Radioactive.

Yeah, I've missed a good amount of doses of my mood stabilizer. It's washing out of my system. I'm letting the happiness seep out of me.

I went to see the boyfriend today but his mom wasn't there so I had to lie to my mother about why I was leaving the house. I told her I went to see DD. Then it started. Lecture/Rant/Complain. "Mooch" and "druggie" made me mad, "picking up her habits" spilled between "don't want you to end up like her" sent me out the door. Furious. Sad. Unstable. I don't see anything the way she does...

This morning, before the blood drawing words filled the house, wasn't much better itself. I eventually made myself roll out of bed to shower, hoping it would make me feel better. It didn't. My head is currently still pounding and my heart still feels like it's about to give out any second. The knots in my throat aren't helping.. I get out, put a tank top and shorts on, blahblahblah - put on my scar cream and lotion for my wintery dry skin. Casey just got me that lotion and I didn't know it was loaded with sparkles. I felt like Edward Cullen. I went to go show my mom, forgetting I was skinnier than I should be. She gave me that disappointing look again. I can't handle that. Hearts breaking all over the house. I wonder how much she knows..

I didn't have nearly the time I wanted with the boyfriend. But, nonetheless, I got to see him. Hold him. Kiss him. Smile filled words and warm, comforting cuddling. To his face, I told him I love him. I couldn't leave without saying it. I'd hate to live my life not having everything said that should be. I think he stopped breathing when I said it. I'm pretty sure the whole world was on pause. This is a whole new kind of love. True love. One love. In love.

Home, in bed, feeling like I'll die if I fall asleep.
Tomorrow I could spend some quality time with the boyfriend. But no, I think we're leaving at lunch time to go to bum-shit Zebulon to have dinner at my mom's friend's house. No, it's okay. I'm 16 and don't have anyone important in my life because I don't know how to "choose friends wisely". Who on earth would I want to spend a little holiday time with? Oh no, certainly not the boyfriend I'm falling madly in love with. No Mom, I don't know my own feelings because I certainly let teenage hormones fill my head and waste 'feelings' and 'love' on testosterone overloaded boys.

Why am I so angry about this? Why does not being able to see my boyfriend make me so upset? Why am I so rattled? Is love taking over my head? Could it be I feel death is so close to me I feel like I might not see him again? (Honestly, I do feel like that today. Haven't felt this miserable in so long..) Is he what makes me stable? Do I rely on him, maybe too much? Am I addicted? Is he literally a drug to me? Could it be I feel I have no choices to make because my mom is trying to keep me on lockdown, not trusting a single move I make?
What is wrong with me?

<3 i don't know what i'm saying
i'm radioactive