dude yeah

so i don't hate my mom. i'm just mad she's stalkin' me like a hawk now. but i got away to purge so maybe she's not so worried because she knows i'm eating, sorta. i have to show her i can eat whatever i want whenever i want. because honestly, i do. the only time i'm hungry is in class. at home i drink coffee and smoke and i'm not hungry. but i got lean cuisine meals i'm going to eat in front of her this week sometime to show her i'm a big girl and i can feed myself. i actually am dying to have one. chicken alfredo :D my fave.

so this week we're running in gym tomorrow and thursday (actually every week..) :) AND i'm riding tomorrow. AND I'M 139 AGAIN. i think i'm a steady 140. i should keep it this way til i have a physical because i know i'm getting one soon but i just love losing! i can't stop. or, i can't stop trying. and i love being empty. it's become a passion. the awkward silences in class when my stomach grumbles is kinda funny too :) ah but i should be careful because i can't have my mom bein' all "are you eating? .. okay well are you throwing up afterwards?" and then BAM i'm in a hospital for .. forever.

picture day tomorrow! ahhh. wearin' my new size 6 hot red jeans (they're actually kinda big but the 4's don't like to fit my hips...), 34C bra and one of my mom's cute little shirts :) kudos to myself for results.

so y'know how you may keep people around in your life just cuz you hate to get rid of them even if they're not exactly your favorite person? well i've noticed i've got rid of a few of those people. i'm not bothering to make new friends. if they wana be friends with me that bad, then fine. and i'll talk to people but nothing "let's hang out" worthy. i'm usually such a heart warming social butterfly. i'm now just a cute little butterfly. yes. cute, little butterfly. i know i'm adorable and i use it to get everything i want from people hahaha. i'm not a bitch or a slut when i use my cuteness, i just get people to do me stuff. lol, i'm so lazy :) i'll be like "awww... well, *bat eyes*will you do this for me? i mean *giggle* it would mean alot to me" hahahaha.

anywaysssss. i'm 139. have to show my mom i can eat. fasting til i have to do that..
stay strong girls <3

ihateyoumom.

so i was doing great :) great lesson, great lack of food..
then dinner. there's no fighting with my mom, so i was just freakin' furious. livid. i shoved everything in my mouth. all of it. barely chewed. i was so full! it was 3/4 water though. i drink alot between bites. makes it easier to purge. so yeah. my mom think's she's all smart watchin me and forcing me to eat.. i freakin' purged. yeah. near 'bout silently, too. i'm just amazing. i'm devious and evil. i took it all in and pushed it all out. happy mom? HAPPY!? I ATE. NOW IT'S IN THE TOILET. i'm not eatin' til this weekend and that's only if i'm forced. i'm so mad i just wana stop eating forever and waste away. she's all suspicious. i talk to her about how it makes me uncomfortable for people to worry about my weight and she thinks it's because i'm hiding something.

okay, so she's right on top of it. i'm mad because she's right. this week i'm going to use studying and cleaning and showers as an excuse not to eat. we're running tuesday and thursday in gym and i don't care how far or for how long. i'm not eating. i don't need it. all the calories i put in my body this weekend, i should be okay for a month. even though i only kept in about 15% of those calories.. and even then the laxatives put them away.. that's still enough to tie me over.

i hate food
i hate being forced to eat
i hate not being hungry

today i was starving and i thought that i needed food. i felt like i was going to faint because i was hungry and hot (bad combo). well i reminded myself how mad i would be if i wasn't hungry so then i was shock full of energy. screw food. who needs it?

i'm strong.
and you girls are too.
<3

soo... yesterday...

so yesterday i went shopping! :D me and my mom's bf went all out. i got like 7 pairs of size 4 & 6 jeans (some 4s fit perfect but my hips are too big :( .. ) and a few cute shirts. and like 7 34C bras. i used to be a 34D but with all the weight i lost, my boobs are drifting away too. which i don't mind one bit. oh, and like every pair of jeans i tried on i swear i left blood in because the cuts on my hip were so torn up after shopping. they're on their way to recovery now, they'll be disappearing by tomorrow.

i was also forced to eat 3 times. COME ON. family lunch at this great pizza place. i got spinach dip, and purged in a public restroom. no one was in there, but still.. it's like against my rules. and again at dinner. at first my mom was like "okay whatever don't eat" and then i was gona go take a shower and my mom and her bf teamed up on me to eat. wow, okay. so i ate and purged in the shower. then my friend came over and we were watching tv, she wanted snacks. seriously? she just had dinner at her house too. omg. so i munched with her. i have horrible acid reflex and a disfunctional flap in my stomach so little bits kept coming back up :) but i didn't purge... i took some stool softeners and about 5am this morning they started kicking in.

today i'm going to the barn and riding. i have a lesson. my sunday lessons are always hardcore so i better be 138 by the time i get home today. then i have to study hardcore for spanish and finish up some algebra 2, yayyy. ugh. i love math but i suck at algebra. i never really learned algebra 1 because my teacher was like "oh this is easy, figure it out"... yeah k.

anyways, yesterday sucked foodwise but shopping was fun. i can't freakin' believe i fit in those size 4 jeans... wow. i still see myself as a fat, gross, piece of crap. i should be a size 50 or something...


stay strong ladies.

139?! =D

139 :) hell to the yeahhh.

i'm going bra, pants, and make up shopping todayyy! and jackets? haha. i love jackets :) i like the multi colored ones and the hardcore ones.. ones with like a scene of a sunny day on the back. lol ok ok.
so i slit my hips last night. and i forgot when i went to the bathroom this morning and it hurt like crap ripping my shorts off. i'm not doing that anymore. sorry Ana, i'm not. it's not me and i'm better than that. you're good to me and i love you, but no. i have limits. i think the only reason i did it last night was because i really do wana see my bones. but i'll never cut deep enough to find them. because i don't want to.

some of you are concerned? please don't worry. i'm not ever gona cut again. i have limits, i'm standing by them. especially this one..

anyways, it's gona be hard to not be forced to eat today. i'll take a huge breakfast to my room and hide it.. but while i'm out i just know my mom's boyfriend is gona be like "OH LETS EAT! morgan, eat." ..well he does kinda 'think' that i always have super small portions so i could get away with nothing, maybe. i can say i'll have leftovers when i get home? i'll take laxatives with me in case i need them. and i can always purge. it's weird in public but desperate times call for desperate measures..

ps. I KNOW PURGING IS BAD AND WRONG AND DOESN'T REALLY LET YOU PAY FOR YOUR SINS but since 7th grade it's gotten more and more intense. it's just a thing. i protect my teeth but not much i can do about my insides. and i don't always use my fingers, i often just push in on my stomach and lean over and POOF i'm empty. i heard that the pushing in on the stomach is a hard-core bulimic thing..
i've realized i'm really 'extreme' with some things. and i don't try to be, it's just part of my stubborn personality. it comes with the package and you can't throw it away.

be stong ladiesss! <3
i'm trying to be careful. when i get worried is when you can get worried. cuz i know when something is about to go bad wrong and i won't even care to stop myself.

