i'm(barely)alive

I fell off the face of Blog World. I do apologize.
My computer has been dead. It committed suicide.
I'm going to make the stories short but make sure important parts are included.
Numbers: 130 & stuck. This is okay.
14 pounds underweight and I couldn't gain if I tried.
...Wednesday is about to be fun.

Monday:
I was only excited to go back to school to see people, mostly my boyfriend. And I was dying to get out of the house. Fairly okay day. A day of emptiness.

Tuesday:
17. Best fucking birthday of my life. Nothing really even happened that was that fabulous. Just a good day in general. Went to dinner with Casey and her boyfriend but purging does me well. +0lbs.

Wednesday:
I almost wish I could remember. 0 bites.

Thursday:
Sucked into dinner. Manwich whatthefuck. I hate that it tasted good because 1, food is evil and 2, meat doesn't really agree with my stomach anymore. Oh but in theater class.. I got people talkin' about how skinny I am? I'm not feeling it but I'm glad it's visible, at least to someone. That means it's actually happening and my eyes aren't lying to me. I don't even care about hiding it from my mom anymore...

Friday:
Food was more than okay, sadly. The meat had my stomach killing itself all day. Morning started fairly not good. So tired I think I slept with my eyes open. But, the day went on and I went through the motions. Food happened more than I wish. My colon's immunity to laxatives has increased which can let me assume it doesn't and probably won't work completely right for a long time. Pretty sure it's an important organ. More than sure it doesn't effect any of my decisions and if it breaks, stops working, and falls out of my body I wouldn't let it effect my pro-ana lifestyle at all.

New things I can't put in a timeline:
- I did a little bit of sketchy pro-ana business. I bought Phetremene. Fuck the reviews, it kills hunger like Al Kapone. I quite love it. The side effects are.. not horrible but floor/face contact is to be expected. Yeah, only taken it a few days and already had a faint spell. But I don't care..
- Getting my purging induced cavity filled Monday morning. Doctor appointment Wednesday after school. So this doctor appointment... I could go in, be honest about my entire life, not hide my weight one way or another, and completely ignore all the abnormal problems that could be red flags. ...Or I could Expose myself entirely and just ask a ton of questions and get a bunch of tests done... I still haven't decided.

So I started gauging my ears. Size 14 at the moment. I know, huge right? You could look right through it and it's rotting and completely ludicrous. It'll never go back to normal and my ears will be ruined forever. False. But my mom did flip a shit about it. So the lecture this time... was one to surely go in the books. There was so much "society doesn't accept..." and "I hate it. You look stupid, you can't get away with it..." that I couldn't breathe. My heart beatbeatpounded my ribcage until it forced liquids to trickle all down my face. And as always, I got the "why are you crying, I didn't say anything to upset you..." cutting into my wrists.
Mom: What do you feel like right now?
Me: I'll never be accepted because I'm not a 5'9 twig thin hanger for ugly clothes walking down a runway...
Mom: Where did that come from?
Me: *lieslieslies distraction*
I spelled it out in loud bold letters but she didn't mention anything else about my comment. I'm so glad that my dear mother can hate everything I do whether it's when I'm being my own individual or trying to fit in, and she'll stop them all 'cept the deadly one. I don't feel bad about a single thing I've done to upset her right now. I don't know how I should feel about anything relating her at all. She continues about how I know nothing about stress. Needless to say, I wanted to grab the closest sharp object and pierce every chamber of my heart - just to be sure it doesn't keep beating.


Confession?
I don't know if I've just accept death already, or if I ask for it everyday. I don't know if I'm looking for the easier way out. I haven't overdosed since I got my stomach virus before school started this week and I haven't cut since then either. But there's never a day I don't want to. Cutting lets it all out. Cutting takes the pain from within me away. Cutting gives me what I deserve when I'm not in the process of starving myself to dangerously emaciated.
...And this is the lifestyle I've grown to know and not be willing to give up for anything, even to save my own life.

Pot head progress? Achievement. Smokin' dope errrdayyy.
I wonder if, but I hope not, and I suspect - the boyfriend may know.
Well, he will anyways because he stalks my blog harder than I crave to write in it. Not, not that hardcore stalking.. but close.

Could I not disappoint someone for once... I need to change the world. Who died and made "society" dictator of what's right and wrong? Maybe I can be the one to kill "society" and help the rest of the world be accepted for being an individual. Because I was raised to be this way and everyone quotes it. Don't tell me I can be whoever the fuck I want to be and live the life of my choosing - but when I'm ready to take on the world you're gonna send me home because I don't fit the qualities of the accepted list. Einstein couldn't tie his shoes. George Washington grew and smoked weed. Van Gogh cut off his own fucking ear and made art of it. Why can't I have a total of 4 holes in my 2 ears and stretch 3 of them to just-not-big-enough to see through? Fine. Categorize me. But I'll blow it up all over your face and you'll change your mind about who I am before a Hot Pocket can cook in the microwave.
I hate the world and how it works. If I could make a living of it that wouldn't make me want to commit suicide more than I already think about it, I'd change everything about the world to let people be who they are and get everywhere they want in life. I wouldn't let the stupid shit get in the way.

<3 i'm such a fucking genius behind my mother's back
but she can never have enough faith in me to believe it