This is my break down.

I miss my boyfriend. He hasn't seen me in far too long. Is he forgetting about me? We talk every night. So what. Seeing a person can make such a difference. Soon he'll forget my face. He must be forgetting what I smell like. He has to. How couldn't he?
I remember. I remember his face. I remember his skin against mine. I remember the falling feeling I'd get whenever he'd touch me. I remember the calming smell of his. If I closed my eyes, it'd feel like I was on a cliff right by the sea and there was a deep, warm rainforest just behind me. I can hear the waves crashing and the animals living. All upon a sunset.

The blood I've drawn isn't enough. I love the knife making it's way in. Pushing just a little bit harder. Nicking the bone, embarrassment racing through the veins just exposed. Red wine trickling down the goose bumps of a cold night, running in circles. The ghosts are flying out faster, faster. screamscreamscreaming at me. "You can be stronger" whipping through "just one more, maybe a few more" that sweetly outline "deeperdeeperdeeper" and "you're doing it wrong, just end it." Depression attacks in the pit of the heart. It makes its home and stops the systems. Welcoming death with a human body for sacrifice.

But I can't.
My mom claims sadness upon my departure.
My horse would have nobody.
And I think the boyfriend wouldn't be happy.
*If he misses me like I hope.

I'm losing reasons for 'why'.

I hear these words of "I love you" and "you're worth so much more" but somewhere it keeps getting twisted into "you fail" and "you just shouldn't even be here." Deep down, every day, I hope something takes me. I hope I am given an escape from the pain. I dream that I've been handed the map to the way out. But I wake up and I hold maps upon maps on the way to the exit and the way to push. The maps to the exit are so much shorter and way less painless. So much faster. debatedebatedebate and I always want that exit sign. I want it shining in my face so bright I go blind. But who am I to leave this world without the ones who depend on me so much?

I never should have let myself go near love,
But I did. And forever it will haunt me.