bloody nightmares.

so.. i was watching thinspos. i was about to go to bed and i needed to see something to encourage good dreams. i saw ribs, hip bones, collar bones, spines...
ana whispered something to me i just could not believe.
"go find your bones. cut open your skin and find your bones."
whoa, girl. i almost wanted to say no because i quit that years ago. but i did it. i broke apart a razr and cut my hips. i didn't find my bones, but the blood ran down my sides. 2 slits on the left and 1 on the right. great. if they're obvious, how do i explain that to the girls in the locker room in gym? hopefully no one stares at my hips, but you never know.
i guess i can use these scars to remind myself what my goals are.

goodnight beauties.
shopping tomorrow :D
stay strong <3

140!!

so i'm getting skinny and everyone is noticing.

obviously from this post title, 140 is here. she's here and she's leaving shortly. with my wicked fasts, working out in gym, and riding in between, i'll be 135 in no time. when i looked at the scale i wasn't ecstatic but my eyes did bug out. 140 was a short term goal. in the long run, i just want beauty and bones to be screaming to get out. i'm getting there. 4 more lbs til i meet my mom. i have to wear my mom's pants cuz mine eat me alive they're so big :) i get to go shopping soon though. and my boobs got smaller. thank god. since 8th grade i've been thinking about a breast reduction surgery (no i'd prolly never get it done) but now i don't need it. Ana's taking care of that for me. she's so good to me. she let me be social today. it was nice to talk my lunch time away. not that i was hungry or anything..
ps. no food today. i'm tryin' to not eat til maybe wednesday next week if i'm weak after runnin a mile on tuesday in gym (cuz i know we will.. ugh)

so today i peed.. well i peed A LOT. for a long time. yall know how that is, right? it's like it never ends.. anyways! as i was peeing, i FELT myself shrinking. it felt so good to literally feel and see the progress.

i'm dying to get out of these 140's! ana help me <3

be strong ladies :)

oh my lanta. um, wow much?

so i ate. like, I ATE. alot. too much. but i purged. (i know, it's bad) and i got pretty much everything up because i got to the acid which is nastyyyyyy. anyways, i was 142 yesterday. and 142 when i went to the doctor today (i may have a urinary infection? idk..) and after i ate and had a few smokes, omg i was still 142? :) food was still a sin but it was life and an exit from the hospital ahead of time.. but still a sin. as well as purging. but 142 is 135 in the future.
135 is not my ultimate goal, but for now that's what i'm working on. and no set dates. i'd kill myself if i put these numbers on a calendar. anyways, i don't plan to eat again til next week. even if i'm dying on thursday when i'm runnin another mile in gym. :) strong.

i wana be the skinny! i will be skinny!
and the numbers will not determine that. even if i have to get to 10lbs, i'll be skinny
even though my mom says i'll never be a bean pole... whatever. i mean, the way my body is and how strong it'll prolly always be, she may be right but i'll be skinny. skinnier than her. and she's 136. tomorrow i better be 140 or less. hopefully

wow for fasting, and then eating, my weight is just in stand still or i'm burning so much in gym

be strong ladies :) <3

soo, new plan.

so i hate to let you guys down if that's what i'm doing, but i have to eat. i lost too much too fast andin gym we run at least a mile every tuesday AND thursday. i'm going to change the plans. i'm gona eat once a week if i really need it. and i do, today. i love that i was dizzy and weak today but not while i was running a mile. i sprinted half of it and jog/walked the rest. i weeze when i run and if i hear myself (not listening to music like i have to), i hypervenelate. and with nothing in my system at all, i'll faint and be sent to a hospital, and later sent to a mental hospital for ana.
..i'm doing this so i can stay out of a hospital and stay on my feet.

i hope i still encourage you girls. to be honest, i'm not even hungry.
what i do eat though, i will purge (that's just how i am. it's become a sin not to)
and i'll take laxatives.

i'm not gona risk gaining weight though. :) stayin' skinny!
ps. today i couldnt hit the scale but i'm pretty damn sure i'm 140. 146 3 days ago..
miracle, eh? :D

be storong ladies =]
love you all!

day 2, post 2.

so tonight i felt like i was going to faint and i couldn't get cold fast enough. i got really hot with an empty stomach which ultimately feels like i'm dying. so i got 3 crackers and took them to my room. i put them in my mouth and just spit them out. i felt amazing. i couldn't beleive i felt like i was dying and those 3 crackers were life or death.. and i just spit them out! so i did that with other foods i planed to make disappear for "dinner". english muffin w/ bologna and cheese, cookies, tiny dougnuts, chips.. i chewed (made certain i did not swallow!!), spit out, repeat, wash out mouth with water, repeat all steps. i don't know if i seeped any calories in but i didn't eat, well technechally i didn't swallow. and it was almost torture. i got colder and colder so i felt better and didn't need it but it surely made my mouth sore.
then i took a hot bath and felt the need for food to live again and now i'm working on being cold before bed so i can cuddle with my cat and fall into an empty, dark land where it just stops for a little while. sleeping, being unconsious, is my home. i feel best even though i don't feel anything at all and it holds me in some form of sanity.

so i can almost say Ana (or MiAna i could say, on account of my sinful purging skills) is my only friend. i have my school bff from last year and my bitch-friend (who is now less of a bitch). at lunch i sit with some kids and chat.. talk to cute boys and have fun sorta.. and i almost hate being with people now. Ana has me wrapped around her little finger. she won't let food in me or have friends. i guess she does it for my own good.
IT COULD ALSO BE that i'm hitting another stage of greif. my baby boy (my horse) just passed away... about 2 months ago.. and i STILL say goodnight to him every single night before i fall asleep. sometimes even before naps. i still cry myself to sleep. idk if it's the death or Ana changing me but i hope it changes or stops. i miss being a cute little sweetheart that everyone loved to be with and just giggled her head off at anything because happiness over powered her and there was no other way to get it out.

anyways, i'm not gona be doing the 'chewing and spitting' routine often. only when i think i'm dying. i'm safe, don't worry. it's only when i get hot i get that way. and i want no one to be jealous of my will power. it's both a blessing and a sin. i can do anything. i'm stubborn. i'd go to the limit and get myself killed with what i could make myself do. but i know the limits and i know how far i need to stay away form them.

be strong beauties :)
love you all. thanks for the encouragement.
i hope I am an enouragement <3

day 2!

so i lost 6 lbs last night! i'm back to 142 :) hell yeah. and that number didn't let me know it was okay to have 50 calories. that number told me to keep going!

so the fast is going fabulous. i guess i'm pretty motivated. but i don't think about food now. at all. even when i smell the fungus they call food in the school cafe. i don't have to tell myself no. i make food when i get home and flush it and i don't even smell it. maybe it's just easier now. i mean when i get home i have at least 2 cups of coffee and "too many" cigarettes because school is just too dang long lol. i try to keep myself awake. and i'm not all that weak. just in the morning. i just need to get some blood running to feel okay. no awesome light headed-ness yet though.
ps. i've gone like 20 days w/o food.. and fainted in school. but i wasn't drinking water or coffee or smoking or poppin' mints like i am now. this really seems to take the hunger and side effects away. i always have SOMETHING in me.

