tiny. Too little. Scary thin. I want to have the superpower to disappear whenever the Hell I want to. I'm tired of purging. I'm tired of destroying the inside of my body because I hate that I put something inside when I clearly could have just said no.

My goal? My resolution? There's a few.
1. Improve at least one person's day every day.
2. Starve right.
3. Get a job. Make money. Become a pothead again.
4. Find my self worth, patch it up, and make it strong.
Because every single one of those things has to happen and I'll be perfectly happy.

<3 2011, please don't hurt as bad as 2010

This is my break down.

I miss my boyfriend. He hasn't seen me in far too long. Is he forgetting about me? We talk every night. So what. Seeing a person can make such a difference. Soon he'll forget my face. He must be forgetting what I smell like. He has to. How couldn't he?
I remember. I remember his face. I remember his skin against mine. I remember the falling feeling I'd get whenever he'd touch me. I remember the calming smell of his. If I closed my eyes, it'd feel like I was on a cliff right by the sea and there was a deep, warm rainforest just behind me. I can hear the waves crashing and the animals living. All upon a sunset.

The blood I've drawn isn't enough. I love the knife making it's way in. Pushing just a little bit harder. Nicking the bone, embarrassment racing through the veins just exposed. Red wine trickling down the goose bumps of a cold night, running in circles. The ghosts are flying out faster, faster. screamscreamscreaming at me. "You can be stronger" whipping through "just one more, maybe a few more" that sweetly outline "deeperdeeperdeeper" and "you're doing it wrong, just end it." Depression attacks in the pit of the heart. It makes its home and stops the systems. Welcoming death with a human body for sacrifice.

But I can't.
My mom claims sadness upon my departure.
My horse would have nobody.
And I think the boyfriend wouldn't be happy.
*If he misses me like I hope.

I'm losing reasons for 'why'.

I hear these words of "I love you" and "you're worth so much more" but somewhere it keeps getting twisted into "you fail" and "you just shouldn't even be here." Deep down, every day, I hope something takes me. I hope I am given an escape from the pain. I dream that I've been handed the map to the way out. But I wake up and I hold maps upon maps on the way to the exit and the way to push. The maps to the exit are so much shorter and way less painless. So much faster. debatedebatedebate and I always want that exit sign. I want it shining in my face so bright I go blind. But who am I to leave this world without the ones who depend on me so much?

I never should have let myself go near love,
But I did. And forever it will haunt me.

Don'tWorry.

134 thank you stomach virus.

Trying so hard to be happy. And yeah, it's pretty hard. I miss the outside life. I miss my boyfriend. I miss fasting.

I miss seeing faces. I miss the smells of the world. I miss being with people. I miss being with people who want to be with me. I miss having a life. I miss not being trapped by my own thoughts. I miss not being locked in my house.

Attempting to get a job so I can leave the house.
Anything at all to get out of here.

I've cried every day since Friday.
For one reason or another -
Purging pains.
Sadness.
Neglect.
Tears have hit the ground directly from my face.
6 days in a row. It makes my face hurts.

<3 don't worry, when you turn your head
i'll be sure to be gone

Virus

I slept 16 hours.
Worst headache of my life and nothing to get rid of it with.
Typically scared of my numbers.

Yesterday's sickness wasn't from the sleeping pills. Neither was today. No pills, no nothing. Just feeling miserably ill. I have a stomach virus. Just like every winter break of my life. Fuck me sideways.

<3 i slept too much today
for anything to even happen

ETD.

Purging to only taste acidic iron scares me.
Time and time again it happens and hurts.

I know at this point I should stop and it's going to kill me.
The only part of my habits being the death of me that scares me -
I know it's going to hurt like Hell.

I taste the death on my lips. Cold.
The pain brings me to screaming tears.

Home alone to indulge in my likings.
Here in silence I will continue -

No one will know until they smell the dead body by the toilet -
Covered by what should be held inside.

Estimated time of death:
8pm at the latest.

<3 the acid, the blood
she spits the happy candies right back at the world
she's sorry she couldn't do this sooner

135fuckme.

For I have sinned today, I controlled myself.
The day is far from over but I have faith.
Back on my mood stabilizers - along with all my favorite candies.
Fearfully, I scaled my sins.
135 and accepting. Hating painfully, but accepting.
Way better than I'd expected. Better then I'd even hoped.

I've put on 3 pounds of gross and I hate it. 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 so they glow. Letting the sinful ghosts out is an all too familiar comfort. I must let it go.

<3 sorry i'm bad, sorry i'm blue
sorry 'bout all the things i've done to you
and i know - i can't take it back

pain/fail/death

Today hasn't been a fast as hoped.
It's been a blur. A painful one.

Apparently the vacuum carried me around this morning and threw me down the stairs. Bruises told me. Along with clean floors. I've mostly been in bed and running to throw up due to the excessive pill intake last night. And all that's entered my body hadn't stayed long due to it thinking it was all poison. I don't really remember much of anything at all. I lived many nightmares and whenever I woke up, I thought I was a ghost and no one could see me. No one really even talked to me, or looked at me. I wasn't even here.

I feel like shit. I should be in my grave.
Anything flat and comfy with blankets has held me captive. All day.
I wasn't invited to lunch. I'm not invited to dinner.

<3 i've been invisible today
living nightmare after nightmare

ur(welcome)mom.

Dinner was enormous but I was better than I have been in the past.
A good little girl I've become.
Tomorrow's fast awaits.
Can't let myself see my numbers until after the fast. I'll break. Die. Bleed all over the scale. Cannot let it destroy me. Not now.

Today and yesterday have seeped sins inside of me. Yesterday wasn't bad at all. Today was much worse but not horrible. Only maybe half of it stayed inside me and the rest will be depleted by laxatives.

The cuts from yesterday weren't bad. I bruise really easily so I decided to be kind to my skin. They sting though. Soreness holds my calf. My brother kicked them today, too. Unknowingly. Blood seeping through my clothes. Thank goodness I wore two pairs of pants. Thank God the blood settled in black clothing. Invisible to the mother's eye.

The resentment and disappointment is withheld by the parental units at this point. It no longer lingers the house. Not an emotion stirring.

Such painful, fatty sins today. I can't help but want to open my skin and let them out again. It's such a horridly difficult habit to break. Must not undo the success of my scar cream. Must not demolish the progress. But it feels oh so fucking good. Dinner is in my body. I can't stand it. Angry enough the have the tears welted up in my eyes fall to the ground. Tears or blood?

Is it bad to blame my mom for this? She says I hold destroying myself over her when she's upset with me. There are better ways to go about the way she settles things with me. And of all, telling me to go cut myself isn't the best choice, is it? I tell her I'll slice myself when she gets rash only because I don't want to lie, we both know it's true, and the pain kills me. I don't want to hear the way she gets when I want to cut myself. Precisely why I sleep it off. Unconsciousness takes it away. I'm gone. I don't feel it anymore. It's my only answer.

Especially after this Christmas, I feel like nothing more/less than a burden upon my family. I cause problem after problem. I am the reason we're broke. I am the reason for all unhappiness. I am the reason for anything not good. I'm only acknowledged for my screw ups. Which is everything I do. I hate being disappointed in. Why would I do it on purpose? Why would my mom think I do?

1. 2. 3. .. 11. 12. 13. 14. And 15.
Sleeping pills to do the job.
I'll at least be sick tomorrow. All day.
If I can wake up.
1. 2. 3. ... 7. 8. And 9.
Cuts to let the sins out.
I'll be bloody sore tomorrow.

<3 you're welcome, mom... u__u
i'm sorry, maybe i won't be doing this to you anymore
the pills will be gone soon enough, just keep talking to me
i'll keep bleeding, i promise

iSuck

The whole world blew up. On Christmas Eve.

The boyfriend joined the family dinner in Zebulon. It was pretty nice, everyone likes him. Mason, the brother, of course isn't a huge fan. 6pm rolled around and I'm not a fan of driving in the dark so we left. I took him back to my house. Mistake, on so many levels. Fooling around.. You know that feeling of not being able to get close enough? No finding words to express your love? Feeling like you can't give that one special person enough to show how you feel? -__- ...
We ended up having to deeply explain our love for each other. I didn't even stutter. The L bomb simply became a song. We cried together. A lot. I couldn't figure out why I had broken so much so fast. I didn't know. I was radioactive. Mood stabilizers to the rescue. No help what so ever....

