so i fasted fairly well on sunday :) then my mom cooked on monday night because it was her birthday and i couldn't not eat with her and her boyfriend. then yesterday i only had lunch and purged, ew. (k so what kind of school sells pizza with chicken on it?!)
i'm at a failing 139. wtf. i need 130.
oh i ate today but i caught myself. my mom made salty flour chips and i nibbled on one to try it and i kept nibbling for idk how long and purged. it turned out to be more than i thought
i've been running at least a mile every day. i've already ran 2 today. i hope that this running helps me lose faster and help kick my metabolism in the butt :)
aw k so about the boys: help me out here.
so there's this super sweet boy in my gym class. he's got a really good heart and he's just goofy :) but not the awkward goofy. and he's not hot, but like.. big teddy bear adorable :D and i'm killin for a boyfriend. oh and there's a cute kid on my bus in my chem class and i wana be like "hey lets stufy together" cuz he lives up my street but ... eh idk. this teddy bear guy in my gym class would be better to cuddle up next to and just fall asleep with :)) mmmmm. but he's like only a year older than me? idk. i like.. almost ilegally older guys. hehe.. but eh who knowsss....
k so fml.
i think i should eat like a normal human being for ONE DAY because i dangerously need to control my purging and intake. but i want it to be during the week so i can show my mom. i mean, she's not stalking me anymore but i can't show anything that can be suspicious. and i can't take stool softeners. but i'm scared out of my mind of my numbers being as ugly as i feel.
i tell myself i should for good reasons but i feel like i'm giving myself an excuse just to eat. i want to fast the day before i do though. so i effed it up for tomorrow. i'll fast the day before. eat normal. and then fast fast FAST.
when winter comes and i have my lisence i think it'll be less of a struggle because i can drive where ever, whenever and avoid food at all costs. i can stay at school or go to a different one and just run til i die or go to the barn which always burns plenty of calories. and i still don't know when my physical is.. but i'm going to continue to lose as much as possible with as much control as i can. i can stack up on clothes and water, whatever.
be strong loves <3
teddy bear sounds better. i like older guys, too, but you want someone who you can cuddle with and will keep your little body safe and warm when you become thin, fragile, and beautiful :)
ReplyDeleteI say go for whichever boy will make you feel the best. :) I've recently had terrible boy troubles which has led to massive binges and purges. It's terrible. I can't control it. And when I feel down, I eat. So I look at his facebook, I end up eating. Then purging. I hate it. Be careful with your heart. :)
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