I love hunger. I love being empty. I love getting smaller and smaller. I hate seeing the same number on the scale.
I planned on not eating til tomorrow but.. I had 3 crackers and a slice of cheese. That's about 100 calories? or less. I got on the treadmill for half an hour. Burned 300 calories and then did about 50 crunches. That's alot considering I haven't napped in 2 days. I'm a sleep-a-holic. I need like 15 hours a day/night to function right. The only reason I was wasn't numb to my hunger was becuase I didn't sleep much last night. Sleep helps me get numb.
I'm staying at 145lbs but.. I'm actually happy. I was 153lbs earilier this summer, this is progress no matter how I look at it. But it's not good. Not better. There is no 'good' or 'better' til I see my ribs and my hips and thighs are no longer taking over the world. People are noticing, at least, that I'm shrinking.. a little. People at the barn say things like "Oh my! losing weight?" It lets me know I'm getting my job done. I'm getting closer to my goal.
I don't exactly have a goal weight. Just a goal in general. GET SMALL. I wana be beautiful. I wana be thin. I'm getting there.
I also stole more laxatives from my mom for weak moments. They're not crazy strong and empty your body completely like the good ones I took, but they help. But hey, help is help, right? I'll munch today, maybe. No more than 500 calories. (when I limit myself like this I always end up staying wayyyy below) I prolly won't have more than 2 more crackers and a bite of something yummy.
I feel good today. I'd work out more but I already showered and I'm on my way to doing the girl stuff like my nails and what not. I'm also cleaning my room. The cat hair in here all over my sheets is killing me now.
If I'm not 144 or less by tomorrow, I'm slicing up my body and throwing myself down a sewer.
...Shit. Might as well not eat til Wednesday.
Monday, August 3, 2009
hands.off.food
No food yesterday. No food today.
Thinking thin..
This is really hard, especially because there's delicious desserts in the fridge. Ooooh my. YUMMY! Must... Not.... Touch!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Inspire me. Help me.
I'll make this one short. - (sortaa)
Today, went to the barn. Didn't ride. Rian. Mud fight with friend.
Didn't go for 2+ mile walk. Couldn't say goodbye.
No food. Cigs and coffee.
I feel like giving up. Not on Ana, oh God no! She's my best friend. Just, give up in general. Today I just felt all .. 'no will' and stuff. Bummer days I guess.
I have a friend coming over tomorrow night. Yay. But.. she eats CONSTANTLY so I'll have to keep feeding her.. Not eating til Tuesday 'cause I'm fasting along with a pal. Oh, and I'm back down to 145 lbs! Not so exciting. I've seen the number before. Finally recovered from the stupid dinner last night though.
I'm riding Tuesday night so I'll burn alot. Then going to the bitch-friend's house for a few days, it's her b-dayyy. She always has awesome food! .. Oh help me. TIPS?! I seriously need a pal I can talk to constantly. the evil voice in my head is enough to scare me but not if I have my laxatives, which I always do, but I'm running low, can't steal too much from my mom at a time. My scary voice is always there, but I need someone else to tell me "you're gross. don't touch it!"
Prolly won't blog much 'til Thursday? Friday? Eh... other than tomorrowww.
May the Strength be with me. .. haha, I made myself giggle :)
Today, went to the barn. Didn't ride. Rian. Mud fight with friend.
Didn't go for 2+ mile walk. Couldn't say goodbye.
No food. Cigs and coffee.
I feel like giving up. Not on Ana, oh God no! She's my best friend. Just, give up in general. Today I just felt all .. 'no will' and stuff. Bummer days I guess.
I have a friend coming over tomorrow night. Yay. But.. she eats CONSTANTLY so I'll have to keep feeding her.. Not eating til Tuesday 'cause I'm fasting along with a pal. Oh, and I'm back down to 145 lbs! Not so exciting. I've seen the number before. Finally recovered from the stupid dinner last night though.
I'm riding Tuesday night so I'll burn alot. Then going to the bitch-friend's house for a few days, it's her b-dayyy. She always has awesome food! .. Oh help me. TIPS?! I seriously need a pal I can talk to constantly. the evil voice in my head is enough to scare me but not if I have my laxatives, which I always do, but I'm running low, can't steal too much from my mom at a time. My scary voice is always there, but I need someone else to tell me "you're gross. don't touch it!"