I took him home. Too tired to drive, thinking I'm going to pass out any second and run off the road and die. I wish I did. I get home, my parents know he was there. Anger/Disappointment/Blame strikes. What really destroyed me:
Me: I have to go to sleep now. Too tired. Can't mentally handle this.
Mom: Sleep can't be your answer to everything.
Me: Well it keeps me from cutting my fucking foot off.
Mom: You wanna do that? Go ahead. I don't fucking care. Do it all you want.
Me: Thank you. 'Bout fucking time you gave me permission.

I go to my room and the destruction begins.
1 for the disappointment
2 because it felt so good
3 because I was told to
4 for the blame
5 because I'm so fucking dumb
6 because I need to let the sins out of my blood
7 because I destroyed the happiness for Christmas
8 because my boyfriend had to listen to me crycrycry
9 to let more ghosts out
10 to send cancer seeping through the house as the radioactivity boils in my blood

Boyfriend on the phone listening to it happen asked me to stop. He's the only one who can tell me to stop and I'll actually listen.

Present time was awkward. No one wanted me there.

Merry Christmas ):

Radioactive.

Yeah, I've missed a good amount of doses of my mood stabilizer. It's washing out of my system. I'm letting the happiness seep out of me.

I went to see the boyfriend today but his mom wasn't there so I had to lie to my mother about why I was leaving the house. I told her I went to see DD. Then it started. Lecture/Rant/Complain. "Mooch" and "druggie" made me mad, "picking up her habits" spilled between "don't want you to end up like her" sent me out the door. Furious. Sad. Unstable. I don't see anything the way she does...

This morning, before the blood drawing words filled the house, wasn't much better itself. I eventually made myself roll out of bed to shower, hoping it would make me feel better. It didn't. My head is currently still pounding and my heart still feels like it's about to give out any second. The knots in my throat aren't helping.. I get out, put a tank top and shorts on, blahblahblah - put on my scar cream and lotion for my wintery dry skin. Casey just got me that lotion and I didn't know it was loaded with sparkles. I felt like Edward Cullen. I went to go show my mom, forgetting I was skinnier than I should be. She gave me that disappointing look again. I can't handle that. Hearts breaking all over the house. I wonder how much she knows..

I didn't have nearly the time I wanted with the boyfriend. But, nonetheless, I got to see him. Hold him. Kiss him. Smile filled words and warm, comforting cuddling. To his face, I told him I love him. I couldn't leave without saying it. I'd hate to live my life not having everything said that should be. I think he stopped breathing when I said it. I'm pretty sure the whole world was on pause. This is a whole new kind of love. True love. One love. In love.

Home, in bed, feeling like I'll die if I fall asleep.
Tomorrow I could spend some quality time with the boyfriend. But no, I think we're leaving at lunch time to go to bum-shit Zebulon to have dinner at my mom's friend's house. No, it's okay. I'm 16 and don't have anyone important in my life because I don't know how to "choose friends wisely". Who on earth would I want to spend a little holiday time with? Oh no, certainly not the boyfriend I'm falling madly in love with. No Mom, I don't know my own feelings because I certainly let teenage hormones fill my head and waste 'feelings' and 'love' on testosterone overloaded boys.

Why am I so angry about this? Why does not being able to see my boyfriend make me so upset? Why am I so rattled? Is love taking over my head? Could it be I feel death is so close to me I feel like I might not see him again? (Honestly, I do feel like that today. Haven't felt this miserable in so long..) Is he what makes me stable? Do I rely on him, maybe too much? Am I addicted? Is he literally a drug to me? Could it be I feel I have no choices to make because my mom is trying to keep me on lockdown, not trusting a single move I make?
What is wrong with me?

<3 i don't know what i'm saying
i'm radioactive

Deathbed

I'm a little worried. I'm looking forward to this doctor appointment.

- My heart, the actual organ, keeps suddenly feeling like it got stunned
- I'm wobbling when I stand, if I get the energy to
- The whole left side of my head feels like hammers were taken to it for hours
- I'm on fire, even outside with just a jacket on, 40 degrees fahrenheit
This can't be right. I ate yesterday. Almost normally. Only purged twice and didn't eat after 4. Yes I took laxatives. No I didn't take water pills. Why is death consuming me. Have not even gotten out of bed yet. Not normal. Not okay. Well, I got up to pee and weigh so I can balance the next time I eat. I'm not gaining any weight. 133 still! No complaints. Just confusion. Could tell why I feel like shit.
Food is my death. I assume it's why I'm on my deathbed right now. Crying. I want to know what's happening to me. I'm scaredscaredscared. What if my heart is giving out? I haven't taken my vitamins in two days. I don't have the energy to.

If I could scream right now, I would. If someone was home to take me to the doctor, I'd make them. If I had the control to right now, I'd stop crying. Fear has his hands so tight around my throat I don't feel like trying to breathe. Sadly, truly, if a doctor told me everything that was wrong and gave me an exact date to be laid in the grave, I'm not sure I could change. I'm not saying I won't try or that I won't change at all, I just don't know if it could happen. I know what I'm doing. I know it's on its way to killing me. I know that changing it would be the hardest thing I'll ever do in my life. I've become so good at this. No one would ever suspect this came so naturally to me.

Last night the boyfriend and I opened our gifts from each other. Very much so in love. I got my wish - I got to live in love before I died. Hands down, death feels like it's coming. If my wretched curse did take my life, my soul would live on in him. As well as others, but I'm so proud of him. Of us. Couldn't be happier he's a part of my life. ...Breaks my heart that what I do secretly, subtly, destroys him inside. I wish I could fully express what he is to me. He gives me so much hope. He makes me believe in myself. He restores my happiness. As scared as I am to let so much of myself belong to someone so deeply, I feel like he'd be the one to take care of me. If he hasn't run away yet, what could I do to make that happen? I'm a disaster, a broken mess - but he's here to pick me up, pick up all my pieces when need be. lovelovelove


<3 i'll stand on the edge as long as it holds me up
i've put aside the thought of taking the step

top40

Medical Billing

Fuck yeah.
# 32 of the top 40 Pro-Ana blogs of the year.

Not half bad...

turtleturtle.

133 and bored with it.

Yesterday's heartbreak still hurts. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship right now? I can't let myself depend on people. I'm like an antique vase that's been broken and glued back together with Elmer's on multiple occasions and each time a few pieces were lost, gone forever. I've lost way too much in my life to put myself in a position where I could break the same way again. I know how bad it could hurt and I'm scared to ever feel that way again. I got a taste of that that feels like yesterday. Can I risk my decreasing instability for this? If I have full power to prevent the pain, should I? My boyfriend has more than enough power to kill me.
I just took 4 huge steps back. I feel like I need to hide in my shell again. Livin' life like a turtle - scared of the world, barely moving.

Last night I don't think I slept. But I remember dreaming. I don't remember falling asleep. Nightmare after nightmare I was chased around the house. I recall creeping about downstairs and outside. I don't remember why.

Sleep confusion mixed with questionable sadness.
Not the unstable combination my mood stabilizers are ready to face yet.

<3 it doesn't feel safe right now

I'm(losing)aPerfectThing

I planned for the boyfriend to meet two dear friends of mine, Casey and her boyfriend. It was going to be a surprise. It would have worked out perfect providing he could hang out after school. Perfect.