for those of you who think this may be too long or dangerous, it is to an extent. i'm not exercising though. cept for my one gym class but it's just a gym class.. we don't run til we drop like i would if i was on my own. and don't worry, i won't change my mind and work my brains out. it's too hot for me to leave the house and i hypervenelate on the treadmill cuz i'm not moving. and fasting is actually used as a way to cleanse the body and heal. it can heal your insides, you body will sort of "eat" things away, shit i don't remember all the facts of what it takes away but i remember reading about it and being like "oh that would help me". and i have tendonitis.. ha, i hope my body doesn't eat my tendons but maybe it could help. idk.

so my dream boy i see everyday in school now.. he won't STFU about my weight loss. everytime he sees me it's all "omg you're skinny" or "damn girl you thin" blah blah blah. it's reassuring but annoyingggg. it's okay. i let him. he's beautiful. :) lol

i hope i can motivate some of you girls :)
i don't recommend the long fasts like i'm about to get into now that school's here, but.. just work hard.
i can do it, you can do it.
stay strong ladies :)

OH almost forgot. my ribs, spine, hip, and shoulder bones are trying to escape my skinnn. my hips bones hold up my pants. woot. i'm gona start hiding my body soon. when it's less hot outside. i'm so off the hook it's not even funny.

oh yeah. day 1

so no one is here to force me to cook or eat tonight. i've decided to fast for 15 days :D hell yeah
and at school people were like "oh my! you lost weight!" and i have first period in gym but my class combines with another for sports which has my dream boy in it. ...lame school girl crush for a whole year and he's still interested, i think :) he even said i look smaller. yayy! oh and my mom finally gave me permission to rade her closet. ha. sweet. her clothes make me look smaller but i think i'm gona wear my jeans tomorrow cuz our school is so damn cold! omg! it's like winter in there.

anyways, wish me luck, i'll keep you posted. i'm gona be busy doing alot of sleeping and smoking when i get home for at least a week or two. i'm not used to this. sleepoholics need to sleep, lol. i had to have coffee when i got home to not fall over hehe.

love you girls, thanks for the sweet comments :)

no. no no no.

i was going so well! i didn't even tant to eat and my mom asked me to make dinner so i was like okay? and i made that chicken dip and she made me eat with her and her boyfriend. so i ate enough so that when i purged it would explode out of me, and .. i purged. it's hard to get chicken up... wow. ow. laxatives. oh god. why?

no food the rest of the week. no allowed. i'm ruined :(

back to school!

what do you think of my size 4 jeans and MEDIUM little peoples shirts? my "first day of school" outfit :)

...all of the above came from my mother's closet lol. she dresses like me :D it's cute lol

whoa... like whoa.. =O

oh my god.
146lbs.
still fit in size 4 jeans.

i wasn't gona look at the scale til tomorrow but. wow. i only gained 2 lbs?! after all i ate?! whoaaaaa. :) so i'm totally fasting to get back to 143. then 140. then 135. :)

strongggg.

so today is a new day with an ugly number, i just don't know what it is . i'm not looking at the scale 'til tomorrow after school. and by then my pretty pink insides will be pure and empty of anything.

i AM fsting today. i WILL fast tomorrow.

i'm not looking at the scale 'til tomorrow. i'm not allowing myself to until i fast for a whole freakin' day. and that day will be today! i'm devoted and commited to this. and i'm totally in the clear, no one is suspecting anything except my brothers friend... but that doesn't matter.. so i'm safe to do anything. i'm safe to run 7678 miles and not eating dinner for 3 days. and my mom won't be home for a few days so she can't say anything.. and her boyfriend is working like every night she's gone.. everything is all layed out for me.

well i'm back. for good. continuous blogging :) and commenting! i need to catch up on all you strong ladies.

oh, today..
i have to HARDCORE clean the house lol. thank god, it'll keep me busy. and if i speed through that i can always hit the treadmill. or i can run in peace because the sun's not out today :) i also have to clean MY room and take care of my kitty :) my precious. i got her a bunch of kitty stuff lol. a prettier collar, a charm that says "PRECIOUS" (awwww), and special allergenic shampoo because i'm allergic to her and when i'm sick she likes to make me stop breathing with her dander in my face lol. ..yeah. and i need a lot of sleep and i have to ice my body. tendonitis sucks. so yeah, just no food :) busy busy.

i'll let y'all know how strong i was :) i know i will be

ew ew eww.

hey! so my fasting failed. it's like everytime i'm at my bitch-friend's house.. the food has to go inside me. ugh. and i'm not touching the scale til.. maybe tomorrow. i'm gona go to bed hungry though

wow. i'm furious. i hate my life. i'm disgusting. kill me.

i need to be beautiful for school! which starts in 2 days... :/

boo you whore.

hey guys! camp's over! and my body wants to give up and be burried. yayyy...

anyways, laxatives have torn apart my insides, away with those! ughh ow much? i'm at 145, or i was yesterday with a bunch of food inside me. the laxatives did their dirty work and i should be lower but i'ma try not to weigh myself til tomorrow morning. i;m sick, gross, hot, and sore. i'm just fasting til school starts. tuesday. then i get to ride again and i'll drop like a sac of potatoes! so tuesday .. or wednesday morning/night i shoulddddddd be around my little 140 self again.

so my bitch-friend is over for the weekend cuz my parents aren't home. last night we had a bunch of boys over. like 5 boys and us 2 girls. ..you could say it was fun :D but being with her makes it hard to not eat. her and food is like ..ugh. she always has to be eating. ...i gota be strong.
i'm flushing all our decent food. well, some. to make her think i ate. gota have something to dispose of when my parents get back so they think i ate.

oh i made this AMAZING chicken dip stuff lol. i'd love to let yall know how to make it BUT .. that could cause damage. if you really want it for a special planned binge or a 'normal day of eating', then e-mail me. it's simple and just flat out fabulous!

today - tuesday. fasting. if i break this fast, i am dirty trash. i need to look good for school. make everyone jealous. i wana make everyone go, "oh my gosh! you lost weight!"

i'm gross. i'm nasty.
i'm fasting. i'm strong.
:(

ugh.. come on!

so i promise to get back to regular blogging and details on stuff saturday.. but i don't have the time or energy to do that this week so here...

yesterday (wednesday) - kind of weak. purged. laxatives.
today - couldn't help myself. purged. laxatives.
tomorrow - OH SWEET JESUS I NEED TO STOP EATING

i think my problem is being around people and food at the same time. it's all just there and perfect. but when i'm home alone or on my own somewhere like at school i'm fine. starting tuesday i could go weeks without eating. school helps.
i'm scared to weigh myself. but i did eventually get to 141 :) oh and i did have grilled cheese.

anyways, i just woke from a nap. my knees, ankles, and butt hurts like SHIT. camp is killing me. tomorrow is gona be the hardest. OH i get my hair died again :D bright ass red in the back. hell yeah. i kinda can't wait for school to start. easier to stop eating andd i like making myself pretty. i give up during the summer lol, no reason to put make up on if the only place i go to is the barn and my bed.

anyways, wish me luck for tomorrow and i'll totally be back to blogging like a true blogger saturday or sunday. i think i'm gona sleep all saturday. my body hurts so bad.

be strong.
love you girls :)

lots to tell.

sorry i haven't posted in a bit.. i been at horsey camp. don't hate me.

sunday: fasted super awesomely.
monday: got home, think i ate something? and don't remember.. didn't gain.
tuesday: grilled cheese @ little bag of chips :( but got sick from the sun anyway... :) and took laxatives just for safety

just to keep yall posted.

