Life/Death? Fading away.

Tomorrow will be the third day of my successful fast. I weighed myself today. 135 and counting down. 1 more pound = 10 pounds underweight. Acceptable. Almost.

All I've been putting in my body is one cup of coffee in the morning, this health drink that has every food group in it but it's a powder(wtf?), 2 diet pills in the morning, 2 at night, 2 aloe pills, and one more health drink at night. I occasionally sip on water at school but I'm too lazy to even fill it back up or bring it from my car half the time anyways.
The health drink is called Akea. It's really expensive... and the serving size, one scoop, is like 60-70something calories but I don't count it for anything because all it does is keep your body running and clean it out at the same time. It's fuel without the fat. I also take aloe on a daily basis for my immune system. It crashed so long ago, and sorry if this is repeated information, and aloe is good for promoting the function of your digestive and immune system, which are both very closely linked.


So today -
I got up super early. Actually, I never really had to wake up. I didn't sleep much at all last night. Maybe, perhaps a maximum of 2 hours. I was stressing so hard about not being with my friend after a week of living together. Anyways, this morning started okay. I wasn't particularly happy or sad. Just mutual me. I'm taking the A.D.D. stuff but regardless, it's become so hard for me to focus. I find myself not even being able to think in my own head what a teacher is talking about, I can't process anything beyond accepting what I'm told and that's it. I can't take any information I'm attempting to learn and put it in any work we're doing. I love learning but it's become a chore. My third period is theater, when we're only rehearsing our class play that I have a 20 second part in so I usually use that class time to attempt my homework and if I either get it done or don't have any, I try to sleep because it's so precious these days. It's rare and if it does come around, it's usually horrifying.
So come lunch time, I go to my car and have a couple cigarettes. I start shaking more than I usually do, which has become common now. I look at my face and the tops of my cheeks almost look swollen but they're bright red. With a complexion as dark as mine, it takes extremes to get my face to appear red from blushing or nerves, or anything for that matter. I wasn't hot either which was the only thing I could think of - then it hit me. My blood sugar was on it's way down and taking me with it. I feel even less emotion than I had in the morning. It felt like all my emotional, mental, and almost completely my physical strength was gone. Shot. Done for. Lost. I go to my last class in hope that seeing my ana buddy/Bff can cheer me up. I try so hard to at least put some kind of expression on my face. I try as hard as I can to feel anything at all. My friend is making inside jokes with me, making faces, doing dumb things that usually crack me up - but I could not even move the muscles in my face to change
my expression. I looked and felt like a dead zombie. Zombies are already walking dead, imagine how a dead - dead one feels.
After school it only gets worse. I take myself, bff, and the boyfriend back to his house for an hour and me and my bff go back to her house for an hour. We avoid her mom's cooking with ease, we're both sick so she let us go. Then we went to her bible study. By this time, I'm almost myself. We go and it's about as awkward as it gets for me. So hard to keep my mouth shut.... I believe in witchcraft so imagine... just imagine. But it was nice, a lot of love and peace in the house we went to. Not so bad. Think I'm going to go every week.

So my friend calls her mom after talking to the Bible study leader - at this time it's 9:30pm and she calls her mom. She says the session ran late - it didn't, but good lie - and that we were going to get ice cream and be right home. Her and her mom aren't on the best terms. Her mom says something and my girl starts crying, yelling - so much chaos in my car. So we park close to her neighborhood, I let her vent and she asks me to call my parents to see if I could stay the night with her. Easily could have been done. I call my mom and ask - instantly i get a scoff and stern talking to. She's giving me reasons why it wouldn't work and I had reasons that backfired hers. I shut down everything she said, I could have easily been asleep in her bed with her crying right now as me wasting the gas it took me to come home.