It started pretty good...
I gave DD her gift and multiple-page card. Love. Went to school and awaited the arrival the the boyfriend for an answer to whether or not he could hang out. He walks in, give me my gift, and tells me no. It took my breath away. I was extremely disappointed. I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, I didn't even break. Just upset and accepted it.
Class was hard because I was distracted by the fall through of his surprise. But, I was okay. I thought positive and made it through. I even did my work in such a state. I take it the mood stabilizers I've been staying on top of have been doing their work. This isn't like me. I wasn't one bit radioactive.
Third period came, time for the boyfriend. I was alright by this time. He asked what was wrong. My response: nothing. Truth. After that, my boyfriend wouldn't so much as talk to me, let alone look at me. I had honestly been okay until then. I thought I did something to make him mad. I, as always, assumed the blame was in my own hands. Heartbreak begins.
I go to lunch, alone. I beat my stress record. Three cigarettes in 30 minutes. I criedcriedbawled. What did I do to upset him, make him ignore me all period? I go to fourth period, so radioactive that one touch would riddle the city with cancer. I listen to music to try and let my brain and heart go into their own world. I lay my head down. I start crying. Hard. Loud. My chest feels like it's being sucked in and it's getting harder and harder to breathe. Nearly impossible. I was actually scared I would suffocate because breathing had never been so hard in my life. I was freezing. I tried to find my pulse. I'm dead fucking serious I couldn't find it. My chest felt like nuclear bombs imploding and the rest of my body was being ripped through meat grinder after meat grinder. This was a new pain.
This was heartbreak.

DD accompanied me after school to make sure I was alive, I assume. I had to get stuff done to my car and that was going to take a while... blahblahblah.
We walk to my car. I almost run because I'm afraid I'm going to drop dead any second. I still had to give the boyfriend his gift from my car but I wasn't sure he'd show up. I honestly thought he'd finally been fed up with my mood swings. I wanted to leave and be gone and not remember. He comes up, I give him his gift, I try to escape. A couple tears, a few "I'm sorry"'s and "I thought you were upset" somewhere mixed with a "I was never mad at you" was being blown around the parking lot with the winter winds.
If we couldn't hang out after school, why would he not try to enjoy the time we have in school together? Why would I be mad? I already stated I understood it wasn't his fault and I wasn't mad at him. If anything, I needed him.

I'm horrified by how much I let my happiness be effected by him.
My mental state is getting better, granted. But, I'm not like most people. Hi, I'm anorexic. My brain is wired completely differently than most of the world's. I will place blame on myself before anyone else. I will ask what I did wrong before I ask what the problem even is. My heart will shakeshakeshatter before anyone else's will skip a beat.
I told him everything. All my secrets. How I think.
He jokes too often about us 'breaking up' or 'there can't be an us anymore'. I think he knows he means a lot to me. But, I doubt very much that he understands how much more effective this relationship is on my life than his. I don't think he sees what he is to me. I don't think he can fully comprehend how fucking hard I had to make my heart and brain work to even begin this relationship. We've come so far.
The horror of losing him is too dreadful to fathom. He's been a bigger source of hope in my life than he knows.

After my heart was beating again, me and DD talked and fooled around at the car shop. Trading words and sharing giggles. She fixes me...

blahblahblah

I go to Casey's to give her her gifts. Good old times. Talked about our day, missing each other. She's not very fond of my boyfriend now. She knows how unstable I get. Not about the food struggles in my life, but she knows my fragile mental and emotional states. We've been through it all. Her boyfriend came. Reunited and it felt like heaven. They are my cure. A few hours away from the world was just what I needed.
*Can't see Casey and not eat. Too sketch.
- 3 laxatives
- Un-counted bites/calories/sins
- Zero purging. ( because I ate so little )

Home at last, cuddling with my kitty.
My heart in one piece, beating almost regularly.

<3 fear rules my life.
fear of losing -
faith, love, the image of 'almost perfection'
fear of disappointment.

No way.....

0 bites today. Success.
I was scared to look but I did. 133 and surprised. Confused.
I ate a lot this weekend, or it felt like I did.
I think I may have overdosed on laxatives. My stomach still hurts.

Saturday: Christmas shopping. I'm broke.
Sunday: Cleaning. Homework. Barn. DD.

Today:
Went to the dentist first thing. No matter what anyone tells you, the dentist is not fun in any way. Blood, sweat and tears. I have a cavity from purging. Again. This would be the fourth bulimia-induced cavity. My dentist knows. He has to. And I heard the lady who checked and clean my teeth mention my teeth condition. Wearing away due to stomach acid. Dentists know. They went to med school. They know why your teeth look the way they do.
I made it to school. 1st period was a goner since the dentist destroyed my mouth. Chemistry is a blur. My mouth still hurt from the evil teeth cleaning lady. She scraped, brushed, scraped, brushed, scraped, flossed, and scraped. Death lasted 'til 12. Third period was just happiness. So was my last class of the day. Sadly, DD wasn't there. Home sick.

My mom scheduled me a doctor appointment in January. Shortly after turning seventeen. I will be weighed. My blood and sugars will be checked. And providing my mom allows me to go on my own, I'm going to tell the doctor everything and have them check everything possible, even if it means I get probed via any orpheus.. Agreeing with my boyfriend, it is my responsibility to know what I'm doing to myself. I can't continue dying without knowing what stage of death my body is at. I predict I will be given an expiration date. Approximate life span. Ticking time bomb. I'll be blown to smithereens any minute.
How am I so accepting to that?
Somehow, so perfectly okay with me.
The only thing about the whole situation that makes me upset is that I'm okay with what will/might/could happen.

Why am I 133 if I ate so much this weekend? I usually put on more than that. I'm actually losing my weight instead of just cleansing the grossness out of me. There are actually only 133 pounds of me, if not less due to water. Firmly 11lbs underweight. This is happiness.

Today, I feel like I conquered the world all before 5:30pm. I finished wrapping up 4 people's gifts, cleaned out my car of trash and unnecessary crap, cleaned the kitchen and stairs, hung Christmas lights all over my room, and showered.
Tried to drink my health drink. My body rejected it. I threw up everywhere while my stepdad witnessed it. Zero suspicion. No questions.
Silence freezes the room.

I feel so free.
I feel incredible.

<3 happiness jumps in, to sit and stay a while.

Hi there.

Hi. My name is Morgan.
I was recently eaten by a Zombie.
My brain is riddled with anorexia and bulimia.
I take a pill for everything imaginable.
My bulimic habits are killing my body and I don't care.
I only feel good when I'm starving.

This is my life and it won't change.

Sherlock Holmes

I'm a monster.
I don't remember what happened today.
I'm trapped until I find a hero.

asdfghjkl; yeah.

The boyfriend came over last night. Oh dear.
He met the drug investigative mother and the sheriff stepfather. He still wants to stick around. Goodie (:

It's the weekend. Feeding time. It feels so wrong since I broke the rule Thursday. I don't know what to do. It's impossible for me to pick what I want to eat anyways, maybe I'll fast this weekend. Or maybe I'll force 'x' amount of calories down. That needs to happen. The darkness has been everywhere.

Mason, the brother, went to NY. Peace floats around the house.

I need to do Christmas shopping fml.
I suck at getting stuff for people /:
This disappoints me.
Countdown: 7 days. Oh no.

<3 falling in love, wouldn't I like to think so...

I Forgot.

Aye. Remember that happiness from yesterday?
Oh yeah. It's still here.
Remember that 132 I was last night?
It's come to a decreasing 133.

What? 133? I did gently stuff my face today. I literally forgot how to eat. Forgot how to prepare food. Forgot how to wash my own dishes. Forgot how to work the oven and microwave. A disastrous adventure the day turned out to be.

School and the play didn't happen. Because southerners see white stuff falling from the sky and think the world is ending. This morning there were seven fatality car wrecks within three minutes. Seriously. What the fuck. Needless to say, there was no way I was driving today. No leaving the house. DD wanted me to go to her house today. I think she got mad at me because I refused to drive. My mom wouldn't have let me anyways. .........

Cleansing my body tonight.
Water, tea, coffee, health drink.
Water & tea pills.
I might drown in my cleansing process... Oh no.

<3.loveeeeeeeeee

sleepsleepsleep

132 and fucking owning it.

Insomnia opens the door with air so cold and sharp, the cuts it leaves don't even bleed. Why can my eyes not roll into the back of my head? Even a little bit of REM would be nice. I can't choose a stage of sleep, they all have a chance of holding a nightmare. You can dream in every stage of sleep.
2am and I'm still not sleeping. Sometime between 11pm and 1am I think I fell into a very deep sleep, a dreamless somber.

