Letting go.

This weekend was alright. Not really what I wanted at all. Currently 134 with a day of emptiness behind and ahead of me.

I've been dedicating too much of myself to everyone but me. I've given every ounce of myself to other people and making them happy. ...Well now, I count too. I value time alone with my own thoughts more than life itself. I've given my past few weekends to DD, including time before and after school. During class, people would much rather socialize but I enjoy learning and my grades matter so much to me - they are in the toilet at the moment so I need to take my own time to fix that.

I haven't talked to my boyfriend in days. At least, verbally. I feel like I could have made a way to talk to him on the phone, at least once. But no, that never got around to happening. And I doubt it'll happen tonight just because I haven't been alone in SO long that I won't even want to pick up the phone when he calls.

Falling and broken is not how I can live my life. Furthermore, everyone who means anything to me knowing I'd give a limb for them dictating how to live my life isn't going to work either.
Well, I can't be told how to live my life if I choose not to live a life at all.

I stretched myself too far giving myself away before family arrives for Thanksgiving. I'm going to be an irritable bitch because I couldn't figure out how to say "I need to be alone."

Thanksgiving is here and happening. My mom is making key lime pies, pumpkin pies, her famous stuffing, and more delicious foods. I don't think I can handle myself when it comes. I can't handle myself now. I want to stay empty. Curse DD for making me eat Friday night - had I not eaten then I bet I'd have stayed empty all weekend, all 'till Thanksgiving.

Everyone needs to turn their eyes, for once. Everyone needs to leave for a moment. I need to be left in oblivion. Just for a while, please. I work so much better alone.

I've broken myself so hard I rely on herbal teas to fall asleep and get through my day without mental breakdowns. Fish oils to make my brain function and remind myself I have to focus. Multiple Alarms throughout the day to tell me I have something to do because my life is no longer mine to live.
Once you feel like your life doesn't belong to you anymore, and the people it does go to don't exactly take care of the part of you they own, there's a great lack of will left inside.

I got to see my baby today. My horse, Romeo. I've been far too long without him. He means more than the world to me and I wish I could spend every second of every day with him. I hate when our time of the day is up; it's almost impossible walking away from him. I took him a whole bad of JellyBelly's, his favorite. Sugar free. I love when his breath is fruity. Even when his breath smells like steel, his kisses are just as pleasant. He ran up to me in the pasture - I live for his excitement to be with me.

I'm dedicating more of my time to myself from now on. I'm dead without it.

Stay skinny <3