Life/Death? Fading away.

Tomorrow will be the third day of my successful fast. I weighed myself today. 135 and counting down. 1 more pound = 10 pounds underweight. Acceptable. Almost.

All I've been putting in my body is one cup of coffee in the morning, this health drink that has every food group in it but it's a powder(wtf?), 2 diet pills in the morning, 2 at night, 2 aloe pills, and one more health drink at night. I occasionally sip on water at school but I'm too lazy to even fill it back up or bring it from my car half the time anyways.
The health drink is called Akea. It's really expensive... and the serving size, one scoop, is like 60-70something calories but I don't count it for anything because all it does is keep your body running and clean it out at the same time. It's fuel without the fat. I also take aloe on a daily basis for my immune system. It crashed so long ago, and sorry if this is repeated information, and aloe is good for promoting the function of your digestive and immune system, which are both very closely linked.


So today -
I got up super early. Actually, I never really had to wake up. I didn't sleep much at all last night. Maybe, perhaps a maximum of 2 hours. I was stressing so hard about not being with my friend after a week of living together. Anyways, this morning started okay. I wasn't particularly happy or sad. Just mutual me. I'm taking the A.D.D. stuff but regardless, it's become so hard for me to focus. I find myself not even being able to think in my own head what a teacher is talking about, I can't process anything beyond accepting what I'm told and that's it. I can't take any information I'm attempting to learn and put it in any work we're doing. I love learning but it's become a chore. My third period is theater, when we're only rehearsing our class play that I have a 20 second part in so I usually use that class time to attempt my homework and if I either get it done or don't have any, I try to sleep because it's so precious these days. It's rare and if it does come around, it's usually horrifying.
So come lunch time, I go to my car and have a couple cigarettes. I start shaking more than I usually do, which has become common now. I look at my face and the tops of my cheeks almost look swollen but they're bright red. With a complexion as dark as mine, it takes extremes to get my face to appear red from blushing or nerves, or anything for that matter. I wasn't hot either which was the only thing I could think of - then it hit me. My blood sugar was on it's way down and taking me with it. I feel even less emotion than I had in the morning. It felt like all my emotional, mental, and almost completely my physical strength was gone. Shot. Done for. Lost. I go to my last class in hope that seeing my ana buddy/Bff can cheer me up. I try so hard to at least put some kind of expression on my face. I try as hard as I can to feel anything at all. My friend is making inside jokes with me, making faces, doing dumb things that usually crack me up - but I could not even move the muscles in my face to change
my expression. I looked and felt like a dead zombie. Zombies are already walking dead, imagine how a dead - dead one feels.
After school it only gets worse. I take myself, bff, and the boyfriend back to his house for an hour and me and my bff go back to her house for an hour. We avoid her mom's cooking with ease, we're both sick so she let us go. Then we went to her bible study. By this time, I'm almost myself. We go and it's about as awkward as it gets for me. So hard to keep my mouth shut.... I believe in witchcraft so imagine... just imagine. But it was nice, a lot of love and peace in the house we went to. Not so bad. Think I'm going to go every week.

So my friend calls her mom after talking to the Bible study leader - at this time it's 9:30pm and she calls her mom. She says the session ran late - it didn't, but good lie - and that we were going to get ice cream and be right home. Her and her mom aren't on the best terms. Her mom says something and my girl starts crying, yelling - so much chaos in my car. So we park close to her neighborhood, I let her vent and she asks me to call my parents to see if I could stay the night with her. Easily could have been done. I call my mom and ask - instantly i get a scoff and stern talking to. She's giving me reasons why it wouldn't work and I had reasons that backfired hers. I shut down everything she said, I could have easily been asleep in her bed with her crying right now as me wasting the gas it took me to come home.


So suddenly I never noticed 'til the tears drowned out the world -
I cannot stand being home. As soon as I walk up to the door, usually my brother is around and my greeting is always 2 middle fingers crossed and a smirky look. He's my brother, we joke around, we're buds - but I'm so far on the edge right now with not doing as well this quarter with my grades and everyone who needs me wearing me down, hogging me from my own emotions. I come home to my list of chores. It's all laid out on a whiteboard and I mark off when I do things. 2 each a month. Bathrooms, floors, counters, dishes, and dusting. The deadline just changed so everything is fresh and empty, needing to be done. I hate looking at that board, feeling like that's the only way I'm allowed to live in this house. I can get things done but I can't manage stress or time or anything. I look at everything I have to do and I feel like it needs to be done right away. Sometimes, I tend to do really great with what pleases my mom. Good grades, clean house. Well now I'm failing everything and I'm using all the power I have to avoid being at home to see my asshole brother and that empty whiteboard of chores that need to be done.

I've never felt so selfish for being alive as I do right now. I feel like all I am to my family is a burden. All they do is laugh at me, take their troubles and stress out on me, and they've turned me into their slave for life. I feel like if I was gone, they'd have a more peaceful life. Plus, I feel like if my life did end at this point, my spirit couldn't go anywhere. I have so many people to help. My spirit would do so much better than I currently am as a living teenage being.

I have a whole bottle of sleeping pills. I've taken a few to actually sleep, but there's at least 50 left. I don't think I could put every one of those pills in my body to end it all.

So I spilled my brain and heart on the keyboard and pretty much said I wish I was dead.
I do.
I need to die simply, somehow. I don't care if it's slow and painful(meaning it won't last really more than a few hours); I don't care if it's quick and painless. My nasty, gross, fat, ugly ass body needs to leave this beautiful world. I'm a disgrace. If I'm not getting all A's, doing all my chores ASAP and thoroughly, or using every ounce of my energy on the close people I feel like is my responsibility to help and talk to and make happy - I fail all together and don't deserve to see the light of day again.

Starving 'til I'm smaller than a tooth pick. Starving until my body eats it's own heart. Starving 'til I die. And if I eat - I don't care if I'm gone for months, even years as an inpatient - I'm cutting up every single section of my body. Blood blood blood everywhere.

I can't handle this anymore.


Crying so hard..
Stay skinny <3