Why am I so dumb? Forgetful, rather.
Sleeping pills would have been nice. I have plenty.
But now it's too late, they'd keep me down for too long.

<3 maybe the next 24 hours of my life
will be at least as half as good as the last.

Loveee.

High off ADD meds and Sudafed:

Super great, smile-filled day! Yes, exclamation point.
My desire for learning - as strong as ever.
My energy levels - through the roof.
My class productivity - exceeded 110%.
My body - eating itself surely.

Does anyone see? Can anyone see what I feel happening to my body? Anyone notice the little difference? I've lost and kept off at least 10 pounds since school started. Very ashamed of how much I let myself gain this summer. Maybe I'm genius at hiding my body. Perhaps people are just dumb. Maybe no one even notices me enough. No, I have too much self worth today to believe that. I must be genius. Maybe... no one looks close enough. Goodgoodgood.

0 bites. Success. Win. Score. I desire to see my numbers.
After school, there were rehearsals for the class play I take small part in. After rehearsals, there was food in the cafeteria. I promised the boyfriend a ride home, for he's in the play as well, but I couldn't even go near the food. I went to enjoy sweet, sweet nicotine while he ate.
How? How is it at all okay to be with someone you cherish so much, but you can't sit down with them while they eat, let alone join them eating? eateateat. It's not okay. I don't like it. Back when food was okay, I remember it being such a lovely thing being able to socialize and be with people while you all ate, laughed, and enjoyed yourselves. Happiness, smiles. I can force myself to accept having to eat like a normal human being when I'm forced out with the family or if I need to eat in front of someone to falsely prove I'm not starving myself. But I can't do that. I can't do that for my boyfriend. Anything to avoid food. Can't be near it, can't smell it. Can't. Awkward to lie and leave something so normal and accepted with the dumbest excuses.
How is my boyfriend okay with this? How doesn't this upset him like it upsets me? I wish I could share something like that with him. So badly. I hate that food is my immortal enemy. I don't understand how he knows what I do, how long it's been going on, and that it could very well be the death of me. I told him I'd have to wait in the car while he ate after rehearsals. Why did I feel disappointment coming from his eyes? Why does he say it's okay?
I think he just knows I can't be helped unless I want to help myself. He's accepting my defect and continuing to love me for who I am. In a way, it's saddening. But I'm very much so thankful. If I ever did seek help, I feel like he'd be the one to make me want to help myself the most. I've broken my family's hearts before; they all have special cracks just from mememe that break every time I let them down. That heartbreak sucks, but I've never hurt my boyfriend before, that I know of. I couldn't bare it.
I'm so young but I feel so sure of our relationship.

The days are falling closer and closer to Christmas.
Happy time of the year.
Why does every holiday have huge food occasions?
Death.

The last time my stomach grumbled at me was Monday.
For the past couple weeks, it's only been Mondays.

I felt like I was on top of the world today.
Happy, energetic, enthusiastic, empty.
I felt like a princess. Yes, a princess.
I felt like Love.

<3 live.love.empty.

Oh, what?

I'm weak and cold and I can't let myself see my numbers.

Starving has started to feel so good, I'm letting myself feel fear of food.
Obsession is where I can't bring myself back.
So baked. Feeling so good.
My scars are peeling away. Gross, but good.
The Sudafed has had my brain in a cloud all day.

I want to see what other people see.
I pray my mom really doesn't know about my habits.
My mind blacked out today. I lost 10 minutes of class.

I need food. Food is life. My body is hating me.
But I can't. I won't let myself.
I hate this struggle but I can'tlivewithout it.

Emotion? Expression? What? I'm not remembering what they feel like.
I am not a zombie. I am tired. I need sleep. I need a break.
My body's systems aren't functioning right.

<3 can't tell what hunger is anymore.

Lost Hope like a left turn.

Why? Why me? Why now?
133 and accepting it. But it's not okay.

I think Chemistry is messing with my head. Why am I doing all the work, learning in class and being able to apply it to my work, but when a test comes I diediedie. I walk in confident and then my brain is destroyed. I don't understand. And my confusion mixed with grades below my standards is breaking me right down the middle. This needs to be fixed. Right now.
I was pretty okay until I found out my test grade. I was feeling fairly happy. I was almost loving every second of my life. And then - I wasn't me. I wasn't the zombie either. I was heartbroken by my own disappointment in myself. Could I expect too much of myself? I expect near perfection. Unreasonable? Do I fear disappointing other people too much? I feel the needdesireurge to live in my brother's footsteps. He has one of those bright/strong/leading souls that goes on to be a God. Why can't I achieve this? I work my ass off for it. Why do I feel as though I would die before I could ever please myself?

0 bites. 0 calories. 0 sins. My disappointment made me too sick to my stomach to even feel the hunger. Why is it I don't feel it like I used to? Perhaps the cold winter air makes my insides numb. Swiftly making it's way inside me not having much to fight through. I've found it impossible to sit comfortable anywhere without a lot of cushion. My bones aren't used to having this little protection, they're feeling sensitive. I wishwishwish my eyes weren't broken. Even if seeing myself made me uncomfortably drift from my habits. I want to see what everyone else sees of me. Inside and out. No one has commented on my shrinking process. And I know my mom knows. She gave me a tripletripletriple take one morning when I came down in skinny jeans. I know that face she made. That's the "she's at it again" "my heart is breaking" "I can't help her" face. The face that breaks me the same way what she sees breaks her. I heard the sound of glass hearts shatteringshatteringshattering.

I achieved Operation Sudafed. Instead of my usual 12 hour, it's the 24 hour dose. Recommended dose: 1. Cannot wait to send my brain away for the day. My sudafed high's put my heartsoulbrain in a cloud and they're free to rest. And thanks to being a freak of nature, it has reverse effects on me. It so commonly cracks people out as for me, I get to float in a cloud just as the rest of me internally.

On top of all the Sudafed I have, I could top it off with the Oxycotton I got from my mom and the sleeping pills I have stashed in hidden cells of my room:
and die.

Y'know. I feel worse than dead. I reached the bottom of hopeless today, not reaching an understanding to why I can't get things right. Mainly Chemistry. Basically. I couldn't figure out why my heart sank so far it was dragging on the floor behind me. Why? Why? I never used to be this dead from grades. Hakuna Matata was life and always fixed it. Why has it stopped? What am I doing wrong?
I've decided to give in the the mood stabilizers.
I believe smoking weed would help. I had near perfect grades when I was a pot head. I got all my shit done at home. I was happier. This is all I can think that I've been doing different. And I think weed makes things better in my life. Somehow. Somehow I think it makes me almost productive. Very productive.

I have something I want to say to everyone close to me and I've recently been a burden to. And Hinder knows best how to say it. Hinder knows the song to my heart right now.
Click here.

<3 I refuse to feel hopeless.
<3 If no one else will give up on me, why would I?
<3 My inner demons need to die.

Weekend Wars

Recall Casey walking out of my life?
Recall everyone thinking DD is the root of all evil?
Recall the zombie taking over Morgan?

So yesterday I cleaned the house because I like feeling accomplished, responsible. I ate because my brother shared with me. I took laxatives because purging is well on its way to cursing me with diabetes (I learned today). I purged anyways because I can't let myself keep food inside me. I smoked weed because the rents left the house and it was exactly what I needed.
Eating is getting harder and harder. Hunger feels better than it ever has. The darkness is my best friend. Without it, I don't know who I am.

So today was the big day. I had a session with my old therapist.
What I figured out:
- I lost myself under stress of school and chores
- DD never sucked the life out of me, she took up the time I had for myself after school which was all the kept me sane
- Casey's anger, frustration, and jealousy lead her mind to believe lieslieslies
And avoided my daily food struggles like the plague.
Basically it. But this is exactly what I needed to sit down and think about.
I feel better. I feel like me. I feel like Morgan.