Prolly won't blog much 'til Thursday? Friday? Eh... other than tomorrowww.
May the Strength be with me. .. haha, I made myself giggle :)
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Fallen apart
I'm bawling as I type. -
The food killed me tonight. I really ate as little as possible, but my mom's damn bread is so effing killer! .. Only 4 pieces though. About, I guess. I kept eating little pieces at a time. Oh, and a mini bite of cheesecake. :(
Tomorrow, I have a mission. Let me start from the beginning.
My horse, Hot Pocket was is his name, passed away a month ago. I had him for about a year, not even, but he became like.. my child. I still have his brother (by mother, me), but we're both taking it hard at heart. He was my jumper; he was going to take me to the big competitions where there's million dollar purses and you win cars and stuff. Real big. There's 6-7 or whatever stages of greif. I have to accept, and have hope, at last. I'm still at the second stage, I'd give anything for him to be back. Bargaining is the second step. I would give half my body (not the fat part, like literally half, straight down the middle) to have him back. He was dangerous, and I knew that. He'd never do anything bad with me on purpose, but.. Well his mom nearly killed 4 people and his cousin KILLED A CHICKEN AND ATE IT. ..My mom tells me he got sick and had to "die" to "save me." Bullshit. I feel like I died, walking through the days wishing I was underground, not him.
It's ripping me apart that I'm holding on so tight to something I can't accept isn't here anymore. I'm walking to his grave to say goodbye with my other horse, Romeo. I can't go alone, and we both need to do this. He's ready, though I am not. I think I need to do this. How unhealth it is to push myself through greif, I'm unsure. But, I guess by tomorrow I'll find out.
The moment he passed, (I was there holding him when he had to get put down, in other words, get killed for my safety), I had to take control. Him leaving made me realize I wasn't calling anymore shots. Well, WRONG. I'm controling that I'm not eating. .. this turned into the weight issue again.
BACK TO FOOD TAKING OVER MY LIFE AGAIN -
I'm riding tomorrow, and walking about 2 miles or more, at a fast pace because my horse does and I'm taking him with me, so I should burn everything I ate tonight and then some...
Ooh.. I feel the laxative working. Owwwwwwwww. Always pay for your sins. .. Kill meeeeee. Hate fooddddd.
I need a constant ana buddy to talk to. Email, txt, message, SOMETHING.
The food killed me tonight. I really ate as little as possible, but my mom's damn bread is so effing killer! .. Only 4 pieces though. About, I guess. I kept eating little pieces at a time. Oh, and a mini bite of cheesecake. :(
Tomorrow, I have a mission. Let me start from the beginning.
My horse, Hot Pocket was is his name, passed away a month ago. I had him for about a year, not even, but he became like.. my child. I still have his brother (by mother, me), but we're both taking it hard at heart. He was my jumper; he was going to take me to the big competitions where there's million dollar purses and you win cars and stuff. Real big. There's 6-7 or whatever stages of greif. I have to accept, and have hope, at last. I'm still at the second stage, I'd give anything for him to be back. Bargaining is the second step. I would give half my body (not the fat part, like literally half, straight down the middle) to have him back. He was dangerous, and I knew that. He'd never do anything bad with me on purpose, but.. Well his mom nearly killed 4 people and his cousin KILLED A CHICKEN AND ATE IT. ..My mom tells me he got sick and had to "die" to "save me." Bullshit. I feel like I died, walking through the days wishing I was underground, not him.
It's ripping me apart that I'm holding on so tight to something I can't accept isn't here anymore. I'm walking to his grave to say goodbye with my other horse, Romeo. I can't go alone, and we both need to do this. He's ready, though I am not. I think I need to do this. How unhealth it is to push myself through greif, I'm unsure. But, I guess by tomorrow I'll find out.
The moment he passed, (I was there holding him when he had to get put down, in other words, get killed for my safety), I had to take control. Him leaving made me realize I wasn't calling anymore shots. Well, WRONG. I'm controling that I'm not eating. .. this turned into the weight issue again.
BACK TO FOOD TAKING OVER MY LIFE AGAIN -
I'm riding tomorrow, and walking about 2 miles or more, at a fast pace because my horse does and I'm taking him with me, so I should burn everything I ate tonight and then some...
Ooh.. I feel the laxative working. Owwwwwwwww. Always pay for your sins. .. Kill meeeeee. Hate fooddddd.
