iSuck

The whole world blew up. On Christmas Eve.

The boyfriend joined the family dinner in Zebulon. It was pretty nice, everyone likes him. Mason, the brother, of course isn't a huge fan. 6pm rolled around and I'm not a fan of driving in the dark so we left. I took him back to my house. Mistake, on so many levels. Fooling around.. You know that feeling of not being able to get close enough? No finding words to express your love? Feeling like you can't give that one special person enough to show how you feel? -__- ...
We ended up having to deeply explain our love for each other. I didn't even stutter. The L bomb simply became a song. We cried together. A lot. I couldn't figure out why I had broken so much so fast. I didn't know. I was radioactive. Mood stabilizers to the rescue. No help what so ever....

I took him home. Too tired to drive, thinking I'm going to pass out any second and run off the road and die. I wish I did. I get home, my parents know he was there. Anger/Disappointment/Blame strikes. What really destroyed me:
Me: I have to go to sleep now. Too tired. Can't mentally handle this.
Mom: Sleep can't be your answer to everything.
Me: Well it keeps me from cutting my fucking foot off.
Mom: You wanna do that? Go ahead. I don't fucking care. Do it all you want.
Me: Thank you. 'Bout fucking time you gave me permission.

I go to my room and the destruction begins.
1 for the disappointment
2 because it felt so good
3 because I was told to
4 for the blame
5 because I'm so fucking dumb
6 because I need to let the sins out of my blood
7 because I destroyed the happiness for Christmas
8 because my boyfriend had to listen to me crycrycry
9 to let more ghosts out
10 to send cancer seeping through the house as the radioactivity boils in my blood

Boyfriend on the phone listening to it happen asked me to stop. He's the only one who can tell me to stop and I'll actually listen.

Present time was awkward. No one wanted me there.

Merry Christmas ):