OH and my brother left today for maryland. his new home. but before he left.. i knew he noticed my weight loss and seemed concerned but didn't say anything to me about it. he told his bff. who told my mom. big brother thinks i'm bulimic. hahahahah! he's kind of almost right. in a way. and my mom told him there's nothing to worry about :) OH MY GOD if i didn't smoke and if my mom didn't know about it then i'd be so screwed! so smoking is kind of keeping my mom from sending me to an Ana Hospital to live in forever. sweeeeeeet.

alls well. NOT WEIGHING MYSELF TIL FRIDAY. ahh i'm anxious. dyinggg to know how little that number must be. my bones are more and more visible everyday! and whatever i've eaten this week.. i'm not so concerned cuz i'm burning so much of it off at horse camp. it's almost like food isn't a sin this week. almost. it is.. but it doesn't show as much.

yay for visible ribs, hip, chest, and shoulder bones! :)

stay strong my beauties.
i should be back to normal posting&commenting this weekend or next week.
miss & love yall :)

ok, great news!

first things first, i'm freaking 142.2 WITH my clothes on. i usually weigh myself naked... so i might be more like 142 on the dot. :)

okay and - (starts off bad, gets better)...
my riding trainer has noticed my weight loss and she's "concerned". she told me she thinks i stopped eating like a month ago. (wrong) She also said i'm gona start losing my boobs. i don't mind because they're always in the way anyways lol. so my mom talked to me about my weight too. and she told me that she also talked to my trainer. she told me that she told my trainer that i'm getting skinny because i drink so much coffee, smoke, and sleep.. and my appetite is just crap now because of it and i like to be active and fit. and i was kinda big a few years back and i just don't wana be like that anymore. so everyone's off my back!
but at camp i'm going to have to pretend to eat so my trainer doesn't say more crap and talk to my mom.. ugh. or i'll just hide food.. or say i feel sick. which is common. my stomach is always turning into knots.

so yeah. i made it to 142 like i wanted. and after camp ALL THIS WEEK.. i just might be down to near 135. i'll reward myself with a little grilled cheese then :) yay!

thanks for your support, i prolly won't blog again til later this week. i'll try to keep you guys posted :)

thank you
love you
stay strong!
:D

activity: ran 2 miles. (took a few walking breaks)
food: no more than 60cal.

um, later i might do some crunches? if i'm not 142 tomorrow, i'm going to cryyyyyyy. i weighed myself today, 143 on the dot.

after my run today, i took a nap and when i woke up, my whole body hurt. and y'know the dizziness you get when you're really hungry? well i had that times like 9876546789! then i drank some water, i was a little better. i think the 4 cups of coffee i had this morning drained me completely.

anyway, i was gona try to fast.. but.. idk. it's not that i was weak.. i think i'm going to the barn tomorrow so i need some sort of something in me even if it's all gona be gone by morning?.. lol.

OH i think i'm going to advanced horse camp next week. might not be bloggin' much. past tomorrow. i'm gona HARDCORE fast after tomorrow for sure. i'll do my best for tomorrow but for sure starting monday.

oh, ps. size 4?

OH one more thing.. I tried my mom's SIZE 4 jeans on yesterday..
they fit.

k my hips are a little wide.. BUT HOLY SHIT, REALLY!?! size 4? :)
my goal as of right now is to fit into them. the right way. make my hips disappear. let my beautiful hip bones under there show.

ugh today. FAT

I wana say sorry for not really getting around to comment on alot of you guys' blogs. I do get the time to blog but as for anything beyond that, I usually close my computer and fall asleep. I know, I sleep "too much".. and I don't know if it's a condition or not. I know it's not epilepsy or whatever.. 'cause I hardley sleep at night.
And I wana say THANK YOU to all my new follorwes, yay! :D To be honest, I never thought I'd have so many people interested.

Anyway, I don't think I'm weighing myself today. First of all, because I feel fat this morning. Second of all, my brother's boyfriend is in the room which my mother keeps the scale.. (not "boyfriend", they don't go out.. they're just BFF's and I just call him his boyfriend) I did okay yesterday. I had no more than 120cal. I ate.. 50cal of soup. dried apricot(10cal), cracker(11cal), bite of sliced peaches(like..4cal?), pickles(10cal), piece of chocolate :( (20cal) .. I think that's it. That was WAY too much for me. I shouldn't have treated myself like that to food. I want 140 worse than food. :/

Today ima try to fast. and if I'm weak, I'll keep it around 50cal. UGH
ps. yeah, that's me in the pic of my horse jumping :) (i don't share him, at all. idc if i'm selfish, but we're all each other have left.. plus he doesn't really like people. or other horses lol. he's the bully)

so..

today i've had a pickle and 50cal of this yummy soup i found, lol. i raded my pantry and OMG we have so many yummy soups! and such low calories! :) low cal yummyness makes me happyyy.

okay so this morning i was like 143.8 or whatever. i just woke up from my nap and felt.. smaller. I weighed in at 143.2, barely. the scale took a minute to decide 143.2 and 143 flat :) I think i can get to 142 by tomorrow morning. when i hit 140, i'm TOTALLY treating myself with grilled cheese.

i'm also pretty proud of myself, i've been kinda strong lately. i haven't binged or purged in days and haven't even had to touch the laxatives. which is fabulous because i was almost scared i'd depend on them for a little while..

SO some of you ask about the barn? hahaha alright sorry for not explaining. i have a horse and i'm a jumper. i'm tryin' to get into the big stuff. and recently one of my horses passed away, he was the bigger, stronger one who jumped higher.. so i'm kinda on break as far as intensity goes, but i still jump my other horse, who's a quarter horse btw. when i go to the barn i ride and take care of my horse, (his name is Romeo by the way :) i'll post a pic of him for yall), i'll bathe him and trim up his hair.. all the simple stuff.

this is Romeo :) this.. is the reason i go to "the barn" so much, or try to. and he's my #1 priority

143!

So last night I went downstairs looking for something to munch on.. I wanted to shove everything in my mouth! Not out of hunger, more so because everything just looked good. But I only had a cracker :) Then I did about 600 crunches before bed. Then another 200 in the middle of the night because I just happen to always wake up in the middle of the night. Yeah, annoying.

Guess what secret the scale told me today? 143. I knew I could do it. I just gota work twice as hard now and eat maybe half as much. I can get 140!