Mom stopped by the place I had my session afterwards to see me. We talked. "Take the mood stabilizer" "no more fish oils" "your body is broken". A lot of random topics that shot my brain right back to hibernate. My mom claims that I wouldn't need the fish oils if I took the mood stabilizer because when I'm happy and feeling okay, school isn't hard. Hard to deny. We went into how my "old" eating habits - purging - have destroyed organ functions, sugar levels, and stomach acids/bacterials. This is all too realrealreal and undeniably frightening. A little bit depressing... She's sending me to a doctor to get everything inside me checked out. She suspects I occasionally fall back into those habits. Oh how she doesn't even know what goes on right in front of her face.. It breaks my heart that she just accepts that I'm suffering, and have been for years, from a mental disorder that makes everyday a bigger challenge than it ever should be and that I destroydestroydestroy my body because of it. It will be the death of me and both me and my mother know it... More so I than her.

After session and Mom talk, I went to see DD. I told her everything as we had our smoke time. I was texting Casey, telling her I want a session with her and DD. Within maybe half an hour, life was fixed via keyboard.

Life is coming together.

These past couple weeks have almost killed me. I've been pulled/torn/shattered/broke to the point where I couldn't even feel it anymore and sat back to let it happen. So dead inside I didn't fight for myself one bit. I let the wolves eat me day and night.
And now.
I found my light again. The zombie has been locked away. Morgan is here and alive.

I ate yesterday.
I've eaten today. (Only because I would have hit the ground because I had a panic attack after my session while I was talking to my mom.)
I hatehatehate it with a burning passion of a thousand universes.

Food makes me sad. Breaks my heart. Makes me hate myself.
Is it weird that it feels good I can say I hate myself now?
I can finally feel something. I know who I am. There's a light in my heart again.
Food turns it off...

<3 to skinny.
<3 to Morgan.
<3 to everyone who didn't give up on me when I did.

BrokenEyesTellingLies

Are my eyes broken? Is 131 really this big?
Today is Saturday. Typical feeding day.
I must eat to shrink. I don't like it.
Perhaps running is in the weekend schedule.

Yes, the collar bones are suffocating.
What? The spine has teeth?
Ribs are trying to hide. It's too cold for them.
Thigh gap? Not enough.
Hip bones? Goodbye belts.

Why must everyone be home? I want to put skinny clothes on and see them sag. Comfort walks in the door. Something about having relations with a hanger makes everything feel better. No one ever says the hanger looks bad. No matter what it wears. And when need be, downshifting to invisible is my safety.

Success? I can't tell. The darkness is just a little bit away. Not close enough for my numbers to be such an all time low. Confusion settles.

Barn today? Tomorrow? Running? Eating?
I don't want to eat. It's not normal.
I don't know what to do with myself.

<3 skinny.

Explode -> Implode -> Heal

So that family intervention. What?

It went something like this:
The rents walk in. I think they forgot. Mom starts with blahblahblah. I'm losing concentration gathering all my anger. I got some "you're not the same" wrapped around "ever since DD came along" and a list of mistakes/flaws/defects. Apparently my mom knows my feelings better than I do? What do I know..? I'm the one in a fight between myself and a zombie. There's sadness/anger/insomnia in the air floating solemnly with "miscommunications" and "fix your life" served with a big plate of "will continue taking the mood stabilizers, fix your friendship with Casey, therapy until we fix what's wrong with you". My mom blames my always-seasonal night terrors on DD. Oh, but.. I recall having the conversation with her that yes, they do always haunt me in the cold weather. What's that, Mom? Oh, I'm not allowed to defend myself or my newest friend DD? Oh yeah, sorry. I won't talk. I listened to the bashingbashingbashing of my entire existence. Because that's going to 'fix me'...
I creep to the door to have a cigarette. Perfect distraction. They continue to talk/rant/blame as we smoke. I complain of the cold. They keep smoking. I run away. Brilliance.

I call the boyfriend longing to hear his voice. Simple chitter chatter. He reads/stalks/invades my blog. While we're on the phone. It's not so much an invasion, I suppose. I'm just not used to letting someone who's "not like me" inside my brain like he is... It's new to me but he doesn't judge and he's not down my throat about what I do food-wise everyday. He asks simple questions about my habits sensitive of how he words it. I have no problem answering him. Mind blowing to me - how I'm so willing to share all aspects of my life with him. Something about this boy feels like forever/partners/together..

We throw our heads back and laugh at our imaginative "what if's" and take a few glances into the possible future. We trade our gratitude. I think I lectured him. Explaining how I feel for him, I can't stop. Can't stop looking for words. I could talk for years - how much he means to me. He's bringing me back to life. He shows up and the zombie hides. One touch, a hug, a kiss - it feels like the world stops and waits for us. I think he's magically showing me who I am again.
For my heart, he constructed the key.
He's from the Heavens setting me free.

Too much boyfriend wrapped around the brain, almost forgot to throw in the number update!

131 and still empty. Empty now, empty later, empty forever.
I feel like a Greek Goddess.
13 pounds underweight.
Happiness consumes.

Watch me get stuck. I see it coming.
About to beat the living shit out of myself.
Bracing myself.

<3 empty empty empty.
empty empty love empty.
empty love empty empty.
love empty empty empty.
empty empty empty love.

no one.

I just got home from school. I have too much to say, there will most certainly be more to be said later on tonight.

I wake up without remembering the terrors of the night before, thankful. I'm freezing, as always. I do my normal morning things with one task extra. I take the mood stabilizer against my better thinking. Wish I hadn't... I go pick up DD and I'm breaking as we have our morning smoke. VentVentVent. We go to school blah blah blah.
Twitter.
I tweeted, "I can't handle this. I can't handle myself." before the first class even starts. (It's morning, what do you expect?) Rough night, not enough sleep. Expecting a rough morning as it is. I get a text from Casey asking if I'm okay with a bunch of "too much DD" and I'm of course going to back her up. She's my friend too, and I love her. Casey rages and shuts me out of her life with a million bolts on the door back in. I shatter all over my first period. 8:00am and I'm already dead. I text my mom. Fightfightfight between me and Casey and my Mom and I'm breakingbreakingbreaking everywhere. From 8am 'til 12, I don't remember what I was doing, where I was, or what was happening. I felt like I was in a place I'd never been before and couldn't feel myself. I was a floating sack of bones and a broken chest cavity. I wasn't functioning in the brain or heart but I had been doing my work surprisingly, even did all my homework. What?
I started getting warm in my first period. This is odd because I'm always fully dressed in my coat and usually scarf if I have one. I always feel like I'm laying in ice. I got excessively hot in my second class. So hot I took my boots off. I didn't even care if the kid next to me saw my foot. I ask to go to the bathroom and I stand outside with my short sleeve t-shirt on and just stand. I got so hot I was shaking and thought I was going to be sick and pass out. Thank God it's winter and the cold is my ultimate cure. I managed through the rest of class with an extreme headache. Self medication works, down go 3 pretty little candies. The pain subsides.

In my third period, I see ana-buddy RaeRae and the boyfriend. I walk in, sit, do homework - alone with musical stylings to sort thoughts and blur the world. I felt like I was on Mars, no idea where I was really. From walls to faces, I didn't know what I was looking at. Raven comes over and I texted her shit was going down. We hug. She's busy doing things to prep for the class play we're about to preform. Workworkwork musicmusicmusic numb scared broken. The boyfriend shows up. He doesn't know my life just got destroyed. He asks what's wrong. I get maybe two words out and I breakshatterdie all over him. I crybawldrown for a couple minutes. I throw around "no more Casey" "why" "my mom blaming DD" "therapy?" in between sobs and broken breaths. He holds me and kisses my head. He heals my heart more than he'll ever know. He goes to another scene, I sob and continue listening to my music as I attempt to understand my homework as I come back to life. Someone asked if I was okay. I didn't want to eat them. I didn't yell. I barely made a noise. Their sympathypity softens my chest cavity a little bit. The boyfriend comes back, I break again as he unknowingly puts me back together. The never ending cycle.

This outbreak of volcanic eruptions in my life is exactly what he's scared of. This destroyed me to bits. I died. Death. Darkness. Had I not had some kind of out of body experience and knew what was going on through out the day, I would have picked myself up, driven away, and laid myself out to die. It would have been over.

