So much in one day.

Woke up this morning with my runaway ana buddy from school, went to school with her, she gave me a Vyvance (A.D.D. pills) to take my hunger away - and our day began.
We're both pretty sick, so we're lacking appetite anyways. Successful day of fasting. Very successful. Loving it. In our last class of the day, the only one we have together, she gets called to the office. She's gone half of the period. We have block scheduling, so that's 45 minutes. She came back last minute. I thought her mother had come to the school, tried to talk to her, and wanted to take her home. I was freaking out while she was gone but she came back last minute. Relief. We get home... It goes down.
I clean, do all my routine stuff. She takes a nap. My mom walks in a few hours later. She tells us that DD (my runaway ana buddy), is to be taken home tonight. My mom called her mom, and HER mom said that tomorrow if she wasn't home, she would have called the cops on her as a runaway. Fuck. SO we bonded and smoked so many cigarettes in an hour before we took her home. We held hands all the way to her house. We held hands for the hour our parents were standing and talking when we got there. So much love.
So her first time back home in a week, she thought her mom was going to be pissed. We both thought so. So, wouldn't you think that she'd be super nervous and scared and freaking out right? She was super calm. I was the one shaking, sweating, and flipping a shit on the inside. I completely took all those feelings from her. Whoa.

I feel like so many people rely on me for happiness. So many people look to me for help in life. I can't keep up with everyone. I can't even hang out with my boyfriend because I care too much about other people. I cry every day, every single night in disappointment to myself. My own self makes me bawl. Every day I feel like I could have done so much better, at even the littlest things. I feel like I fail so hard at life and have no control over anything. Everyone, anyone who talks to me, comes to me - OWNS ALL RIGHTS TO MY LIFE. I don't even know what I want out of anything anymore. Every decision I make - who to be with, where to go, what to do - I feel is up to everyone I care about's feelings. I've put my own self aside for so long I don't even know my own feelings towards things anymore. I wear myself to the point of letting my eyes bawl out while my voice manages to stay calm on the phone with my boyfriend. I'm breaking and dying from the inside out.

I can't wait to waste away.
It'll all be gone.

Stay skinny <3