NotQuiteShattered.(but broken)

About to write a book.

Last night my demons were attacking me every which way I ran. One nightmare after another. After the first one I knew I was dreaming and tried to escape the Hell my brain was putting me thorough, but I literally felt someone holding me down keeping my eyes shut pulling me back into unconsciousness. I escaped around 2:30am. My first dream was as bizarre as it was horrifying.
A man offered to let me see who I was, let me know this girl I've been on the search for. He told me I had to fulfill tasks in order to see and if I backed out, my consequence was death. I didn't suspect I'd have to do anything crazy, so I was all for it. My task: Kill, destroy, demolish everything that means anything to me and see what's inside. I for a split second, actually debated succeeding for my own selfish reasons. Everyone around me looked at me, telling me I don't have to do this and I have a choice. I tell the man I change my mind. He tells me it's a shame and I have to die but he's kind enough to give me what I want just before I do.
Next thing I know I'm covered in stitches all over my body and they start to pop off one by one. THen faster and faster they come apart and everything inside me was then on the ground. Skin, bones, organs, blood. I saw myself a bloody mess. My heart was blue and twitching, trying with all it's might to work again but it shrivels up and turns to dust. I look at my stomach. It's torn open and the contents inside included probably three hundred pills of different shapes and sizes and colors.

Did I mention I remember waking up at 2:30? I go to pick up DD and she asks me what my text was about last night. I don't remember sending her anything. In both our phones, a message from me to her, was me talking to her saying I don't think I'm going to make it and it was my every thought from the dream when I was watching myself die on the ground. I text my mom freaking out and she's not a fan of DD. She thinks DD is destroying me. I wish I could correct her and tell her it's everyday life and food that's breaking me to pieces. I tell her it's constant nightmares that I've let myself deal with in silence because there's nothing that can be done about them and they make me feel like giving up. ... They are beginning to control my life again. They're literally eating me from the inside out.
My mom tells me I will be taking herbal mood stabilizers from now on. 3 a day, everyday. And this Sunday, I have to go to a counselor with her. I wouldn't mind so much going if she didn't have to be there. I wouldn't mind exposing every word I've put in this blog if my mom didn't have to be there. I would want to talk about everything and focus on getting better if my mom didn't have to be there. What the fuck?! I've been without her before. Why do I need her now? I don't. I'm furious with her that she's tagging along. I won't say a word. She's a vicious person and opening the first page to my current thoughts to her would make her want to jump across the room and strangle me. Anger raging through my entire body.

DD gave me one of her ADD pills today but it was harder than ever to focus. It's not one of the normal ones she gives me. But it made my day interesting because I felt like I was young again. I didn't care about anything and just enjoyed myself. Exactly what I needed. I wasn't a zombie but I feel like I was in the heavens all day. Away.

After school I tried to get my friends to buy me Sudafed. No one wanted to buy them because they thought they were supporting Meth habits. ...I only want them because they take the hunger away and give me such an awkward sinus pressure that when the darkness consumes, somehow I still manage to keep my feet on the ground. Only once were they unfaithful.
Then me and DD went to her house, mapped out her Vyvanse to make sure we planned it out just right so she wouldn't run out before she had her prescription refilled. Then - we fell asleep. So angry! What if my nightmares captured me? Woke up and it was dark. I went home.
As soon as I walk in my mom starts lecturing me about the pills she got me to "not be depressed" anymore and gets more and more angry as she talks. I sneak away as she's lecturing and cooking. She barely notices. - Hey Mom, if you're going to tell me how much you love having me at home with you and how much more time you want to spend with me, try noticing when I leave the room. Anger and sadness rush in.

I go upstairs and as I'm changing clothes and getting ready for tomorrow, the boyfriend calls. Exactly what I need. We talk about simple nothings giggling and enjoying each other's voice. We get into the topic of how I've been keeping him in the darkness. I had planned to offer him the option of reading this on Christmas. But, he didn't want to wait. I was hesitant. Copy, Paste, Send. Irregular heart beats begin to break my ribcage. He hangs up to read my last post and calls me back. Fear tightly grasping every sensitive part of my body tying my insides in knots.
He lays down the "I'm sorry"'s and "I love you"'s mixed with the typical "I'm scared" and "I'm in this for good" somewhere in between the "I'm a burden" "No you're not" "I don't want to bring you into this part of my life" "Don't leave me"
We cry and cry and I think I could hear his heart stop, crack, and start back up again. Mine stopped beating completely. I died for the hour we talked back and forth at each other about this. He's scared I'm going to hit another mountain in my life and I'm going to break and he'll never see me again. As long as he's still here, as long as I have a list of reasons for 'Why not?' - I couldn't. I won't. I can't. I will keep fighting.

I need to figure out who I am again.
I need to go to Zombieland.
I need to find myself.

Remembering Morgan.
She had eyes made to light up the world.
Her smile made a roomful of hearts happy.
She didn't cut herself.
Her confidence existed.
She believed in herself.
Her goal everyday was to improve someone else's.
She was happy and didn't have to think about why.
Her pill intake wasn't through the roof.
She didn't have to debate every night whether or not she had any strength left over for the next day.

Her biggest struggles were still eating and nightmares.
But she knew what she wanted and who she was.

Knowing the Zombie:
Something inside has to fight her not to slice open her skin every night.
She has to be extra careful not to keep the sleeping pills too close at night.
The only way she can stop herself from crying when she starts, is to sleep.
A darkness will come and she welcomes it with open arms.
Life is but a word, empty and stupid.
Finds innocent souls to harm and feed on, mostly Morgan.

This zombie has got to go. I need to be Morgan.
But I feel like my food and weight obsessions are taking over and may be what's letting this zombie live inside me and eat me away.

I hope Zombie left a little bit of Morgan somewhere.
The family that lives in her house, her friends, ana-buddies, and boyfriend need her back.

<3 Death is consuming, far too close.
The zombie and the girl don't know what to do.
Finally numb, and it's worse than being in pain.