Why? Why me? Why now?
133 and accepting it. But it's not okay.
I think Chemistry is messing with my head. Why am I doing all the work, learning in class and being able to apply it to my work, but when a test comes I diediedie. I walk in confident and then my brain is destroyed. I don't understand. And my confusion mixed with grades below my standards is breaking me right down the middle. This needs to be fixed. Right now.
I was pretty okay until I found out my test grade. I was feeling fairly happy. I was almost loving every second of my life. And then - I wasn't me. I wasn't the zombie either. I was heartbroken by my own disappointment in myself. Could I expect too much of myself? I expect near perfection. Unreasonable? Do I fear disappointing other people too much? I feel the needdesireurge to live in my brother's footsteps. He has one of those bright/strong/leading souls that goes on to be a God. Why can't I achieve this? I work my ass off for it. Why do I feel as though I would die before I could ever please myself?
0 bites. 0 calories. 0 sins. My disappointment made me too sick to my stomach to even feel the hunger. Why is it I don't feel it like I used to? Perhaps the cold winter air makes my insides numb. Swiftly making it's way inside me not having much to fight through. I've found it impossible to sit comfortable anywhere without a lot of cushion. My bones aren't used to having this little protection, they're feeling sensitive. I wishwishwish my eyes weren't broken. Even if seeing myself made me uncomfortably drift from my habits. I want to see what everyone else sees of me. Inside and out. No one has commented on my shrinking process. And I know my mom knows. She gave me a tripletripletriple take one morning when I came down in skinny jeans. I know that face she made. That's the "she's at it again" "my heart is breaking" "I can't help her" face. The face that breaks me the same way what she sees breaks her. I heard the sound of glass hearts shatteringshatteringshattering.
I achieved Operation Sudafed. Instead of my usual 12 hour, it's the 24 hour dose. Recommended dose: 1. Cannot wait to send my brain away for the day. My sudafed high's put my heartsoulbrain in a cloud and they're free to rest. And thanks to being a freak of nature, it has reverse effects on me. It so commonly cracks people out as for me, I get to float in a cloud just as the rest of me internally.
On top of all the Sudafed I have, I could top it off with the Oxycotton I got from my mom and the sleeping pills I have stashed in hidden cells of my room:
and die.
Y'know. I feel worse than dead. I reached the bottom of hopeless today, not reaching an understanding to why I can't get things right. Mainly Chemistry. Basically. I couldn't figure out why my heart sank so far it was dragging on the floor behind me. Why? Why? I never used to be this dead from grades. Hakuna Matata was life and always fixed it. Why has it stopped? What am I doing wrong?
I've decided to give in the the mood stabilizers.
I believe smoking weed would help. I had near perfect grades when I was a pot head. I got all my shit done at home. I was happier. This is all I can think that I've been doing different. And I think weed makes things better in my life. Somehow. Somehow I think it makes me almost productive. Very productive.
I have something I want to say to everyone close to me and I've recently been a burden to. And Hinder knows best how to say it. Hinder knows the song to my heart right now.
Click here.
<3 I refuse to feel hopeless.
<3 If no one else will give up on me, why would I?
<3 My inner demons need to die.
I too, expect far too much of myself. But I think part of that comes from people expecting so much of you, you're only young. You don't deserve to have that pressure put on you.
ReplyDeleteI used to feel that when I smoked weed, then I got put on medication and now whenever I smoke weed I have panic attacks, it's horrible, so I had to stop.
I hope you're alright lovely, x.