Anyways, I've had people telling me it's stupid to start smoking to lose weight. And .. I agree. But I started months ago, before my weight was a big concern. I don't remember how I did either.. but I wasn't with friends, I know that .. And all I said was I heard that smoking could boost the fat burning gene, idk if it does but "studies show" or whatever. I had planned on quitting about a month ago, then I took control of my weight and I'm using smoking to sort of stay away from food.

SO TODAY:
I think my friend's mom is taking us to the barn and we're going back to her place? :/ I'm living on the treadmill (as soon as everyone leaves the house) 'til I get picked up. If I get to 500cal before someone gets here I'll do as many crunches as I can.
..It's gonna be so hard to look away from food at her house. Especially since everytime I'm in front of her mom, I eat like a starving pig. But I want 140 worse than ever now. I can be strong. :)

great day... bad day...

So I'm going to the barn tomorrow, not to work. And I'm spending the night at my bitch-friend's house. The one who's house I ALWAYS pig out at... Yeah, that one. I'll be armed with laxatives, but I'll try to stick to pickles and jalapinos. Maybe crackers. I have to be 140. Sunday. I'm not letting good food suck me down. Omg I'ma have to be Superman strong.

Anyway, I had my pickles and jalapino dinner :) GOSH It's yummy and filling. I'll prolly do about a million crunches in the middle of the night. - Can't have my mom or brother walkin' in.. - Oh, I did have a taste of Kool-aid. 10cal tops.
My mom also made pizza. Guess what? I wanted it. I wanted to shove it all in my mouth and swallow hard! Guess what I did? I shoved it in my mouth. A big honkin' bite. Half a whole piece. ..Then I spit it out :) That's how strong I've been today. Yeah.

Prolly gona crash for a few hours. Smoke a few. Do a billion crunches. Barn tomorrow.
Wish me luck :( I'll let yall know how it went... ohhhh boy.

hell yeah!

SO I'M A LITTLE BIT KIND OF EXCITED -
So I woke up from my nap all hungry, stomach growling. I went downstairs looking for the lowest calorie snack I could. I was craving tomatoe sauce(omg yum, love it) which would have only been 35cal(?) per 1/4cup. eh, I can do better and I don't wana make my mom think I'm weird for eating sause, lol. So I saw pickles. I usually don't like them, I remember hating them when I was younger. 5cal per 2 pickles? Well... I had 3. That's 6.5cal of crunchy yumm-ness. :)

My total for the day has been 46.5cal. HELL YES!
I'll prolly stick to pickles &/or jalapinos for dinner. That would be no more than 70 calories today.
I'm fucking awesome.

I can do it, y'all can do it :)
STAY STRONG GIRLS, YOU CAN.

ps. if i'm not 143 tomorrow morning, i'm going to fucking hang myself and i'll see to it that it's all over the fucking news. i'm working this damn hard and starving myself, i fucking deserve 142! yeah. 142.

pps. k i won't do that, lol. but if i'm not 143, my life is over. i'll have lost all faith.

freaking fabulous

So I don't wana jinx anything, so I'm not judging how I've done today. One cracker thing from the peanut butter crackers pack thing? 30 cal. Few jalapinos. 5 cal (give or take). 400 cal burned on the treadmill. I hope to do some crunches eventually, but we'll see.


Still 144. :/





Tomorrow I plan to be 143.





I have recently learned that smoking could boost the fat burning gene in your body to burn faster. This info excites me, haha. And calcium helps too, but I'm not sure how or anything. I've started taking calcium to lose faster and smoking.. well that's the same haha. Like, 10 a day or so. And the jalapinos are to clean my insides and boost my metabolism :)





So I have this fabulous ana buddy I've failed to mention. We've been texting for a little bit now and I just want to say she's amazing. She just so happens to be heather[hunger] :) She's inspired me and kept me afoot during tough times. I wana throw out a public 'thank you' to her and let you all know she's just freaking awesome. We're also currently racing to get to a goal by Sunday. It's pretty intense, lol. We're gona do our best.





I think I'm gonna go do some crunches and take sleeping pills to nap and stay napping to avoid food. I might have jalapinos before bed but I'll try not to. They're practically harmless. ..'Cept if you can't handle the burnnn. haha :)





Stay stong, beauties!


We're all in this together <3

ps. I will get those hips.

and belly.

and thighs.

todayy..

So for all of you who commented saying jalapinos are stupid hot, I will agree, lol. I love them though! Very yummy, but hot. And worth it. but for them to take away hunger, it only worked for me, idk if it would work for everyone.. but it's worth a shot. And yeah, habaneros are hot shit too, hahaha. OH and for spicy food, water makes the burn worse. Milk products take it away, like milk or chocolate.

Anyways, all I've had today is a piece of toast with jalapinos :) and 2 slices of ham. That's like barely 100 calories. Damnit, I will meet 140. I need to work out more. I'll get there. I know it :)

want hunger away? i suggest...

SERIOUSLY. I SUGGEST JALAPINOS! like, omg. i had a few last night and my hunger has completely subsided! besides, it speeds up your metabolism :) and spicy food is good for the lining of your intestines. it's healthy and helps!

anyways, yeah. barn today. can't weigh myself this morning because my mom's in the house and i can't have her know. BUT I think i lost a pound? my hip bones are more visible! yayyy.

stay strong girls.
eat them jalapinos :)

shit. OW hahaha :)

So I had like a small handfull of jalapinos. Hahahahahah OWW! Hot shit! But so yummy. I love spicy food! That was like 8 calories so I'm safe for the crackers I'm currently eating. I'm having 4 instead of 3 because I freaking deserve it and I can get by with no food tomorrow. (like.. no more than 1150 calories today, I had to be real careful though 'cause I didn't work out at all) I got by today, tomorrow will be easier. Besides, I'm going to the barn. Plenty of burning going on there.

I want to thank everyone for their inspiration and support. I love you all. :)
Keep up the good work girls! :D

haha alright?

so my brother left me at home. no shock there, i've been left so many places, lol. i just had 45calories of corn flakes and i guess for dinner, i might have 3 crackers? that's under 100 calories. tomorrow i think i can fast completely. i think my period is gone? (it can never make up it's mind) so i'm still 144 but i'll see to it that the scale tells me 140 :) .. then 135. then 130. then 0! .. k not 0 but you get my point.

i'm not walking/running today. i'm staying in bed, mostly. i'm so tired becuase i can't sleep. not insomnia, my nightmares are waking me up. that's not normal 'cause i usually just sleep it out and move on, but they're so unbelievable now that it scares me and i'm waking up crying. it's not exactly the scary stuff waking me up, i've seen it all, but it's who's in them that gets me worked up.

ps. 'argument' last night. i was talking to my mom about this boy i like BUT I KNOW I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH SO I ONLY TALK TO HIM, BUT STILL LIKE HIM BUT THAT'S ALL.. and her boyfriend got all in my business and was furious 'cause he's like 4 years older than me and told my brother. didn't go well. alot of yelling. so i ignored it, walked away, and went to bed. yay... i hate boys. at least the ones in my house. ugh

1st off, thanks :)

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their kind words and support :) I really appreciate it.

