live(in)love.

Numbers unknown. But surely small.

I woke up a couple times this morning only to fall back into darkness moments after hitting the alarm. Nightmare after nightmare! Ever dream and at one point, you realize you're asleep? I knew 90% of the time I was dreaming but I couldn't escape the horrible things I was seeing. I got up at 6:30am to have a cigarette with my mom and crawled back under the covers. Instantaneously unconscious. So suddenly running through one fear after another. One unfathomably painful sight after the other. Horrors last all through the night and all through the morning. 11:45am and the boyfriend calls. Never been so happy to hear his voice in my life. I didn't even think back on my terrors and cry because I was too set on the happiness of waking up to his voice.

I roll out of bed and eat my candies. Two for hunger, two for my body, and three to help empty my body further.
I had zero intention of eating today and I didn't. My stepdad though, insisted I have dinner. He made me a grilled cheese with mustard and brought it to my room. I continued to procrastinate homework with Facebook and let the sandwich sit. I craved nicotine so I finally did something with the evil that had been sitting on my bed. teartearflush. I cried a little. I hate when food is made special for me and I do that. I didn't even chew and spit. Just... straight down the toilet.
0 bites.

Talking to the boyfriend almost all day. He wants to accompany me to the doctor tomorrow after school. I wish he could.. I don't know if I'll be able to spit the questions out. In order for his mom to say he could join me, he told her I had stomach ulcers and this doctor visit is critical. Sort of true. I probably do have ulcers, the stomach aches tell me. His mother said no. He then told her I was Bulimic. She still said no. Sadness touched my hand, I popped a mood stabilizer.

Talking to the boyfriend. Running around having a photo shoot with my cat. Procrastination is fun. But, I feel stressed that I didn't do my homework. I need an A in that class... That homework was classwork. Fuck me spinning.

I went on the porch feelin' a little cracked out. The chilled winter air spun itself around my limbs and hugged my chest. I fell in love with this feeling. So suddenly, I'm attacked by happiness and the rest of my day I was high on smiles.

Almost bed time, I should do homework...
If insomnia stops by, it'll happen. Otherwise, cheatcheatcheat.
Cheating. It's an honor student thing.

Life tip: Live in love before you die.
Just like everything you do, it will do nothing short of change your life.

<3 my passion to brighten the world burns
like the lighter i use to ignite the candles of happiness
in attempt to truly light up the dark corners of every life i run into