Deathbed

I'm a little worried. I'm looking forward to this doctor appointment.

- My heart, the actual organ, keeps suddenly feeling like it got stunned
- I'm wobbling when I stand, if I get the energy to
- The whole left side of my head feels like hammers were taken to it for hours
- I'm on fire, even outside with just a jacket on, 40 degrees fahrenheit
This can't be right. I ate yesterday. Almost normally. Only purged twice and didn't eat after 4. Yes I took laxatives. No I didn't take water pills. Why is death consuming me. Have not even gotten out of bed yet. Not normal. Not okay. Well, I got up to pee and weigh so I can balance the next time I eat. I'm not gaining any weight. 133 still! No complaints. Just confusion. Could tell why I feel like shit.
Food is my death. I assume it's why I'm on my deathbed right now. Crying. I want to know what's happening to me. I'm scaredscaredscared. What if my heart is giving out? I haven't taken my vitamins in two days. I don't have the energy to.

If I could scream right now, I would. If someone was home to take me to the doctor, I'd make them. If I had the control to right now, I'd stop crying. Fear has his hands so tight around my throat I don't feel like trying to breathe. Sadly, truly, if a doctor told me everything that was wrong and gave me an exact date to be laid in the grave, I'm not sure I could change. I'm not saying I won't try or that I won't change at all, I just don't know if it could happen. I know what I'm doing. I know it's on its way to killing me. I know that changing it would be the hardest thing I'll ever do in my life. I've become so good at this. No one would ever suspect this came so naturally to me.

Last night the boyfriend and I opened our gifts from each other. Very much so in love. I got my wish - I got to live in love before I died. Hands down, death feels like it's coming. If my wretched curse did take my life, my soul would live on in him. As well as others, but I'm so proud of him. Of us. Couldn't be happier he's a part of my life. ...Breaks my heart that what I do secretly, subtly, destroys him inside. I wish I could fully express what he is to me. He gives me so much hope. He makes me believe in myself. He restores my happiness. As scared as I am to let so much of myself belong to someone so deeply, I feel like he'd be the one to take care of me. If he hasn't run away yet, what could I do to make that happen? I'm a disaster, a broken mess - but he's here to pick me up, pick up all my pieces when need be. lovelovelove


<3 i'll stand on the edge as long as it holds me up
i've put aside the thought of taking the step