So .. today is a new day. I'm starting off clean and pure. I just need to keep it that way. Tomorrow will be no problem, though.

My laxatives from last night STILL hurt but, whateves. It's worth it and I deserve to pay for my sins.

Today I am Clean. Pure. Empty.

OKAY SO

I ate mac and cheese. My immortal weakness. Thanks to my moms boyfriend... ugh. But I purged and took laxatives. Oh I had cheesecake too. ..Not that much but .. I'm weak :/

I'M FASTING TOMORROW AND WEDNESDAY. I'm so stupid hungry 'cause of my period. It's taking over me. Thank god I only get it every 3 months :)

Next stop.. 140. I will get there!

Work tomorrow. Fasting.
Barn Wednesday. Fasting.
... I can't plan past that. oh jeez.....

ehh. food..

So I've been good about food today. No more than 200 calories I think.. I went to work with my mom. I stayed busy. I got home and had a cheese stick though. At the office I had like 5 crackers. If I don't eat the rest of the day I'm good. I can so do it. No problem. And I'll work everything off tomorrow becuase I get to go to the barn :)

I can't eat tonight. I can't. I won't. I should go for a walk... ugh I dunno. I'm so lazy. And it's stupid hot outside! .. I might walk. I should.. Okay. I will.

...I'm gona sweat to death.

WOOOOOW!

So, some ana-God is watching over me, helping me out. I ate my house down last night and I'm still 144. Laxatives are one of god's greatest creations. :)

SO.. haha, today I actually can be strong. I miss being hungry. Worst thing about last night though was I wasn't even hungry. I just like food. Oh, adn I got so full, I just threw up. Haha, My stomach couldn't hold it all. And after I threw up about 10lbs of food, I was still really full. I can't do this anymore though.
Today I am strong. No problem. Today I have control. Easy.
Today I am going to my mom's office with my brother. Okay. Today I think I'm gona be forced to eat. Not cool.
I think I can use the "don't feel good" excuse. It's been about a week since I threw that one at my mom. And she knew I ate half the house. I'm so in the clear :)

HOLY CRAP I'm starting to like the number 144. But I'm moving out of it's safety house. I'm gonna meet it's neighbor, 143 :)

i'm ruined

I went to the barn today and rode hardcore. Then I went for like a half mile walk. Good work, but I got super over heated. Ow


Then I got home and my mom made some beef pastry thing for her boyfriend and me and my brother scorfed it all down! I had a ton of water in between each bite so I could dispose of it in the shower but it was hard to get it all up. I got most of it, I think. Then I took some laxatives. 2. And I had a piece of cheesecake.





I pray to god that was worth it because I worked so hard today and I just ruined it. I think I have to go to work with my mom tomorrow and she'll totally force me to eat. I've actually been a steady 144 today. I usually get back to 145 by night time if I'm 144 in the morning, just becuase my period and the scale are working together to ruin my life.





I love hunger! I want it back! I have control. But, I had to control my mom's thoughts about me eating like a normal person.

THIS IS WHERE I NEED TO BE!

I want those legs :(

I'm freaking BLESSED

So I'm 144 this morning. I don't get it. I must be blessed. I'm not complaining! Just saying.. doesn't make sense. It was prolly cuz of those laxatives (which I paid for @ 2am) and my crazy activeness yesterday. THANK GOD.

So I'm going to the barn today. Always good work :) and since I'm not obese today, I might not run cross country or jump. I'll prolly go on a run/walk to a pretty pond. I need to relax and running/walking helps me chill.

I think my mom's making special dinner tonight. OH COME ON! I don't really feel well right now and being in the sun today isn't the best 'cure' so I'll probablly stay in bed or the shower when she makes food. I don't want to eat today. At all. I think I can start losing tomorrow when my period dies. Then 3 more months of losing! :D

This is getting complicated. Going to my friend's house or going to work with my mom will be all "eat this, eat that". I need school to start. ..Ugh school...

the enemy is taking over

Party was nice. A boy I liked was there. Yum :)

Food @ party: few bites of this amazing chicken dip! .. and like 4 brownies. ..Enemy Food is taking over my mind.
..wow okay it seems like alot less when I type it but it feels like a crap ton! :(

Tomorrow I'm going to the barn. I have to walk to my horse which is like .. a long way lol. And when I'm done riding I plan to run the cross country course.. wow. K, so cross country for people and horses is different. For horses, it's more extreme. Everything is emphasized because they're just bigger and more powerful. Plus jumps. .. I jump horse jumps for fun lol it's just the hills and miles of the course that are going to kill me.

Tomorrow:
I am strong. I have control. I will say no. I will burn calories!

Should be back to losing in 2 days or so..? Next stop, 140.
..seems so far away

everything's workinnnn

All I've had is 3 crackers, a bite of cheese, and a bite of key lime pie. Because I deserved it. And I know I'm not going anywhere away from 145 so I'm just focusing on maintaining right now.

Party later. Don't wana go. Stupid bitch. Screw my life. But.. I get to leave early :) yayyyyyyyyy!

ps. hiding and throwing away food is keeping my mom off my ass, but her and her boyfriend are lost as to why I'm working out so much. Excuse: "haven't been to the barn as much so I need to do something to keep my legs alive" - perfect :)

I'm really making this work. As soon as my period decides to go away, back to losing. Right now, 145 and I'm okay with that.

OH, yeah I took that 3(or more) mile walk this morning. Felt goooooooood. like 700 calories right there! hell yeah.

better daysss.

So yesterday I walked off 400 calories on the treadmill and only ate not even a whole half of a piece of bread (30cal) and half a cheesestick? (?? cal). And I went to a Cheap Trick, Poison, and Def Leppard concert last night! YES! :) Something about 80's hair and a man in a cowboy hat that makes me all excited. lmao jk jk

So today I'm forced to go to a bitch's sweet 16. My bitch-friend. My mom won't let me not go... Anyways, there's going to be great foooood and all that nonsense.. But it's also a pool party so I plan on staying there most of the time. Great way to work out too, btw :) . Before I go I AM going to walk the 3(or more) mile stretch around the area my house is.. Run/walk. If my tendonitous isn't killing me after so much standing last night.

I been throwin' away food and feedin it to the dogs and our weird cat who eats everything (lol) to make it look like I'm eating alot. My mom is less concerned but I think she's dying to see me eat :( damnit. So at the party I might have to take laxatives orr.. throw away some food! Aint bought with my mama's money so I feel less bad :) So I'm sticking to my 'no food' policy and I'll tough this baby out! TIPS ARE ALWAYS HELPFUL THOUGH!

I feel the strength today. No even gonna bother to weigh myself though.

..Stupid period.

haha wow. discovery?

I think I know why I'm stuck at 145. It's 'cause I'm a girl. And I have a uterus. And I'm on my period. ..At least I can hope that's why. WOW. So I'm relieved. And not as mad at myself anymore. I'm not eating, like at all. And I'm working out. It has to be my period. Makes perfect sense.