Still crying at the end of class, our eyes meet and he gives me a questioning look. I ask him to join me for lunch and he's all for it. I need him. We sit and talk as I smoke and he eats. I'm so distraught, the smellsfoodchewing doesn't even make me uncomfortable. I pull my tears in long enough to spill the whole day to him. Casey. Mom. Everyone blaming DD. Feeling numb. The mood stabilizer. He is the first person of the day to make me crack a smile. A real one. Real happiness. Warmth inside me. I start to get cold. I can tell he's fixing me.

I go to my last class and tell my teacher I can't function, breathe, live through class. He's pretty cool, understands, and doesn't ask questions. I blast my headphones so loud to leave the world, I think I busted one. I hope not.. I couldn't tell. DD reads the texts from the day and criescriescries. Now we're both broken. But she saw I stood up for her and that was the only thing that kept her from losing it. We need each other. True love.

I recall having my counselors phone number, praying she gets texts. She does. I ask if she lets my mom know I don't want her at our session because she'd eat me alive and make sure she was there. I don't think she'll be coming. So much relief.

So only a portion of my day was miserable. The morning, mostly. The rest just painful. I am heartbroken, empty, broken, frustrated. What did I do differently this morning. The mood stabilizer. All Hell broke loose and I had no idea how to handle it and I didn't even feel anything after a certain point. Never been so broken and sad from my life blowing up. I blame the pill. I didn't take the mid-day dosage. I'll flush the night time swallows. Can't handle the sadness and radioactivity it brings. Can't let myself feel that way again.

Thank you:
Boyfriend
DD
Raven
For saving my life.

I talked about Morgan in third person today.
I've had enough. I will wake up myself again soon.
Not losing myself. Not losing the better parts of my life.
Not letting go this easy.

Family intervention happening tonight? I feel it happening.
While decorating the Christmas tree? Yes, because I am the reason we're that jacked up as a family.
Brother will not be joining. Thank goodness. He will be attending the AttackAttack! and Pierce The Veil concert I wanted to be at. I'm so in love with the screaming Mexicans. They saved the end of my day.

<3 All hopes going out to:
Not being sent off. (although, doubtful)
Finding myself
Putting my pieces back together
Believing.
Love.

BurdenOfDeath

The mood stabilizer I took earlier this evening:
If it's doing anything at all, it's making me worse.

That mini sandwich I just mentioned:
Down the toilet accompanied by acidic stomach bits and esophagus blood.

I bend over and my sins sink out of me.
I just might hit the peak of death before anything in my life changes.


I'm scared.
For myself and everyone I might hurt...

I'm dying.
I'm sure of it.

There's no escape....

wrongWRONGwrong fears.

With one piece of bread in my hand containing two mega thin slices of turkey and one slice of sharp cheese, I can surely say it's the hardest thing I've done all week. I still know food is life but I hate it and I hatehatehate that being moments away from the floor attacking my face only leads to more problems.

Maybe one day I can take care of the inside of my body and not leave scars on the outside of my body to remind me that it was a dirty, filthy sin.

Crying myself to sleep.
Because Morgan didn't take pills for everything.
Because "eating like normal people" is wrongwrongwrong.
Because I feel like I hurt my boyfriend letting him know what goes on inside my head.
Because Zombie is angry that someone is trying to replace her with Morgan.

Because everyday is hard and painful every step of the way.


My heart in broken shards,
I'm falling away from one hundred fears -
to face a thousand more.

NotQuiteShattered.(but broken)

About to write a book.

Last night my demons were attacking me every which way I ran. One nightmare after another. After the first one I knew I was dreaming and tried to escape the Hell my brain was putting me thorough, but I literally felt someone holding me down keeping my eyes shut pulling me back into unconsciousness. I escaped around 2:30am. My first dream was as bizarre as it was horrifying.
A man offered to let me see who I was, let me know this girl I've been on the search for. He told me I had to fulfill tasks in order to see and if I backed out, my consequence was death. I didn't suspect I'd have to do anything crazy, so I was all for it. My task: Kill, destroy, demolish everything that means anything to me and see what's inside. I for a split second, actually debated succeeding for my own selfish reasons. Everyone around me looked at me, telling me I don't have to do this and I have a choice. I tell the man I change my mind. He tells me it's a shame and I have to die but he's kind enough to give me what I want just before I do.
Next thing I know I'm covered in stitches all over my body and they start to pop off one by one. THen faster and faster they come apart and everything inside me was then on the ground. Skin, bones, organs, blood. I saw myself a bloody mess. My heart was blue and twitching, trying with all it's might to work again but it shrivels up and turns to dust. I look at my stomach. It's torn open and the contents inside included probably three hundred pills of different shapes and sizes and colors.

Did I mention I remember waking up at 2:30? I go to pick up DD and she asks me what my text was about last night. I don't remember sending her anything. In both our phones, a message from me to her, was me talking to her saying I don't think I'm going to make it and it was my every thought from the dream when I was watching myself die on the ground. I text my mom freaking out and she's not a fan of DD. She thinks DD is destroying me. I wish I could correct her and tell her it's everyday life and food that's breaking me to pieces. I tell her it's constant nightmares that I've let myself deal with in silence because there's nothing that can be done about them and they make me feel like giving up. ... They are beginning to control my life again. They're literally eating me from the inside out.
My mom tells me I will be taking herbal mood stabilizers from now on. 3 a day, everyday. And this Sunday, I have to go to a counselor with her. I wouldn't mind so much going if she didn't have to be there. I wouldn't mind exposing every word I've put in this blog if my mom didn't have to be there. I would want to talk about everything and focus on getting better if my mom didn't have to be there. What the fuck?! I've been without her before. Why do I need her now? I don't. I'm furious with her that she's tagging along. I won't say a word. She's a vicious person and opening the first page to my current thoughts to her would make her want to jump across the room and strangle me. Anger raging through my entire body.

DD gave me one of her ADD pills today but it was harder than ever to focus. It's not one of the normal ones she gives me. But it made my day interesting because I felt like I was young again. I didn't care about anything and just enjoyed myself. Exactly what I needed. I wasn't a zombie but I feel like I was in the heavens all day. Away.

After school I tried to get my friends to buy me Sudafed. No one wanted to buy them because they thought they were supporting Meth habits. ...I only want them because they take the hunger away and give me such an awkward sinus pressure that when the darkness consumes, somehow I still manage to keep my feet on the ground. Only once were they unfaithful.
Then me and DD went to her house, mapped out her Vyvanse to make sure we planned it out just right so she wouldn't run out before she had her prescription refilled. Then - we fell asleep. So angry! What if my nightmares captured me? Woke up and it was dark. I went home.
As soon as I walk in my mom starts lecturing me about the pills she got me to "not be depressed" anymore and gets more and more angry as she talks. I sneak away as she's lecturing and cooking. She barely notices. - Hey Mom, if you're going to tell me how much you love having me at home with you and how much more time you want to spend with me, try noticing when I leave the room. Anger and sadness rush in.

I go upstairs and as I'm changing clothes and getting ready for tomorrow, the boyfriend calls. Exactly what I need. We talk about simple nothings giggling and enjoying each other's voice. We get into the topic of how I've been keeping him in the darkness. I had planned to offer him the option of reading this on Christmas. But, he didn't want to wait. I was hesitant. Copy, Paste, Send. Irregular heart beats begin to break my ribcage. He hangs up to read my last post and calls me back. Fear tightly grasping every sensitive part of my body tying my insides in knots.
He lays down the "I'm sorry"'s and "I love you"'s mixed with the typical "I'm scared" and "I'm in this for good" somewhere in between the "I'm a burden" "No you're not" "I don't want to bring you into this part of my life" "Don't leave me"
We cry and cry and I think I could hear his heart stop, crack, and start back up again. Mine stopped beating completely. I died for the hour we talked back and forth at each other about this. He's scared I'm going to hit another mountain in my life and I'm going to break and he'll never see me again. As long as he's still here, as long as I have a list of reasons for 'Why not?' - I couldn't. I won't. I can't. I will keep fighting.

I need to figure out who I am again.
I need to go to Zombieland.
I need to find myself.

