Fallen apart

I'm bawling as I type. -

The food killed me tonight. I really ate as little as possible, but my mom's damn bread is so effing killer! .. Only 4 pieces though. About, I guess. I kept eating little pieces at a time. Oh, and a mini bite of cheesecake. :(

Tomorrow, I have a mission. Let me start from the beginning.
My horse, Hot Pocket was is his name, passed away a month ago. I had him for about a year, not even, but he became like.. my child. I still have his brother (by mother, me), but we're both taking it hard at heart. He was my jumper; he was going to take me to the big competitions where there's million dollar purses and you win cars and stuff. Real big. There's 6-7 or whatever stages of greif. I have to accept, and have hope, at last. I'm still at the second stage, I'd give anything for him to be back. Bargaining is the second step. I would give half my body (not the fat part, like literally half, straight down the middle) to have him back. He was dangerous, and I knew that. He'd never do anything bad with me on purpose, but.. Well his mom nearly killed 4 people and his cousin KILLED A CHICKEN AND ATE IT. ..My mom tells me he got sick and had to "die" to "save me." Bullshit. I feel like I died, walking through the days wishing I was underground, not him.
It's ripping me apart that I'm holding on so tight to something I can't accept isn't here anymore. I'm walking to his grave to say goodbye with my other horse, Romeo. I can't go alone, and we both need to do this. He's ready, though I am not. I think I need to do this. How unhealth it is to push myself through greif, I'm unsure. But, I guess by tomorrow I'll find out.

The moment he passed, (I was there holding him when he had to get put down, in other words, get killed for my safety), I had to take control. Him leaving made me realize I wasn't calling anymore shots. Well, WRONG. I'm controling that I'm not eating. .. this turned into the weight issue again.


BACK TO FOOD TAKING OVER MY LIFE AGAIN -
I'm riding tomorrow, and walking about 2 miles or more, at a fast pace because my horse does and I'm taking him with me, so I should burn everything I ate tonight and then some...
Ooh.. I feel the laxative working. Owwwwwwwww. Always pay for your sins. .. Kill meeeeee. Hate fooddddd.

I need a constant ana buddy to talk to. Email, txt, message, SOMETHING.