So I'm going to continue to not eat and work out, at least a little. Makes me mad not getting results but it's still good for me. I just got done burning 200 calories and cleaning the whole house. (AGAIN) .. I think I'm going to my mom's office later today, may be forced to eat because we're going to a concert tonight and don't expect to get dinner.. But I can always lie or flush the food down the toilet, or hide it, or take laxatives. Laxatives are my last resort now. They hurt and I can't let myself rely on them.





Because of the way my birth control works, I should be back on track within a week or so. I feel like an idiot I didn't think of this sooner.. haha, wooow. I'm a little relieved. But mad I'm not losing weight and I'm a bit bloated. Ew

Staying strong. Thinking thin.

bitch yes

So all I've had today is 3 crackers. My mom nagged me about dinner so I took it upstairs when she wasn't looksing and I flushed it down the toilet. I had to make food disappear... And I took a bunch of snacks to my room to fool her boyfriend. No questions asked. Sweet. Probably working out tomorrow. Walking or something.. :)

I'm so proud. Today was a good day. I wana thank yall for your support and help. It means alot and I really appreciate it. Thanks :)

No food tomorrow. Or no more than 100 calories. This whole sleeping thing helps avoid food.

breaking points.

I have slept most of the day away. I cleaned the floors and dusted the house, too. I ate 3 crackers and I promise not to hate myself if I have 2 more. I weighed in at 144 today. I might go on a walk when people get home just so I don't have to deal with them..

WANA HEAR A SHORT STORY?!
Once upon last night, brother was hungry. Mother ate with boyfriend and got home late. Brother got pissed and left the house. Mother was disrespected because brother is a brat. Brother also messed up laundry so Mother had to fix it, more work she didn't have to do. Brother came back after about an hour. Mother and Brother faught more. Mother went to bed crying, Brother ate.
...The family is falling apart. Again.

I could kill my brother. He can disrespect me and leave me at the barn alone for hours, but he WILL NOT yell at my mom and storm out the house because she didn't make dinner plans.

..I'm not talking to my brother .. til.. whenever he decides to be respectful again.
This stress helps keep the hunger away..

So 2 things are broken.
The scale saying 145, and my family. ..yayyyyy
I'm doing okay today. Not good, just.. not bad.

i'm weak

k i had a bite of taters and half a yogurt. today - no more than 200 calories.
tomorrowww... lets try to stick with ZERO.

i'm weak. if i can make it through tomorrow.. i'll be a GOD.

seriously, someone fucking inspire me. i'm stick in 144-145 range.

succecss?

I was at the barn almost all day. Hard work. Got home late and all I've had is a piece of celery, and 3 crackers. Now I feel sick? woot! Ugh I'm so tired. Long ass day!

Working out tomorrow. Trying to keep away from the food. Maybe I'll walk the 3 mile walk around my house. (My house isn't that big.. there's just a 3 mile circle around it)

Laxatives hurt. Pretty bad. I'm VERY MUCH paying for my sins.

ahhh... successful day. so far...
if i munch even a LITTL tonight, off with my head.

GROSS.UNACCEPTABLE.GROSS.

This morning I am 145 point BULLSHIT. I had to do some munching last night in front of my mom and then I just left dirty dishes around the house so she'd get off my ass.
I'm going to the barn stupidearly this morning. I'm riding from 10am-11. The rest of the time, I'm runnin' 'round like a mad man! There's pretty ponds and stuff for me to 'enjoy a walk to' if anyone bothers to ask.

When I get home this afternoon, I get to clean up after my brother, yay. My mom thinks he's a saint cuz he never leaves dishes around.. NO. He only looks that way becuase I clean up after him and she recently discovered this, my brother is still the favorite child. Go figure.

I'm so effing disappointed in myself. I didn't have to have that sliver of cheesecake. I could have gotten by with just the dirty dishes layin' around. I AM NOT EATING TODAY. WHAT SO EVER.

OR TOMORROW.
Saturday, is a party.. I don't know if I'm going yet 'cause I hate the girl who it's for
and.. the rest if too far away for me to plan. Everything depends on what the scale says I can eat.

:)

So my mom forced me into dinner. Which little does she know, I disposed of in the shower. Genius. I did take laxatives though, in case. But I am NOT going back to 145 no matter what. I did have to eat something so my bowels aren't digesting themselves. I had a sliver of cheesecake. Now my mom wants to go to a famous little ice cream shop. OH COME ON! But I'm not going, well I might, and if I do I won't get anything.

I think I'm divorcing my bitch-friend. It seriously feels like dumping a boyfriend I still like but it's just not working or whatever. I don't think I've ever been through a friend dump. Hurts.

Anyways, BARN TOMORROW! from the crack of dawn til 1 or later. Perfection. I'll sleep for a little while, ride, sleep some more, go for a walk. BURN BABY BURN!

Oh - of course. I want to thank anyone and everyone who's helping or supporting me. I so appreciate it. Go ahead though, get mean. Yell at me. Tell me how gross I am, tell me how worthless cravings and food are.

I'm scared too look at the scale, but technechally I think I'm still at 144. I'll check tomorrow morning and tomorrow night. If not, back to the choping up body parts and being tossed down a sewer.

ugh WHATEVERR

So last night my friend was over. She kind of knows about my relationship with food. And I pray she's not stalking my blog now, because she said she might. Anyways, last night she ate so much. She kept shoving cheesecake and key lime pie in my face. I'm proud to say I didn't even lick it. I did have 3/4 a cup of popcorn though. That's not even 50 calories. I stayed under 500 like I planned. And.. I don't have to throw myself in a sewer. I'm 144 as of today. Not proud of the number, just glad I broke 145. Which means I'm about to drop 5 lbs out of the sky, I think. Last time I broke a weight I was stuck at, I dropped like no one's business.

I just got off the treadmill. 300 calories. All I've had today is 2 crackers. I plan on keeping it really low or nothing it all. I plan not to eat til Friday, but if I do, be reasonable. I'm NOT going back to 145. Laxatives are saving my life here.

Don't have to worry about going to the bitch-friend's house. She's a bitch, after all. Always changing plans without telling me. So just not going. Which is good, I always have to eat there 'cause her mom feeds me like an endless pit. ..I'm really sick of this bitch. I love her family, I just can't stand her. I should be a bitch and just not go to her sweet 16 this Saturday. :) No one's gonna show up anyways, it's going to suck. Why would I want to be there?

I think I'll sleep most of the day away or walk some more. Won't be too hard resisting today. Should cook some food and toss it anyway, can't have my brother asking questions.

...I feel like crap.

Not good. Not better. Nothing..

I love hunger. I love being empty. I love getting smaller and smaller. I hate seeing the same number on the scale.

I planned on not eating til tomorrow but.. I had 3 crackers and a slice of cheese. That's about 100 calories? or less. I got on the treadmill for half an hour. Burned 300 calories and then did about 50 crunches. That's alot considering I haven't napped in 2 days. I'm a sleep-a-holic. I need like 15 hours a day/night to function right. The only reason I was wasn't numb to my hunger was becuase I didn't sleep much last night. Sleep helps me get numb.