Remembering Morgan.
She had eyes made to light up the world.
Her smile made a roomful of hearts happy.
She didn't cut herself.
Her confidence existed.
She believed in herself.
Her goal everyday was to improve someone else's.
She was happy and didn't have to think about why.
Her pill intake wasn't through the roof.
She didn't have to debate every night whether or not she had any strength left over for the next day.

Her biggest struggles were still eating and nightmares.
But she knew what she wanted and who she was.

Knowing the Zombie:
Something inside has to fight her not to slice open her skin every night.
She has to be extra careful not to keep the sleeping pills too close at night.
The only way she can stop herself from crying when she starts, is to sleep.
A darkness will come and she welcomes it with open arms.
Life is but a word, empty and stupid.
Finds innocent souls to harm and feed on, mostly Morgan.

This zombie has got to go. I need to be Morgan.
But I feel like my food and weight obsessions are taking over and may be what's letting this zombie live inside me and eat me away.

I hope Zombie left a little bit of Morgan somewhere.
The family that lives in her house, her friends, ana-buddies, and boyfriend need her back.

<3 Death is consuming, far too close.
The zombie and the girl don't know what to do.
Finally numb, and it's worse than being in pain.

Zombieland.

Hi. I am radioactive.
Numbers unknown but evidence shows they're decreasing.

Yesterday was a heart break for lunch and meltdown for dinner. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and seeing as how I do nothing of significance, it never happened. Tuesday hurt so bad it's all a blur and pains my whole body to think about it.

From beginning to end in a nutshell: Tuesday.
The night before I was struck by the terrors I'm cursed with behind my eyelids in deep unconsciousness. The beloved horse of mine that is still alive, had died. (In my dream.) I woke up with a headache, ridiculous heart rate that was killing my chest, and tears everywhere. In my dream, I got one of those phone calls of horrid news. I've already lost one horse, I was so dead inside thinking I'd lost another - and on top of that I couldn't be with him when he passed. So all morning I'm thinking he's gone forever and I wanted to be dead, gone, done with. I later figure out via my mother that he's alive and well. I was happy but my heart still hurt from breaking.
I was stressing all day about classes, my grades, life in general, and I felt particularly obese. I had lunch alone in my car with my pack of cigarettes and criedcriedcried. My eyes hurt. I blew up at only a couple people dying to be alone an sadly for both me an others, no one can see that in my face. After school, me and DD go back to her house. I fall asleep, waking up to DD running frantic calling her friend. We have to rush to her other friend's house on a rescue mission. We basically saved her life, stopped her from ending it herself. I felt so good! I helped save a beautiful life. We go back to DD's, pick up her sister, and we head to smoke before bible study. We park, we smoke, and it hits me: how the fuck do I help save someone who I'm not even that close to but I couldn't help HotPocket? I had to be held back and was forced to watch the killing needle do it's work on him. I completely broke. Criedcriedcried some more. I took DD to bible study and went home. A day of fasting.

Today:
Started odd, I must say. I woke up to someone screaming my name. It sounded like they were in my bathroom but even my mom wasn't up yet. And she's an early bird. It was 4:33am. Half an hour early I get ready for school, pick up DD and we have our morning smoke. I'm struck with excruciating pains in my stomach, never had anything like them before in my life. I was highly considering calling 911. It felt like bombs of glass shards were held captive in my body and it felt like my body temperature was changing every 10 minutes from ice cold to fire hot. Massive head ache all day. I took a Vyvanse so that completely took care of my mood. And I think I did pretty well on a chemistry test. I hope I did. I need some kind of motivation. One good grade in that class could give me just the ounce of self worth I need to pick myself up again. I invited the boyfriend to lunch with me but he couldn't make it because bike cop was on patrol. I wasn't unstable so I wasn't overflown with negative moods that broke me. I left after I aced a quiz in my last class, but forgot I lent my iPod to someone and had to walk all the way back from my car to class and THEN I went home. I was originally going to sleep in my car 'til school was over so I could see the beloved boyfriend but I was so furious I just rushed home after my stop to the bank. I walked in my room, got my pills ready for tomorrow and started to cry. I didn't want to be sad so I went to sleep. I woke up and showered for about an hour, mostly laying in the tub letting the water fall down on me, warm and steamy. First time I've been warm in a week.

I have officially transformed into a zombie. I haven't smoked weed in far too long but I'm always too tired or have too much I need to do but end up putting off for other reasons anyways.

Christmas is coming around. 17 days.
Again with holiday food.
Kill me now.

If I didn't love my mom as much as I do,
If I wouldn't feel worse afterwards how my stepdad would feel,
If I didn't think DD really couldn't manage without me,
If my horse wasn't alive and well,
If I hadn't fallen mad for my boyfriend,
If I didn't have the #1 wingman for a kitty in the world,
I would be dead.
I would be a spirit helping other people in pain.
I would be an angel for all the cracked souls of adolescence.
I would be in the heavens with my dear HotPocket.

I fast to waste away.
I fast because I don't deserve to fuel my body.
I fast because it's typically the only thing I do right.
I fast because I -
I wish I could say "I hate myself", I think that's how I used to feel. But I can't say that anymore, because I don't know who I am anymore. Zombieland captured who I used to be.

Zombieland captured so much of me:
My smiles.
My love.
My happiness.
My self-worth.
My confidence.
My work ethic.
My heart.
My soul.
My passion.
My whole self.

I used to be somebody.
I used to dream. I used to believe.
I used to makes wishes on stars.
It's all over and done with now.

<3 Skinny thoughts.
Ps. I love my ana-girls DD & RaeRae.
They complete me and are the only things that get me through when the zombie within is killing me.

TellingLiesPlayingGames.

I'm ashamed to say I did not fast this weekend.
Scared to weigh my sins, I cannot calculate my grossness.

I saw a picture of a girl today. She had a rather lovely shattered smile stretched upon her face. Her eyes had a shine but behind them, there was no hiding the fact that it's all a charade. There was a mystery to her, something broken. This girl was me. I stared and stared and stared. I had no idea who this girl was. I can look in the mirror and say I don't know who I'm looking at. I don't know who I am anymore.

I feel it happening. I lived in Zombieland today but it was easy to get through the day telling lies and playing games. I even escaped going out to the family dinner. I didn't take anything for the hunger today, it's almost like it was never there. I've become ignorant to what my body wants and needs.

My pill intake is increasing. Just a few more candies to make it all go away. Just a few more pretty colors melting in my tummy, the only things keeping me moving. I've reached 15 candies a day, sometimes more. To sleep, to think, to fuel, to wake up, to burn calories, to empty fluids, to function the brain. I've set Morgan aside and let Zombie shift herself into autopilot. Where did I go? Zombieland has got me stuck, held captive. There is no escape. The darkness is finding me.

Empty.Empty.Empty.Empty.Empty.Empty.Empty.Empty.Empty.
0 calories.
0 bites.
0 sins.
Skinny thoughts <3

CursesCurses

We bought our Christmas tree today. Thought I was going to faint just walking around outside, not having any chance to sit down and not look like I should be shot to a hospital with the deadest look upon my face. ZombieMorgan was here today.
Casey came over and is spending the night. She's dead in my bed at the moment. It snowed here, quite lovely. Super cold = super calorie burn. Casey would have askedaskedasked so many questions had I not ate warm food to satisfy our freezing bodies after being outside with her. The laxatives I took to not instantaneously gain a million pounds were just recently loyal to me. Ouch ouch ugh why do I have to eat? Why do I fail? Why can't I shrink and be blown away?

Tip: Drink enough water if you take laxatives. It hurts worse when you've dehydrated yourself.

I plan to be the best little girl I can be tomorrow and until I have to break for the parental units dictating my life or if I have to drive and truly fear the darkness will wrap it's cold arms around my goose bumpy body. All the way from my cold little toes to my ankles to my knees to my whale sized thighs to my bulbous hips to my reasonable ribcage to my far-from-shy collar bones to my bloody acidic poison ridden throat straight into my pale-for-the-mixed-girl's face.

It's freezing this year, coldest winter we've had in a while. Usually, we can't manage snow until maybe January. December 4 and it's at least 1.5inches. For the semi-south, this is mind blowing. The rednecks will die off faster though. They scare me on the road, can't stand driving. I always feel like my life will be taken any second.