So suddenly I never noticed 'til the tears drowned out the world -
I cannot stand being home. As soon as I walk up to the door, usually my brother is around and my greeting is always 2 middle fingers crossed and a smirky look. He's my brother, we joke around, we're buds - but I'm so far on the edge right now with not doing as well this quarter with my grades and everyone who needs me wearing me down, hogging me from my own emotions. I come home to my list of chores. It's all laid out on a whiteboard and I mark off when I do things. 2 each a month. Bathrooms, floors, counters, dishes, and dusting. The deadline just changed so everything is fresh and empty, needing to be done. I hate looking at that board, feeling like that's the only way I'm allowed to live in this house. I can get things done but I can't manage stress or time or anything. I look at everything I have to do and I feel like it needs to be done right away. Sometimes, I tend to do really great with what pleases my mom. Good grades, clean house. Well now I'm failing everything and I'm using all the power I have to avoid being at home to see my asshole brother and that empty whiteboard of chores that need to be done.

I've never felt so selfish for being alive as I do right now. I feel like all I am to my family is a burden. All they do is laugh at me, take their troubles and stress out on me, and they've turned me into their slave for life. I feel like if I was gone, they'd have a more peaceful life. Plus, I feel like if my life did end at this point, my spirit couldn't go anywhere. I have so many people to help. My spirit would do so much better than I currently am as a living teenage being.

I have a whole bottle of sleeping pills. I've taken a few to actually sleep, but there's at least 50 left. I don't think I could put every one of those pills in my body to end it all.

So I spilled my brain and heart on the keyboard and pretty much said I wish I was dead.
I do.
I need to die simply, somehow. I don't care if it's slow and painful(meaning it won't last really more than a few hours); I don't care if it's quick and painless. My nasty, gross, fat, ugly ass body needs to leave this beautiful world. I'm a disgrace. If I'm not getting all A's, doing all my chores ASAP and thoroughly, or using every ounce of my energy on the close people I feel like is my responsibility to help and talk to and make happy - I fail all together and don't deserve to see the light of day again.

Starving 'til I'm smaller than a tooth pick. Starving until my body eats it's own heart. Starving 'til I die. And if I eat - I don't care if I'm gone for months, even years as an inpatient - I'm cutting up every single section of my body. Blood blood blood everywhere.

I can't handle this anymore.


Crying so hard..
Stay skinny <3

So much in one day.

Woke up this morning with my runaway ana buddy from school, went to school with her, she gave me a Vyvance (A.D.D. pills) to take my hunger away - and our day began.
We're both pretty sick, so we're lacking appetite anyways. Successful day of fasting. Very successful. Loving it. In our last class of the day, the only one we have together, she gets called to the office. She's gone half of the period. We have block scheduling, so that's 45 minutes. She came back last minute. I thought her mother had come to the school, tried to talk to her, and wanted to take her home. I was freaking out while she was gone but she came back last minute. Relief. We get home... It goes down.
I clean, do all my routine stuff. She takes a nap. My mom walks in a few hours later. She tells us that DD (my runaway ana buddy), is to be taken home tonight. My mom called her mom, and HER mom said that tomorrow if she wasn't home, she would have called the cops on her as a runaway. Fuck. SO we bonded and smoked so many cigarettes in an hour before we took her home. We held hands all the way to her house. We held hands for the hour our parents were standing and talking when we got there. So much love.
So her first time back home in a week, she thought her mom was going to be pissed. We both thought so. So, wouldn't you think that she'd be super nervous and scared and freaking out right? She was super calm. I was the one shaking, sweating, and flipping a shit on the inside. I completely took all those feelings from her. Whoa.

I feel like so many people rely on me for happiness. So many people look to me for help in life. I can't keep up with everyone. I can't even hang out with my boyfriend because I care too much about other people. I cry every day, every single night in disappointment to myself. My own self makes me bawl. Every day I feel like I could have done so much better, at even the littlest things. I feel like I fail so hard at life and have no control over anything. Everyone, anyone who talks to me, comes to me - OWNS ALL RIGHTS TO MY LIFE. I don't even know what I want out of anything anymore. Every decision I make - who to be with, where to go, what to do - I feel is up to everyone I care about's feelings. I've put my own self aside for so long I don't even know my own feelings towards things anymore. I wear myself to the point of letting my eyes bawl out while my voice manages to stay calm on the phone with my boyfriend. I'm breaking and dying from the inside out.

I can't wait to waste away.
It'll all be gone.

Stay skinny <3

Count down.

