so yesterday. alot happened. sort of.
only ran 2 miles. i'm worn out from all this running lol i might not run today. i'm going to my barn :) i think i ate about 200 calories yesterday. wow. about 100 more than really allowed. but i burned about 250. and guess what? 137.4 .. hell to the yessssssss. progress. anyways, my mom and i talked about my stomach problems last night? i always have the worst stomach aches and i told her how the aloe pills are helping. alot. and she made me admit i had been purging again and to stop. i told her i only did it when i was really full and it hurt my stomach cuz it's so small. (because i never really ate alot in the first place so it's always been averagly tiny like hers). so this means i'm borderline screwed. if i show ANY signs of my past "food issues" i'm dead and my horse is gone and i can say goodbye to my dreams.
so this food thing isn't completely about weight. it IS but that's not the whole thing. anytime i get in a 'low zone', sad about something.. i just wana disappear. and my baby is gone. and i still dream about him. you could say i'm not completely myself. he's my reason to get so skinny i vanish but my other horse that's still by my side is the reason i'm not taking this to the extreme and fasting 20 days in a row. so i'm stuck in the middle. losing weight to the extreme but still eating semi normal.
but if it comes down to it, i'd stop counting calories in a heartbeat. i'd still exercise and still eat small portions just cuz that's how i eat anyways, but i'd walk away from ana to keep my baby boy and live my dreams. i'm not a quitter, i'm a mother and i'm ambitious with many goals.
oh my grades are doing a little better. they're A B C F. a-in gym. b-in spanish. c-in algebra 2.. i'm working on that.. and f-in chem. obviously. and i understand this shit it's just that there's complications with my dumbass teacher. :/
as for today/tonight.
i think i'm going to be forced dinner. so i'm sparing my calories all day. i can't even say no to dinner but i'm going to stay busy in my room and maybe run when i get home just in case... but i haven't showered like 3 days, lol.. so i'm gona have to take a long one. you know, shaving, hair washing, conditioning.. all that good womanly care lol. i'll try to avoid it at all costs. but i hate to shower before hand and still have to eat and not be able to purge if absolutely necessary. ugh. i'll work it out. i'm genius like that :) tiny bites, big gulps of water.
k so, 137.4 AND COUNTING DOWN :D
stay strong <3
Oh dear, chemistry is the worst thing ever. Lol. I had hard times with it to, but you'll get through it.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, hunny. I'm glad that your other horse is keeping you from going too extreme because that much fasting would worry even me. Much love and hugs!