Weekend Wars

Recall Casey walking out of my life?
Recall everyone thinking DD is the root of all evil?
Recall the zombie taking over Morgan?

So yesterday I cleaned the house because I like feeling accomplished, responsible. I ate because my brother shared with me. I took laxatives because purging is well on its way to cursing me with diabetes (I learned today). I purged anyways because I can't let myself keep food inside me. I smoked weed because the rents left the house and it was exactly what I needed.
Eating is getting harder and harder. Hunger feels better than it ever has. The darkness is my best friend. Without it, I don't know who I am.

So today was the big day. I had a session with my old therapist.
What I figured out:
- I lost myself under stress of school and chores
- DD never sucked the life out of me, she took up the time I had for myself after school which was all the kept me sane
- Casey's anger, frustration, and jealousy lead her mind to believe lieslieslies
And avoided my daily food struggles like the plague.
Basically it. But this is exactly what I needed to sit down and think about.
I feel better. I feel like me. I feel like Morgan.

Mom stopped by the place I had my session afterwards to see me. We talked. "Take the mood stabilizer" "no more fish oils" "your body is broken". A lot of random topics that shot my brain right back to hibernate. My mom claims that I wouldn't need the fish oils if I took the mood stabilizer because when I'm happy and feeling okay, school isn't hard. Hard to deny. We went into how my "old" eating habits - purging - have destroyed organ functions, sugar levels, and stomach acids/bacterials. This is all too realrealreal and undeniably frightening. A little bit depressing... She's sending me to a doctor to get everything inside me checked out. She suspects I occasionally fall back into those habits. Oh how she doesn't even know what goes on right in front of her face.. It breaks my heart that she just accepts that I'm suffering, and have been for years, from a mental disorder that makes everyday a bigger challenge than it ever should be and that I destroydestroydestroy my body because of it. It will be the death of me and both me and my mother know it... More so I than her.

After session and Mom talk, I went to see DD. I told her everything as we had our smoke time. I was texting Casey, telling her I want a session with her and DD. Within maybe half an hour, life was fixed via keyboard.

Life is coming together.

These past couple weeks have almost killed me. I've been pulled/torn/shattered/broke to the point where I couldn't even feel it anymore and sat back to let it happen. So dead inside I didn't fight for myself one bit. I let the wolves eat me day and night.
And now.
I found my light again. The zombie has been locked away. Morgan is here and alive.

I ate yesterday.
I've eaten today. (Only because I would have hit the ground because I had a panic attack after my session while I was talking to my mom.)
I hatehatehate it with a burning passion of a thousand universes.

Food makes me sad. Breaks my heart. Makes me hate myself.
Is it weird that it feels good I can say I hate myself now?
I can finally feel something. I know who I am. There's a light in my heart again.
Food turns it off...

<3 to skinny.
<3 to Morgan.
<3 to everyone who didn't give up on me when I did.