no one.

I just got home from school. I have too much to say, there will most certainly be more to be said later on tonight.

I wake up without remembering the terrors of the night before, thankful. I'm freezing, as always. I do my normal morning things with one task extra. I take the mood stabilizer against my better thinking. Wish I hadn't... I go pick up DD and I'm breaking as we have our morning smoke. VentVentVent. We go to school blah blah blah.
Twitter.
I tweeted, "I can't handle this. I can't handle myself." before the first class even starts. (It's morning, what do you expect?) Rough night, not enough sleep. Expecting a rough morning as it is. I get a text from Casey asking if I'm okay with a bunch of "too much DD" and I'm of course going to back her up. She's my friend too, and I love her. Casey rages and shuts me out of her life with a million bolts on the door back in. I shatter all over my first period. 8:00am and I'm already dead. I text my mom. Fightfightfight between me and Casey and my Mom and I'm breakingbreakingbreaking everywhere. From 8am 'til 12, I don't remember what I was doing, where I was, or what was happening. I felt like I was in a place I'd never been before and couldn't feel myself. I was a floating sack of bones and a broken chest cavity. I wasn't functioning in the brain or heart but I had been doing my work surprisingly, even did all my homework. What?
I started getting warm in my first period. This is odd because I'm always fully dressed in my coat and usually scarf if I have one. I always feel like I'm laying in ice. I got excessively hot in my second class. So hot I took my boots off. I didn't even care if the kid next to me saw my foot. I ask to go to the bathroom and I stand outside with my short sleeve t-shirt on and just stand. I got so hot I was shaking and thought I was going to be sick and pass out. Thank God it's winter and the cold is my ultimate cure. I managed through the rest of class with an extreme headache. Self medication works, down go 3 pretty little candies. The pain subsides.

In my third period, I see ana-buddy RaeRae and the boyfriend. I walk in, sit, do homework - alone with musical stylings to sort thoughts and blur the world. I felt like I was on Mars, no idea where I was really. From walls to faces, I didn't know what I was looking at. Raven comes over and I texted her shit was going down. We hug. She's busy doing things to prep for the class play we're about to preform. Workworkwork musicmusicmusic numb scared broken. The boyfriend shows up. He doesn't know my life just got destroyed. He asks what's wrong. I get maybe two words out and I breakshatterdie all over him. I crybawldrown for a couple minutes. I throw around "no more Casey" "why" "my mom blaming DD" "therapy?" in between sobs and broken breaths. He holds me and kisses my head. He heals my heart more than he'll ever know. He goes to another scene, I sob and continue listening to my music as I attempt to understand my homework as I come back to life. Someone asked if I was okay. I didn't want to eat them. I didn't yell. I barely made a noise. Their sympathypity softens my chest cavity a little bit. The boyfriend comes back, I break again as he unknowingly puts me back together. The never ending cycle.

This outbreak of volcanic eruptions in my life is exactly what he's scared of. This destroyed me to bits. I died. Death. Darkness. Had I not had some kind of out of body experience and knew what was going on through out the day, I would have picked myself up, driven away, and laid myself out to die. It would have been over.

Still crying at the end of class, our eyes meet and he gives me a questioning look. I ask him to join me for lunch and he's all for it. I need him. We sit and talk as I smoke and he eats. I'm so distraught, the smellsfoodchewing doesn't even make me uncomfortable. I pull my tears in long enough to spill the whole day to him. Casey. Mom. Everyone blaming DD. Feeling numb. The mood stabilizer. He is the first person of the day to make me crack a smile. A real one. Real happiness. Warmth inside me. I start to get cold. I can tell he's fixing me.

I go to my last class and tell my teacher I can't function, breathe, live through class. He's pretty cool, understands, and doesn't ask questions. I blast my headphones so loud to leave the world, I think I busted one. I hope not.. I couldn't tell. DD reads the texts from the day and criescriescries. Now we're both broken. But she saw I stood up for her and that was the only thing that kept her from losing it. We need each other. True love.

I recall having my counselors phone number, praying she gets texts. She does. I ask if she lets my mom know I don't want her at our session because she'd eat me alive and make sure she was there. I don't think she'll be coming. So much relief.

So only a portion of my day was miserable. The morning, mostly. The rest just painful. I am heartbroken, empty, broken, frustrated. What did I do differently this morning. The mood stabilizer. All Hell broke loose and I had no idea how to handle it and I didn't even feel anything after a certain point. Never been so broken and sad from my life blowing up. I blame the pill. I didn't take the mid-day dosage. I'll flush the night time swallows. Can't handle the sadness and radioactivity it brings. Can't let myself feel that way again.

Thank you:
Boyfriend
DD
Raven
For saving my life.

I talked about Morgan in third person today.
I've had enough. I will wake up myself again soon.
Not losing myself. Not losing the better parts of my life.
Not letting go this easy.

Family intervention happening tonight? I feel it happening.
While decorating the Christmas tree? Yes, because I am the reason we're that jacked up as a family.
Brother will not be joining. Thank goodness. He will be attending the AttackAttack! and Pierce The Veil concert I wanted to be at. I'm so in love with the screaming Mexicans. They saved the end of my day.

<3 All hopes going out to:
Not being sent off. (although, doubtful)
Finding myself
Putting my pieces back together
Believing.
Love.