inspire.

This morning, woken by the sounds of life in my house.
Took my stabilizer. Popped some water pills. Ate and anti-hunger candy.
Health drink followed by 2 small cups of coffee and half a glass of water.
My sins are washing out and I'm walking on the tips of my toes.
I'm afraid to see the damage I've done but I feel it seeping out.

Talking about "dinner" for my brother's birthday tomorrow, I requested a hotdog because steak and I aren't friends. Mom grunts and storms outside. Really? What did I do? Pretty sure she knows I'd rather not eat steak if I have a choice. If I'm forced to eat. If I can't escape. Steak destroys my stomach. Sorry...
I can't avoid brother's dinner. I might not be able to avoid my own birthday dinner treat. Fuck. Just fuck me. But with an anti-hunger candy doing the dirty work as we speak, I have faith for today. I feel pretty darn good about today. I feel happy today. I won't let food break my smile. Not the first day of the new year. I'm starting right.

I just cleaned the floors. Even got up all the coffee stains. I cleaned up the kitchen some, too. I feel accomplished. It looks fairly nice. A lot better than before. I did that. Me. I made use of myself to please my mom. And because I just like a clean house. But it matters more to me that it makes my mother happy. I love her, I do. I can't help doing things wrong. I can't help not being my brother. I can't help my flaws. But I'm going to do my best to put a smile on her face. No matter how much more she wishes I could be. I love my mom, I just want her to be happy. Breaks my heart I feel like I'm not enough for her.

I'm fucking high. Anti-hunger candy - thank you. I'll be touching the stars soon enough.

My parental units are going out today. Flea market, thanks. I will be making the very most of my time. I will be spending it green. Yeah. Pot head is on it's way to being very much alive.

I don't think my boyfriend likes it that I'm smoking weed again. He always gets kind of a disappointing sting in his voice when we talk about it. But I'm not going to keep anything from him. But honestly, life was so much better when I smoked on the daily. I was more productive. I had better grades consistently. I was happier. I suppose if I'm going to be a pot head living with a drug investigator and a sheriff, I have to be pretty perfect. I was almost there. Then I quit. Why? I became such a pot head I got too lazy to get high. Then I sold all my weed to my brother. Who still owes me money. But I have my stash again and it's back to business. What the doctor knows, they can't say shit about. Patient/doctor confidentiality thank youuu.

Off birth control for a few weeks because I made my appointment too late. It will be easier to resist cravings and lose weight. And my boobs are already shrinking. I hate having boobs. They just get in the way, I just wish they'd be smaller. I used to be a D cup. Now I'm makin' home at a C. Come on, little bit smaller. Just a tad.

Starting 2011.
I'm in love. I need it to stay that way. I can't think of any other way to live my life now. I'm going to find where the fuck my self worth went. I'm going to trap it inside. And I'm going to put all the pieces back together and make it stronger than ever before. I believe. I have faith. We can all thank my lovely boyfriend for picking me up from the floor when I was taken over by a zombie and all other times my heart decided it was okay to stop and break. He doesn't even have to do anything, he's just always there. Just seeing someone who doesn't want to give up on me is all I need. The perfect fix.

*Hey Hot Pocket-
You left before you could make us famous. I beat myself up everyday for what I did to you. I'm sorry I betrayed you so hard. Darling, you didn't get to make a name for us, but I for damn sure will make you big. I'll get somewhere one day and I'll put your name at the top of that list of how I got there. Another year without you, but another year to have the chance to do something great and I'm goin' all out for you, baby. iloveyou imissyou every second you're not here.

This year will be filled with mistakes, I'm sure. But every single one of them I won't regret. Every single wrong step I take, I won't back up from. I will turn around and look at what I've done. I'll look and I'll learn. I'll take every experience I get and make the best of it. I'm going to be optimistic. I'm going to be the old Morgan who's heart was brighter than the sun and a full moon. I'm sinking back into the Morgan that grew up with more challenges than anyone of those ages should go through, but was tough enough to face it and beat it.

I like my life. I enjoy it. I love dearly every single person in my life.
But I cannot deny that I wouldn't mind if my life was taken away from me.
Lemme explain:
I feel I've done some good and bad things in my life. The bad not being bad enough for death to be punishment, though. But I feel I've done alright for the time being. I believe that if my life was taken and given to another, I would be a spirit, a guide for someone who truly needs it. Another life to touch, help, pick back up. I live for other people's happiness. I see the world as such a dark, angry place with patches of light. I feel like I could be one of those lights and do more for the world, for the broken lives we don't see. I lived in Hell. Grew up in it. I know there needs to be light shown upon places like that. I just want the world to be a better, brighter, place to live in for the ones I love. I'd do everything in my power to improve as many hearts as I could.
But who am I to decide what's right for someone else's heart? /:
I just want to make everyone I can, happy.
Because I know how bad people can hurt, and I don't want anyone to feel it.

Happy New Year.
Make it good.

<3 where's the darkness.