recovery?WHAT.

My world blew up again.
It loves to do that.
130 and I'm going to miss it.

Wednesday I went to the doctor. Here's what I told her:
- Bulimic tendencies for 5 years
- Chronic nightmares that destroy my life in the winter
- Don't eat 5 days of the week
- Laxatives, water pills, Phentremene

Here's what I was told:
- Ulcers, colon infection, torn esophagus bad teeth
- Dead by 35, latest.

She listened to my heart and lungs, felt my stomach and all that crap. I got an EKG. She said the only reason everything sounded and looked as normal as it did is because I'm on so many stimulants. My heart is actually on the brink of giving out. That I should stop taking what I do but, it could cause bad things too. Complicated. And my whole color changing thing? I randomly turn red and purple all over. That's my thyroid. It's malfunctioning too. And when I shake a lot? That can be considered normal for me now. Blood sugar, imbalanced electrolytes, malfunctioning organs - my body doesn't know what's going on and it goes haywire, so I shake and sometimes get red in the face. It's not cute.

I was prescribed Lexapro and Alprazolam. An anti-depressant and a generic named Xanax. I'm on day 3 of the Lexapro. Haven't had a nightmare since I've taken it.. which is what the doc said it'd do. I'm thankful.
Side effects:
- feeling warm
- sweaty palms
- short term memory loss

I tell my mom everything from the doctor. I got lectured so hard I had to keep gluing myself together as she yelled 'cause I was on my way to being so broken I wouldn't have even bothered to fix myself later. What exactly did this lecture say?
"I have no faith in you. You're killing yourself for attention. I'm tired of your mistakes. I tried time and time again to reach out and help. This is all your fault. You don't need anti-depressants. I will not be blamed for this. It's easy, you can just stop. You can't keep self destructing."

Yeah, I did throw it in her face that she specifically told me to cut myself on Christmas Eve. Her response? "Because I don't care anymore, I don't love you. I only love you because you're my daughter but other than that I am detached."

I'm going through with an operation where I swallow a camera to look for tears, sores, ulcers, and infections. I will be put under for this.

Risks:
- Reactions to medicines, reaction to interactions of medicines
- Internal bleeding
- Infection
- Heart and breathing problems
- Collapsing lung
- Hiatal hernia (portion of the stomach protrudes upward into the chest, through an opening in the diaphragm)

So no, I'm not only scared of what they'll find. I'm scared that the search itself could cause more problems as well.

I love my boyfriend for supporting me every single step of the way and being there for me every single second of the day.

<3 how do i do this if everyone isn't just letting me down, but pushing me through the cracks in the floor with their own hands..