I'm(losing)aPerfectThing

I planned for the boyfriend to meet two dear friends of mine, Casey and her boyfriend. It was going to be a surprise. It would have worked out perfect providing he could hang out after school. Perfect.

It started pretty good...
I gave DD her gift and multiple-page card. Love. Went to school and awaited the arrival the the boyfriend for an answer to whether or not he could hang out. He walks in, give me my gift, and tells me no. It took my breath away. I was extremely disappointed. I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, I didn't even break. Just upset and accepted it.
Class was hard because I was distracted by the fall through of his surprise. But, I was okay. I thought positive and made it through. I even did my work in such a state. I take it the mood stabilizers I've been staying on top of have been doing their work. This isn't like me. I wasn't one bit radioactive.
Third period came, time for the boyfriend. I was alright by this time. He asked what was wrong. My response: nothing. Truth. After that, my boyfriend wouldn't so much as talk to me, let alone look at me. I had honestly been okay until then. I thought I did something to make him mad. I, as always, assumed the blame was in my own hands. Heartbreak begins.
I go to lunch, alone. I beat my stress record. Three cigarettes in 30 minutes. I criedcriedbawled. What did I do to upset him, make him ignore me all period? I go to fourth period, so radioactive that one touch would riddle the city with cancer. I listen to music to try and let my brain and heart go into their own world. I lay my head down. I start crying. Hard. Loud. My chest feels like it's being sucked in and it's getting harder and harder to breathe. Nearly impossible. I was actually scared I would suffocate because breathing had never been so hard in my life. I was freezing. I tried to find my pulse. I'm dead fucking serious I couldn't find it. My chest felt like nuclear bombs imploding and the rest of my body was being ripped through meat grinder after meat grinder. This was a new pain.
This was heartbreak.

DD accompanied me after school to make sure I was alive, I assume. I had to get stuff done to my car and that was going to take a while... blahblahblah.
We walk to my car. I almost run because I'm afraid I'm going to drop dead any second. I still had to give the boyfriend his gift from my car but I wasn't sure he'd show up. I honestly thought he'd finally been fed up with my mood swings. I wanted to leave and be gone and not remember. He comes up, I give him his gift, I try to escape. A couple tears, a few "I'm sorry"'s and "I thought you were upset" somewhere mixed with a "I was never mad at you" was being blown around the parking lot with the winter winds.
If we couldn't hang out after school, why would he not try to enjoy the time we have in school together? Why would I be mad? I already stated I understood it wasn't his fault and I wasn't mad at him. If anything, I needed him.

I'm horrified by how much I let my happiness be effected by him.
My mental state is getting better, granted. But, I'm not like most people. Hi, I'm anorexic. My brain is wired completely differently than most of the world's. I will place blame on myself before anyone else. I will ask what I did wrong before I ask what the problem even is. My heart will shakeshakeshatter before anyone else's will skip a beat.
I told him everything. All my secrets. How I think.
He jokes too often about us 'breaking up' or 'there can't be an us anymore'. I think he knows he means a lot to me. But, I doubt very much that he understands how much more effective this relationship is on my life than his. I don't think he sees what he is to me. I don't think he can fully comprehend how fucking hard I had to make my heart and brain work to even begin this relationship. We've come so far.
The horror of losing him is too dreadful to fathom. He's been a bigger source of hope in my life than he knows.

After my heart was beating again, me and DD talked and fooled around at the car shop. Trading words and sharing giggles. She fixes me...

blahblahblah

I go to Casey's to give her her gifts. Good old times. Talked about our day, missing each other. She's not very fond of my boyfriend now. She knows how unstable I get. Not about the food struggles in my life, but she knows my fragile mental and emotional states. We've been through it all. Her boyfriend came. Reunited and it felt like heaven. They are my cure. A few hours away from the world was just what I needed.
*Can't see Casey and not eat. Too sketch.
- 3 laxatives
- Un-counted bites/calories/sins
- Zero purging. ( because I ate so little )

Home at last, cuddling with my kitty.
My heart in one piece, beating almost regularly.

<3 fear rules my life.
fear of losing -
faith, love, the image of 'almost perfection'
fear of disappointment.