day 2, post 2.

so tonight i felt like i was going to faint and i couldn't get cold fast enough. i got really hot with an empty stomach which ultimately feels like i'm dying. so i got 3 crackers and took them to my room. i put them in my mouth and just spit them out. i felt amazing. i couldn't beleive i felt like i was dying and those 3 crackers were life or death.. and i just spit them out! so i did that with other foods i planed to make disappear for "dinner". english muffin w/ bologna and cheese, cookies, tiny dougnuts, chips.. i chewed (made certain i did not swallow!!), spit out, repeat, wash out mouth with water, repeat all steps. i don't know if i seeped any calories in but i didn't eat, well technechally i didn't swallow. and it was almost torture. i got colder and colder so i felt better and didn't need it but it surely made my mouth sore.
then i took a hot bath and felt the need for food to live again and now i'm working on being cold before bed so i can cuddle with my cat and fall into an empty, dark land where it just stops for a little while. sleeping, being unconsious, is my home. i feel best even though i don't feel anything at all and it holds me in some form of sanity.

so i can almost say Ana (or MiAna i could say, on account of my sinful purging skills) is my only friend. i have my school bff from last year and my bitch-friend (who is now less of a bitch). at lunch i sit with some kids and chat.. talk to cute boys and have fun sorta.. and i almost hate being with people now. Ana has me wrapped around her little finger. she won't let food in me or have friends. i guess she does it for my own good.
IT COULD ALSO BE that i'm hitting another stage of greif. my baby boy (my horse) just passed away... about 2 months ago.. and i STILL say goodnight to him every single night before i fall asleep. sometimes even before naps. i still cry myself to sleep. idk if it's the death or Ana changing me but i hope it changes or stops. i miss being a cute little sweetheart that everyone loved to be with and just giggled her head off at anything because happiness over powered her and there was no other way to get it out.

anyways, i'm not gona be doing the 'chewing and spitting' routine often. only when i think i'm dying. i'm safe, don't worry. it's only when i get hot i get that way. and i want no one to be jealous of my will power. it's both a blessing and a sin. i can do anything. i'm stubborn. i'd go to the limit and get myself killed with what i could make myself do. but i know the limits and i know how far i need to stay away form them.

be strong beauties :)
love you all. thanks for the encouragement.
i hope I am an enouragement <3