Loveee.

High off ADD meds and Sudafed:

Super great, smile-filled day! Yes, exclamation point.
My desire for learning - as strong as ever.
My energy levels - through the roof.
My class productivity - exceeded 110%.
My body - eating itself surely.

Does anyone see? Can anyone see what I feel happening to my body? Anyone notice the little difference? I've lost and kept off at least 10 pounds since school started. Very ashamed of how much I let myself gain this summer. Maybe I'm genius at hiding my body. Perhaps people are just dumb. Maybe no one even notices me enough. No, I have too much self worth today to believe that. I must be genius. Maybe... no one looks close enough. Goodgoodgood.

0 bites. Success. Win. Score. I desire to see my numbers.
After school, there were rehearsals for the class play I take small part in. After rehearsals, there was food in the cafeteria. I promised the boyfriend a ride home, for he's in the play as well, but I couldn't even go near the food. I went to enjoy sweet, sweet nicotine while he ate.
How? How is it at all okay to be with someone you cherish so much, but you can't sit down with them while they eat, let alone join them eating? eateateat. It's not okay. I don't like it. Back when food was okay, I remember it being such a lovely thing being able to socialize and be with people while you all ate, laughed, and enjoyed yourselves. Happiness, smiles. I can force myself to accept having to eat like a normal human being when I'm forced out with the family or if I need to eat in front of someone to falsely prove I'm not starving myself. But I can't do that. I can't do that for my boyfriend. Anything to avoid food. Can't be near it, can't smell it. Can't. Awkward to lie and leave something so normal and accepted with the dumbest excuses.
How is my boyfriend okay with this? How doesn't this upset him like it upsets me? I wish I could share something like that with him. So badly. I hate that food is my immortal enemy. I don't understand how he knows what I do, how long it's been going on, and that it could very well be the death of me. I told him I'd have to wait in the car while he ate after rehearsals. Why did I feel disappointment coming from his eyes? Why does he say it's okay?
I think he just knows I can't be helped unless I want to help myself. He's accepting my defect and continuing to love me for who I am. In a way, it's saddening. But I'm very much so thankful. If I ever did seek help, I feel like he'd be the one to make me want to help myself the most. I've broken my family's hearts before; they all have special cracks just from mememe that break every time I let them down. That heartbreak sucks, but I've never hurt my boyfriend before, that I know of. I couldn't bare it.
I'm so young but I feel so sure of our relationship.

The days are falling closer and closer to Christmas.
Happy time of the year.
Why does every holiday have huge food occasions?
Death.

The last time my stomach grumbled at me was Monday.
For the past couple weeks, it's only been Mondays.

I felt like I was on top of the world today.
Happy, energetic, enthusiastic, empty.
I felt like a princess. Yes, a princess.
I felt like Love.

<3 live.love.empty.