alright. so i've been busy. and honestly i have the memory of a goldfish. i'd give yall legit updates but i can't. all i can say is i've been eating. and i'm terrified to weigh myself. oh but i'm sick again. haha yay? it's typical. oh and since i've been eating, i've been purging. and since i've been purging, alot, my top of my mouth is blistering. awesome right? awesomely painful. it's keeping me from eating though. it hurts like a motherrr.
i'm so disappointed in myself. i'm depressed. i won't be even remotely happy again til i'm 135. which i can make happen in a matter of a couple of days with fasting and running. i'm training myself to run 1.5miles in 8:30. i'm actually pretty darn good for an out of shape smoker lol. i plan to run everyday after school and weekends when people aren't home.
i think my weakness has been caused by being around people. i think i feel like i have to show them HARDCORE that i can feed myself and i don't have a "problem". my mom has totally hopped off my back now. i'm safe to do whatever. and being sick and "allergy season" makes me not hungry so she can't get too mad if i don't eat dinner with them a few times.
my moms birthday celebration is this weekend. out to dinner, family time.. stuff like that. but i'm excused because i'm sick and i've shown my mom enough 'self feeding'.
i wish i could be running right now. but i'd pass out. i'm surprised i've been awake long enough to type this. when i get sick, it's always extreme ahaha. ahh ugh. sucks but at the same time i always get a lot of sleep.
...today is my favorite kind of "lay around and pig out" day. cloudy, chilly, empty house. but my kitty is sad she hasn't seen me much this weekend.
i got so baked friday night. and as you can guess, the munchies took over. i remember cooking and thinking "HOLY CRAP THIS IS TAKING FOREVER" haha. but in reality it was like 2 minutes. hahaha. ahh but i purged alot. and my friends didn't even notice. it was great. and i went to a birthday party last night and i'm pretty sure i ate at leasttt a whole pizza. i kept getting away to purge. i'm so sneaky. i love people who don't notice anything. but i'm not going to eat for a while. i need to give my blisters a break. my poor body. i'm abusing the hell out of myself. it's so much better to just starve to death. which is what i'm going to do. well, i'm gona starve to skinnyness.
be strong loves.
stronger than i've been and as strong as i know i can be.
<3
Wow. That sounds awful, sweetie. Hang in there and starve a little bit and i'm sure you'll feel a lot better. Much love!
ReplyDeleteI'm ill, I don't even know why?! it was completely out of nowhere and I am in so much pain right now. I like people who don't notice anything. and people who don't care. don't worry though, with all this running you'll get the reults you want in no time! you can do it!
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