I need a constant ana buddy to talk to. Email, txt, message, SOMETHING.
Worts part's over, now.. kill me.
Dinner is over, food is still laying out, and I need to get back downstairs. BUT wanted to let you all know I was strong, sorta, not really. My mom makes the best bread! the topping or whatever is to die for! ... I had like 3 pieces? 4 bites of pasta, an the smallest sliver or Keyyy Limeee Pieeee.
I'm brushing my death to wash the sins from the inside of my mouth. My laxative better not fail. I'll die. I would take another to be safe, but I'm running low on safety here!
Help me. Kill me.
My life is over.
Ugh, please, any help? Tips?
I'm fighting back so many tears here. Food is evil.
I'm brushing my death to wash the sins from the inside of my mouth. My laxative better not fail. I'll die. I would take another to be safe, but I'm running low on safety here!
Help me. Kill me.
My life is over.
Ugh, please, any help? Tips?
I'm fighting back so many tears here. Food is evil.
Shhhhhhit!
I'm an evil genius. I really am.
I went to the barn today, hell yeah. It was hot as shit though, thank god. I hate the heat, but I get over heated so easily. :) This is the first time ever I'm glad that the sun ate me alive and the humidity sucked me dry. Perfect excuse for this dinner tonight. Walked in the house to my mom, cooking, and told her I felt like crap - too hot. She knows I get all "stuck in bed" when I get over heated. Can't eat or anything! ..But I do, however, have to go back to the barn tomorrow for a lesson. Gonna have to tough that out. I kinda did get over heated today. But, so worth it.
So for dinner, Mom also baked some KEY LIME PIES! She makes the best. No fair.
I'll take a laxative beforehand, sit through the dinner, munch on the real food, have a legit size amount of dessert.
BTW :) - Today I am 145.8 lbs. The barn sucks all the fat out of me.
Even if I do gain tonight, even a tiny bit, I'll work twice as much off tomorrow at the barn, again.
Riding is a lot more work than people give it credit to be.
Okay, I seem happy? Well, to an extent. But this dinner is my Immortal Enemy. Do you know how much is gonna be left over? Enough for Africa to get obese. After the first day of fasting, it's alwaysss easier from there. Well, my mom is practically a Class A cook. It's like jizz-in-your-pants good. Stupid.
That girl in my head tells me I'm a healthy, grownin' girl. I should stuff my face, endulge! Go ahead, you'll work it off tomorrow if you're worried..
She sounds so sweet. But the other voice tells me every wiff I get of food will only make my chances of going to Hell that much greater. I am disgusting and trash. Thin is clean, pure, good.
...The other girl scares the sweet girl away alot.
I went to the barn today, hell yeah. It was hot as shit though, thank god. I hate the heat, but I get over heated so easily. :) This is the first time ever I'm glad that the sun ate me alive and the humidity sucked me dry. Perfect excuse for this dinner tonight. Walked in the house to my mom, cooking, and told her I felt like crap - too hot. She knows I get all "stuck in bed" when I get over heated. Can't eat or anything! ..But I do, however, have to go back to the barn tomorrow for a lesson. Gonna have to tough that out. I kinda did get over heated today. But, so worth it.
So for dinner, Mom also baked some KEY LIME PIES! She makes the best. No fair.
I'll take a laxative beforehand, sit through the dinner, munch on the real food, have a legit size amount of dessert.
BTW :) - Today I am 145.8 lbs. The barn sucks all the fat out of me.
Even if I do gain tonight, even a tiny bit, I'll work twice as much off tomorrow at the barn, again.
Riding is a lot more work than people give it credit to be.
Okay, I seem happy? Well, to an extent. But this dinner is my Immortal Enemy. Do you know how much is gonna be left over? Enough for Africa to get obese. After the first day of fasting, it's alwaysss easier from there. Well, my mom is practically a Class A cook. It's like jizz-in-your-pants good. Stupid.
That girl in my head tells me I'm a healthy, grownin' girl. I should stuff my face, endulge! Go ahead, you'll work it off tomorrow if you're worried..
She sounds so sweet. But the other voice tells me every wiff I get of food will only make my chances of going to Hell that much greater. I am disgusting and trash. Thin is clean, pure, good.
...The other girl scares the sweet girl away alot.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)