I'm staying at 145lbs but.. I'm actually happy. I was 153lbs earilier this summer, this is progress no matter how I look at it. But it's not good. Not better. There is no 'good' or 'better' til I see my ribs and my hips and thighs are no longer taking over the world. People are noticing, at least, that I'm shrinking.. a little. People at the barn say things like "Oh my! losing weight?" It lets me know I'm getting my job done. I'm getting closer to my goal.
I don't exactly have a goal weight. Just a goal in general. GET SMALL. I wana be beautiful. I wana be thin. I'm getting there.

I also stole more laxatives from my mom for weak moments. They're not crazy strong and empty your body completely like the good ones I took, but they help. But hey, help is help, right? I'll munch today, maybe. No more than 500 calories. (when I limit myself like this I always end up staying wayyyy below) I prolly won't have more than 2 more crackers and a bite of something yummy.

I feel good today. I'd work out more but I already showered and I'm on my way to doing the girl stuff like my nails and what not. I'm also cleaning my room. The cat hair in here all over my sheets is killing me now.

If I'm not 144 or less by tomorrow, I'm slicing up my body and throwing myself down a sewer.
...Shit. Might as well not eat til Wednesday.

hands.off.food

No food yesterday. No food today.

Thinking thin..

This is really hard, especially because there's delicious desserts in the fridge. Ooooh my. YUMMY! Must... Not.... Touch!

Inspire me. Help me.

I'll make this one short. - (sortaa)

Today, went to the barn. Didn't ride. Rian. Mud fight with friend.
Didn't go for 2+ mile walk. Couldn't say goodbye.
No food. Cigs and coffee.

I feel like giving up. Not on Ana, oh God no! She's my best friend. Just, give up in general. Today I just felt all .. 'no will' and stuff. Bummer days I guess.
I have a friend coming over tomorrow night. Yay. But.. she eats CONSTANTLY so I'll have to keep feeding her.. Not eating til Tuesday 'cause I'm fasting along with a pal. Oh, and I'm back down to 145 lbs! Not so exciting. I've seen the number before. Finally recovered from the stupid dinner last night though.

I'm riding Tuesday night so I'll burn alot. Then going to the bitch-friend's house for a few days, it's her b-dayyy. She always has awesome food! .. Oh help me. TIPS?! I seriously need a pal I can talk to constantly. the evil voice in my head is enough to scare me but not if I have my laxatives, which I always do, but I'm running low, can't steal too much from my mom at a time. My scary voice is always there, but I need someone else to tell me "you're gross. don't touch it!"

Prolly won't blog much 'til Thursday? Friday? Eh... other than tomorrowww.

May the Strength be with me. .. haha, I made myself giggle :)

Thinspiration

No food tomorrow.

This will be Me.

Fallen apart

I'm bawling as I type. -

The food killed me tonight. I really ate as little as possible, but my mom's damn bread is so effing killer! .. Only 4 pieces though. About, I guess. I kept eating little pieces at a time. Oh, and a mini bite of cheesecake. :(

Tomorrow, I have a mission. Let me start from the beginning.
My horse, Hot Pocket was is his name, passed away a month ago. I had him for about a year, not even, but he became like.. my child. I still have his brother (by mother, me), but we're both taking it hard at heart. He was my jumper; he was going to take me to the big competitions where there's million dollar purses and you win cars and stuff. Real big. There's 6-7 or whatever stages of greif. I have to accept, and have hope, at last. I'm still at the second stage, I'd give anything for him to be back. Bargaining is the second step. I would give half my body (not the fat part, like literally half, straight down the middle) to have him back. He was dangerous, and I knew that. He'd never do anything bad with me on purpose, but.. Well his mom nearly killed 4 people and his cousin KILLED A CHICKEN AND ATE IT. ..My mom tells me he got sick and had to "die" to "save me." Bullshit. I feel like I died, walking through the days wishing I was underground, not him.
It's ripping me apart that I'm holding on so tight to something I can't accept isn't here anymore. I'm walking to his grave to say goodbye with my other horse, Romeo. I can't go alone, and we both need to do this. He's ready, though I am not. I think I need to do this. How unhealth it is to push myself through greif, I'm unsure. But, I guess by tomorrow I'll find out.

The moment he passed, (I was there holding him when he had to get put down, in other words, get killed for my safety), I had to take control. Him leaving made me realize I wasn't calling anymore shots. Well, WRONG. I'm controling that I'm not eating. .. this turned into the weight issue again.


BACK TO FOOD TAKING OVER MY LIFE AGAIN -
I'm riding tomorrow, and walking about 2 miles or more, at a fast pace because my horse does and I'm taking him with me, so I should burn everything I ate tonight and then some...
Ooh.. I feel the laxative working. Owwwwwwwww. Always pay for your sins. .. Kill meeeeee. Hate fooddddd.

I need a constant ana buddy to talk to. Email, txt, message, SOMETHING.

Worts part's over, now.. kill me.

Dinner is over, food is still laying out, and I need to get back downstairs. BUT wanted to let you all know I was strong, sorta, not really. My mom makes the best bread! the topping or whatever is to die for! ... I had like 3 pieces? 4 bites of pasta, an the smallest sliver or Keyyy Limeee Pieeee.
I'm brushing my death to wash the sins from the inside of my mouth. My laxative better not fail. I'll die. I would take another to be safe, but I'm running low on safety here!

Help me. Kill me.
My life is over.

Ugh, please, any help? Tips?
I'm fighting back so many tears here. Food is evil.

Shhhhhhit!

I'm an evil genius. I really am.
I went to the barn today, hell yeah. It was hot as shit though, thank god. I hate the heat, but I get over heated so easily. :) This is the first time ever I'm glad that the sun ate me alive and the humidity sucked me dry. Perfect excuse for this dinner tonight. Walked in the house to my mom, cooking, and told her I felt like crap - too hot. She knows I get all "stuck in bed" when I get over heated. Can't eat or anything! ..But I do, however, have to go back to the barn tomorrow for a lesson. Gonna have to tough that out. I kinda did get over heated today. But, so worth it.

So for dinner, Mom also baked some KEY LIME PIES! She makes the best. No fair.
I'll take a laxative beforehand, sit through the dinner, munch on the real food, have a legit size amount of dessert.

BTW :) - Today I am 145.8 lbs. The barn sucks all the fat out of me.
Even if I do gain tonight, even a tiny bit, I'll work twice as much off tomorrow at the barn, again.
Riding is a lot more work than people give it credit to be.

Okay, I seem happy? Well, to an extent. But this dinner is my Immortal Enemy. Do you know how much is gonna be left over? Enough for Africa to get obese. After the first day of fasting, it's alwaysss easier from there. Well, my mom is practically a Class A cook. It's like jizz-in-your-pants good. Stupid.

That girl in my head tells me I'm a healthy, grownin' girl. I should stuff my face, endulge! Go ahead, you'll work it off tomorrow if you're worried..
She sounds so sweet. But the other voice tells me every wiff I get of food will only make my chances of going to Hell that much greater. I am disgusting and trash. Thin is clean, pure, good.
...The other girl scares the sweet girl away alot.