2011.

Today was the perfect love I needed. I got to spend hours with the truest love of my life. Yeah, I took care of him. I even cleaned all my tack, which is a chore if anything. And I enjoyed it. And I got to ride. I jumped. I flew today. We sprouted wings that carried us farther than any human eye could see. Every time we're together and I take a breath, I fall in love all over again, even harder than the time before. We shared mints and kisses. We shared anger and frustration. We shared happiness and pain. Every bit of it was perfect.

Fuck coming home to an empty house.
Fuck my mom saying I don't give two shits about her or my stepdad.
Fuck not being able to get out of the house and enjoy the new year with friends.
Fuck being locked up with no alcohol.
Fuck being obese and scared shitless of my numbers.
Fuck all the mistakes behind me.
Fuck it all, I'm going to do at least one thing right in 2011.

2011.
I'm getting a cavity filled January 10th. I have a doctors appointment January 12th. Yeah, I ate today. But until after I go to the doctor, I'm done. DONEDONEDONE. Fasting has morphed it's way into being a passion. If I'm going to have chances to fail at life all of 2011, I'm at least going to starve right.

My birthday is in 4 days. Casey wants to take me out to dinner with her and both our boyfriends. No. I'm gonna try my hardest to avoidavoidavoid the evilevilevil. It's back to lame excuses to perfectly human events involving food. Back to the lies built on lieslieslies and more lies.

Yes, today's love adventures were beautiful and so full of happiness.
No, I'm not very happy right now. But I'm stable. No worries.. -__-
I'm fed up with food. I'm done failing. I'm done with the disappointment. I miss the emptiness. I miss the darkness pulling me to the ground. I miss daily functions being challenging. I miss starving. I miss shrinkingshrinkingshrinking. Small. Tiny. Too little. Scary thin. I want to have the superpower to disappear whenever the Hell I want to. I'm tired of purging. I'm tired of destroying the inside of my body because I hate that I put something inside when I clearly could have just said no.

My goal? My resolution? There's a few.
1. Improve at least one person's day every day.
2. Starve right.
3. Get a job. Make money. Become a pothead again.
4. Find my self worth, patch it up, and make it strong.
Because every single one of those things has to happen and I'll be perfectly happy.

<3 2011, please don't hurt as bad as 2010