so last night i went to a movie with my mom, her bf, and my friend. my mom made me eat and i didn't even purge. i didn't even care. let me explain..
so my other horsie died. when someone you're close to dies, you go through crapy stages. the first is guilt. well idk what stage i'm at but guilt is flowing all through my veins. my other horse is a little fighter but if no other horse gets in his business he'll leave them alone. so there's one jerk horse in his pasture he absolutely hates and that horse won't leave him alone. they fight alot. my horse has a big ass boo boo on his leg and it's gross and swollen but he's okay. he's walking on it and he's still himself. nothing to worry about. so i put some medicine on it. before my lesson yesterday some lady was like "hey your horse has a puncture wound, did you know that? it looks bad. you should take care of that" ... wtf lady i know my horse he fights and he got kicked. he's obviously fine if he's walking and running around and still himself on the inside.
when she said that, i know that i do the best i can.. but i felt like the worst mom and horse owner alive. .. i killed my horse. there was SOMETHING i could have done. i know it. but i just let him go. he had the saddest look on his eyes when i got there to be by his side when he was sick. his eyes told me "mommy hold me. take the pain away. i never meant to be bad. i am who i am. mommy take the pain away and let me show you what i can do for you" he knew in his heart that we worked as hard as we did because we were supposed to go and do bigger things than ourselves. he wanted so badly to please me. and i let them put the killing needle in his neck. i had to be held back by my mom and only her because i wasn't going to beat her up too. kill my baby and mom in the same day? nah. i have night mares to this day of the exact scene. let me play it out for you
"morgan, there's nothing we can do. he can't even get up. let him know he was a fighter. be strong for him" says the vet.
"i'm so sorry baby" the mom says, crying from seeing her daughter in pain.
"i love you Big Man. you were everything and more that i could have ever asked for. your brother and i love you so much." says Morgan, dying on the inside.
"okay we have do to it now..." calmy says the vet.
"MOMMY NO! NO! MOMMY WE CAN SAVE HIM! NO MOMMY NO!" says Morgan being pulled back by her mom so she doesn't have to watch the killing needle do it's work.
"MORGAN NO! STOP! HE'S IN PAIN SWEETIE!" yells back mom.
"SO AM I!" screams morgan, barely able to speak because there's so many knots in her throat.
- the vet sticks him with the needle, looking into his eyes as they shout "save me" to her. not kill me.. but she does it.. -
Morgan runs back to her horse. looking into his eyes as he starts hurting and going numb at the same time. he falls asleep in her arms. They say goodbye and both of them die right there.
..i dream this scene every night. and it's finally hit me that.. i'm horrible.
...wana see what i killed? click here.
i've locked myself in my room.
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i want to get to be so skinny now so there's nothing left of me.
i want nothing left so no one else can take it and hurt me
fasting til i die.
depression hurts my stomach enough to make me wana puke. i wont be eating.
Oh sweetheart!
ReplyDeleteI'm crying, that's just heartbreaking. Hotpocket seems like he was a dedicated and caring horse.
When Pearl (my white lab) was put down, I felt like the world was over. And that's okay. It's alright to be sad, you loved your baby so much and now he's gone.
BUT YOU CAN NOT BLAME YOURSELF.
Okay? It is not your fault that Hot pocket needed to be put down. It is not your fault. Your reasoning that his leg wound was a result fighting, that happened all the time, and was therefore an injury that with some care (putting medicine on it) would heal, was not faulty.
The complications from that were not your fault. The fact that the vet, with his/her years of medical knowledge, determined it was best to put him down, is NOT YOUR FAULT either.
I know it feels like you should have known something to save him, that you could have done something more. But I'm saying that you couldn't have. This was not your fault. I know this is a tripe phrase but sometimes things just happen.
This probably poor comfort, but his time was up. It's clear to me that you loved him very much. He spent his time knowing he was so loved, and it's because of that that he had a wonderful life, full of warmth, happiness and joy.
Honey. :'( This made me cry. I'm so sorry! I know you're going to feel guilty no matter what but all I can say is that you did everything you could. I know he was a very happy horse because you loved him so much... ohhh I can't stop crying. : ( When I lose any one of my cats I will be devasted, too. Awh I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Just remember, your horse isn't in pain anymore.
ReplyDeleteI lost my horse 5 years ago, it hurts more then anything has ever hurt before. There is no animal that can give you the feeling of peace and freedom, and it sounds as if hot pocket was as much a part of you as paddy was to me. I cried for paddy, and now I'll cry for you and HP. It feels as though your heart has been torn out and you will always feel that you could have done more, could have fixed him. But the reality is harsh and painful. You loved him, and he loved you. And there was nothing that you could have done. Try to keep breathing, remember the fun and love you shared. Words can only comfort so much, and only time can heal. But never doubt you were the best friend he had and no one could have loved him or taken care of him as well as you did.
ReplyDeleteSending you all the love in the world xxx