I'm going to freeze so hard my organs will use up all my fat to wrap themselves in blankets and they'll shiver so long all the fat will be burned away, eaten, destroyed by my will power.

Winter winds, wisp me away.
Skinny thoughts <3

Darkness Consumes

Day 3 begins.
133 and not happy enough.
Death is locked in on my coordinates.

This is only day 3. Why do I feel like I'm dying? The darkness is all around me and my stomach is making noises at me. I'm weak and can't keep myself moving. Moving in general is hard. How am I going to help decorate for Christmas? That takes so much work. So much strength I don't have.

My brain is soggy like cereal left in the milk far too long. My stomach swallows itself whole the way a snake takes its victims. My throat bleeds of acidic breaths. I'm letting my muscles suffer alone, soon enough withering away to slivers of pink meat. Stuck in the frozen state for the body and mind, this winter weather is only holding me up. Holding me still. Making me fragile.

Time passes and it's getting harder to fall asleep. Once more, about to rely on pills for every day functions. Breathe, walk, drive, think, move, speak, sleep. A pretty little candy for each. Sometimes even two or three. The doses are increasing.

Hding is getting easier. I curl up in the corners of my clothes with space to spare. Hiding, creeping, sneaking about and I can only hope no one sees. I'm getting good! I'm being an Ana Angel! Curse the soul who tries to turn me bad. I can't. I can't betray. I need to be light enough for the winter winds to take me away.

Skinny thoughts <3

HateBrokenLoveHappy

So much to spill-

I have no idea what my numbers are. Haven't had a chance to weigh myself.
I feel like they may be acceptable seeing as how I just went to pee, stood up, and fell all over my bathroom. The darkness consumed.

So yesterday, when I got home from school - right after by the way - I laid down in all my clothes, exaughsted, and wanted to pass out right then and there. But then my brain did something it hasn't done in a while -
"You can't be a bum! Do something with you life. Your mother is stressed and the house is a disaster. You're the only one to fix it."

I clean the floors, my room, the kitchen, and the family room. So much better. Success. I work on people's Christmas presents. I'm doing something similar for everyone close. Straight from the heart. By the time I'm done with everything, it's only 5pm. So, I sit in bed to watch tv and relax, feeling deserving of it. I get on the computer for about an hour, not even turning on the tv because I'm too lazy to please myself with cartoons or surf the channels. While I'm on the computer, Kitty, my cat.. is staring at me. Really hard. She stares a hole into my head for about 5 minutes; I feel she won't look away. I put my computer down, still haven't glanced at my cat. I breathe for a second preparing for her to devour my face, look at her, and she rubs her face upon mine ever so gently and purrs so hard. It was cute. She gets between the pillows split on the two halves of my bed, makes space, and lays down with her face really close to mine. I pet her, roll over, and die.
I slept from about 6pm 'til about 11:30pm. My bed heald me captive. I had zero intention of being dead all evening, not even being able to see my mom or stepdad. I felt bad. I lie awake and my other ana buddy, not DD, has been suffering pretty bad from insomnia. Fasting kills her. So, I text her. We talk until we fall asleep. While I'm awake, I rekindle the flame me and Google have. I live on that website...
I Google the dangers of purging. Anyone heard of Barrett's Esophagus? I figured, if I've been purging for four+ years, I might as well know certain problems it causes and the dangers and possibly look for ways to prevent it. I read about it and started crying. I felt like I was about to have cancer and have a death sentence under my name. Of course, I'm telling my ana buddy about it as I read. We're both scared for me.

This morning, I walk downstairs at about 5am for my health drink and tea for fuel and to get me through the day. I see my mom putting dishes away from the dishwasher. I have a split second and think - Did they have dinner last night? Was I even invited? Anyone try to wake me up? - When I cleaned dishes yesterday, the dishwasher was nearly empty, even when I was done with it. Anyways, I can feel my mom's anger/frustration radiating throughout the room. Why is she so angry? Because I was dead in bed all evening? She doesn't even say 'Good morning' -
Mom: You're awake? Why do you come home and waste time sleeping the whole time? Why don't you do something constructive? Make use of your time.
Me: I'm so sorry! I had zero intention of dying yesterday. I wish someone woke me up. No one was home by 6; I didn't know when you guys would be home.. I'm so sorry. Complete accident.
Mom: You need to spend your time doing something with yourself. Don't waste away your talents, your life. You shouldn't sleep so much.
Me: *Frustrated, feeling like she completely ignored every word I said* I'm sorry! I had ZERO intention of dying! I didn't mean to! It's done, that was yesterday, there's nothing that can -
Mom: *cutting me off* DON'T GIVE ME ATTITUDE.

That was that, I made my drink, had my cigarette, came back in for my tea and got ready for school. I come back down when I'm done just in time to have one more cigarette with my mom, and by this time my stepdad is outside with her. I come out -

Stepdad: You died yesterday. We missed you.
Me: I know! I'm so sorry... I didn't even mean to. I didn't even want to fall asleep for a nap.
Stepdad and Mother: *giggles*
What the heck? Really Mom? Suddenly its' okay and you can laugh about it?
I'm furious.

In my first class, I write my mom a letter explaining my feelings. Saying I feel resentment towards me from her. Asking why. I can't wait to settle this 'til I get home - I text her. I ask if she's mad, she said she's just stressed (used me as a scapegoat, thanks), I tell her I hate going home RIGHT after school and home isn't the only thing that misses me. For no reason I've had after school hang outs taken out of my schedule. Well, I don't understand why. I spill my guts to her, send her a four page text and I suppose she felt bad and let me have my privileges back and we we're all good. Thank God.

It was an early release so me and DD went to my boyfriend's house. His mom works at the school so she'd be there 'til 4ish. We're all chillin', talkin', havin' a good friendly time. My boyfriend and I fool around. We finish... Me and him go outside to talk and we see his mom pull up. Oh shit moment. He gets in trouble, no phone or friends over for a while. Intense. I feel horrible, like it's all my fault. Another fault. Another mistake. I'm shock full of 'em, eh?

Me and DD go smoke for a bit, I take her home, and I go home.
I read half of Wintergirls and get on the computer. My boyfriend calls, we talk for a few hours. I tell him my life, he knows everything about me. So that being said, I tell him about Barrett's Esophagus. I think he cried a little, at least inside. He tells me how bad he feels for me, wishes he could make me better and says I can fight it and when I turn 18 I should get it checked out. I turn seventeen January 4th. I tell him I will, providing I live that long. I had to explain to him how dangerous and destructive what I do is to my body. He finally stops me, can't listen anymore. I feel bad that what I do breaks his heart. I'd be so broken if I figured out what I do is really killing me and my mom had to get me fixed. Heartbroken.
Locked up in prison 'til I was obese and even more unstable and suicidal than I am now.

Day 2 of a fast. Zombie is coming. Day 3 here I come.
I feel sadness. I can't help the random episodes of being broken...

Once I get going, there is not stopping me. I'm invincible.
I will waste away. The wind will carry me.

Skinny thoughts <3

It's been too long

I haven't posted in what feels like years! I'm sorry guys.
135 and I want to kill myself.
I hate being stuck.

So I noticed a pattern. I seem to eat when life feels okay. And guess what's making me feel mentally better? The boyfriend. What? Boyfriend? Making life feel so much better? Wild. I know. He's so freaking amazing. He knows all my secrets and sins. The cutting, starving, purging - all of it. Yet, he makes me feel like a queen and so deserving of everything. ...I love him. So much.

I haven't fasted in a while, but I begin today. Today was success and it feels so good. So clean. I've missed it. I just hope it doesn't turn me into a zombie again.

Tomorrow is an early release and my parental units don't know. Leaving school at almost 12 to be with the boyfriend for three and a half hours. Possibly more. Stunning. I'm ecstatic. <3

I've fallen so far in love with my boyfriend and he doesn't even know. That's his Christmas present. (:
And Fall Out Boy. The truest love of them all is music and FOB really does it right.

Skinny thoughts<3