So I fasted pretty hard yesterday. It's 2pm and I still haven't eaten today. I don't want to. I feel so reserved. I just want to be alone with music, tv, and/or my cat. Something in me feels destroyed. Currently, I'm a little bored alone but I don't even mind it, not one bit. I want to be left alone. My runaway friend is still here though. She's pro-ana too. An ana buddy from school. Even though she failed yesterday and today, I'm still fighting strong. It feels so good. Hunger is my only happiness right now. I'm 138 and counting down. Not good enough, I prefer being 10 or more pounds underweight.

I feel like I'm being pulled around too much. I believe that everybody needs someone and I try to be that someone for as many people as will let me. Most everyone who understands me at all knows this. CLearly, I'm going to have more than one person need me. I'm hogged by bothered people who's problems I can't, but try to fix or help with. I know how important it is for people to need someone to lean on or hold when the going gets tough. Do they ever wonder if I need someone to lean on? Does anyone ever consider that I'm not really a therapist, but a 16yr old girl who goes to school, has a boyfriend, a horse, and a family to be with? Anyone ever offer to be that someone for me? Just because I don't show my pain and I don't reach out, doesn't mean I'm okay. Just because I don't come crying to people doesn't mean I don't need them. Just because I display perfection doesn't mean I possess any.
Asking for help, in my heart, tells me I'm weak. I always have, and more than likely always will have this mindset. It kills me. I feel like just a 20minute rant a day would make my life 200x better.

138 and counting down.
Stay skinny<3

No one around..

Today is the beginning of a fast. It's beautifully transforming into Fall. I do so much better in the cold weather. But I must remain away from people. I feel like I do SO much better on my own. If I lived in a world made of food, I'd be just fine with no one around me. I can't seem to figure out why people make me feel the need to eat. I'm fasting 'till I collapse.

I've cut myself so much. My chosen spot for the moment is my foot ... and honestly, there's not much pretty about the top of my foot.
This is what evil food makes me do. Emptiness is the epidemy of happiness.

spillin' it.

Currently, my ana buddy from school is running away and staying with me. No school tomorrow so we're starving. Hard. She's currently at the NeverShoutNever concert, though. I'm pretty jealous.

Ate today... fml. I need to fast and weigh. I refuse to see my ugly numbers. I assume I'm fatter than a whale at the moment.

My boyfriend is so dumb. He expects me to drive everywhere? Sorry, I'm not made of gas. No. But I can't deny I want to be with him.. I'm just too broke. BTW: He knows all my secrets. Every word spoken through this blog, he knows. Not about the blog though.. that might scare him too much. But he doesn't judge or force me to do anything. He sits back and lets me. I love it.

Hi, I'm anorexic. I do drugs. I want to love people as much as I care about them but that can't happen 'til I love myself. I don't think I'll ever love myself. I question continuing the Hell of a life I lead every single day. I cut myself. I can count everyone I'm alive for right now - on one hand. My heart fights my brain to keep on going. I couldn't let anyone down and not debate popping every pill I have. I cry every day.

Life is taking that toll I've been scared of for years.
Fairly certain I'm officially broken inside.

Stay Skinny <3

so i miss you guys...

guess who's back to blog? yeah. yeah, that'd be me!
so a lot has happened and it's too much to fill in but here's some new facts:

1. i have a boyfriend of 4 months now.
2. i have 2 ana buddies at school!
3. i'm popping 984398652 pills a day for my weight
4. so close to getting sent away. again. and almost want to go..
5. i started cutting again. big deal. all over my body. intense.
6. night terrors are kicking my ass again.

so i'm 138 and counting down. on day 3 of a fast. and sick so i'll use being sick as an excuse for no appetite. 'bout to be tiny again. i miss being 12lbs underweight. 6 isn't enough. (i'm supposed to be 144)

ANYWAYS i'll be doing more tomorrow. when i have more time to type. i've been sleeping so much.

<3

it's been too long..

so it's been a while. my mom's till suspicious. i'm eating. it's gross. i'm like, 136. not a problemmmm. it'll come off easy (: ima try to fast soon.

and dramaaa. on the inside.
night terrors. look them up. i'm having them every night. again.
same thing happened last year, but it's worse this time. i'm sleepwalking too.

<3 miss & love you all!