HateBrokenLoveHappy

So much to spill-

I have no idea what my numbers are. Haven't had a chance to weigh myself.
I feel like they may be acceptable seeing as how I just went to pee, stood up, and fell all over my bathroom. The darkness consumed.

So yesterday, when I got home from school - right after by the way - I laid down in all my clothes, exaughsted, and wanted to pass out right then and there. But then my brain did something it hasn't done in a while -
"You can't be a bum! Do something with you life. Your mother is stressed and the house is a disaster. You're the only one to fix it."

I clean the floors, my room, the kitchen, and the family room. So much better. Success. I work on people's Christmas presents. I'm doing something similar for everyone close. Straight from the heart. By the time I'm done with everything, it's only 5pm. So, I sit in bed to watch tv and relax, feeling deserving of it. I get on the computer for about an hour, not even turning on the tv because I'm too lazy to please myself with cartoons or surf the channels. While I'm on the computer, Kitty, my cat.. is staring at me. Really hard. She stares a hole into my head for about 5 minutes; I feel she won't look away. I put my computer down, still haven't glanced at my cat. I breathe for a second preparing for her to devour my face, look at her, and she rubs her face upon mine ever so gently and purrs so hard. It was cute. She gets between the pillows split on the two halves of my bed, makes space, and lays down with her face really close to mine. I pet her, roll over, and die.
I slept from about 6pm 'til about 11:30pm. My bed heald me captive. I had zero intention of being dead all evening, not even being able to see my mom or stepdad. I felt bad. I lie awake and my other ana buddy, not DD, has been suffering pretty bad from insomnia. Fasting kills her. So, I text her. We talk until we fall asleep. While I'm awake, I rekindle the flame me and Google have. I live on that website...
I Google the dangers of purging. Anyone heard of Barrett's Esophagus? I figured, if I've been purging for four+ years, I might as well know certain problems it causes and the dangers and possibly look for ways to prevent it. I read about it and started crying. I felt like I was about to have cancer and have a death sentence under my name. Of course, I'm telling my ana buddy about it as I read. We're both scared for me.

This morning, I walk downstairs at about 5am for my health drink and tea for fuel and to get me through the day. I see my mom putting dishes away from the dishwasher. I have a split second and think - Did they have dinner last night? Was I even invited? Anyone try to wake me up? - When I cleaned dishes yesterday, the dishwasher was nearly empty, even when I was done with it. Anyways, I can feel my mom's anger/frustration radiating throughout the room. Why is she so angry? Because I was dead in bed all evening? She doesn't even say 'Good morning' -
Mom: You're awake? Why do you come home and waste time sleeping the whole time? Why don't you do something constructive? Make use of your time.
Me: I'm so sorry! I had zero intention of dying yesterday. I wish someone woke me up. No one was home by 6; I didn't know when you guys would be home.. I'm so sorry. Complete accident.
Mom: You need to spend your time doing something with yourself. Don't waste away your talents, your life. You shouldn't sleep so much.
Me: *Frustrated, feeling like she completely ignored every word I said* I'm sorry! I had ZERO intention of dying! I didn't mean to! It's done, that was yesterday, there's nothing that can -
Mom: *cutting me off* DON'T GIVE ME ATTITUDE.

That was that, I made my drink, had my cigarette, came back in for my tea and got ready for school. I come back down when I'm done just in time to have one more cigarette with my mom, and by this time my stepdad is outside with her. I come out -

Stepdad: You died yesterday. We missed you.
Me: I know! I'm so sorry... I didn't even mean to. I didn't even want to fall asleep for a nap.
Stepdad and Mother: *giggles*
What the heck? Really Mom? Suddenly its' okay and you can laugh about it?
I'm furious.

In my first class, I write my mom a letter explaining my feelings. Saying I feel resentment towards me from her. Asking why. I can't wait to settle this 'til I get home - I text her. I ask if she's mad, she said she's just stressed (used me as a scapegoat, thanks), I tell her I hate going home RIGHT after school and home isn't the only thing that misses me. For no reason I've had after school hang outs taken out of my schedule. Well, I don't understand why. I spill my guts to her, send her a four page text and I suppose she felt bad and let me have my privileges back and we we're all good. Thank God.

It was an early release so me and DD went to my boyfriend's house. His mom works at the school so she'd be there 'til 4ish. We're all chillin', talkin', havin' a good friendly time. My boyfriend and I fool around. We finish... Me and him go outside to talk and we see his mom pull up. Oh shit moment. He gets in trouble, no phone or friends over for a while. Intense. I feel horrible, like it's all my fault. Another fault. Another mistake. I'm shock full of 'em, eh?

Me and DD go smoke for a bit, I take her home, and I go home.
I read half of Wintergirls and get on the computer. My boyfriend calls, we talk for a few hours. I tell him my life, he knows everything about me. So that being said, I tell him about Barrett's Esophagus. I think he cried a little, at least inside. He tells me how bad he feels for me, wishes he could make me better and says I can fight it and when I turn 18 I should get it checked out. I turn seventeen January 4th. I tell him I will, providing I live that long. I had to explain to him how dangerous and destructive what I do is to my body. He finally stops me, can't listen anymore. I feel bad that what I do breaks his heart. I'd be so broken if I figured out what I do is really killing me and my mom had to get me fixed. Heartbroken.
Locked up in prison 'til I was obese and even more unstable and suicidal than I am now.

Day 2 of a fast. Zombie is coming. Day 3 here I come.
I feel sadness. I can't help the random episodes of being broken...

Once I get going, there is not stopping me. I'm invincible.
I will waste away. The wind will carry me.

Skinny thoughts <3