2011.

Today was the perfect love I needed. I got to spend hours with the truest love of my life. Yeah, I took care of him. I even cleaned all my tack, which is a chore if anything. And I enjoyed it. And I got to ride. I jumped. I flew today. We sprouted wings that carried us farther than any human eye could see. Every time we're together and I take a breath, I fall in love all over again, even harder than the time before. We shared mints and kisses. We shared anger and frustration. We shared happiness and pain. Every bit of it was perfect.

Fuck coming home to an empty house.
Fuck my mom saying I don't give two shits about her or my stepdad.
Fuck not being able to get out of the house and enjoy the new year with friends.
Fuck being locked up with no alcohol.
Fuck being obese and scared shitless of my numbers.
Fuck all the mistakes behind me.
Fuck it all, I'm going to do at least one thing right in 2011.

2011.
I'm getting a cavity filled January 10th. I have a doctors appointment January 12th. Yeah, I ate today. But until after I go to the doctor, I'm done. DONEDONEDONE. Fasting has morphed it's way into being a passion. If I'm going to have chances to fail at life all of 2011, I'm at least going to starve right.

My birthday is in 4 days. Casey wants to take me out to dinner with her and both our boyfriends. No. I'm gonna try my hardest to avoidavoidavoid the evilevilevil. It's back to lame excuses to perfectly human events involving food. Back to the lies built on lieslieslies and more lies.

Yes, today's love adventures were beautiful and so full of happiness.
No, I'm not very happy right now. But I'm stable. No worries.. -__-
I'm fed up with food. I'm done failing. I'm done with the disappointment. I miss the emptiness. I miss the darkness pulling me to the ground. I miss daily functions being challenging. I miss starving. I miss shrinkingshrinkingshrinking. Small. Tiny. Too little. Scary thin. I want to have the superpower to disappear whenever the Hell I want to. I'm tired of purging. I'm tired of destroying the inside of my body because I hate that I put something inside when I clearly could have just said no.

My goal? My resolution? There's a few.
1. Improve at least one person's day every day.
2. Starve right.
3. Get a job. Make money. Become a pothead again.
4. Find my self worth, patch it up, and make it strong.
Because every single one of those things has to happen and I'll be perfectly happy.

<3 2011, please don't hurt as bad as 2010

This is my break down.

I miss my boyfriend. He hasn't seen me in far too long. Is he forgetting about me? We talk every night. So what. Seeing a person can make such a difference. Soon he'll forget my face. He must be forgetting what I smell like. He has to. How couldn't he?
I remember. I remember his face. I remember his skin against mine. I remember the falling feeling I'd get whenever he'd touch me. I remember the calming smell of his. If I closed my eyes, it'd feel like I was on a cliff right by the sea and there was a deep, warm rainforest just behind me. I can hear the waves crashing and the animals living. All upon a sunset.

The blood I've drawn isn't enough. I love the knife making it's way in. Pushing just a little bit harder. Nicking the bone, embarrassment racing through the veins just exposed. Red wine trickling down the goose bumps of a cold night, running in circles. The ghosts are flying out faster, faster. screamscreamscreaming at me. "You can be stronger" whipping through "just one more, maybe a few more" that sweetly outline "deeperdeeperdeeper" and "you're doing it wrong, just end it." Depression attacks in the pit of the heart. It makes its home and stops the systems. Welcoming death with a human body for sacrifice.

But I can't.
My mom claims sadness upon my departure.
My horse would have nobody.
And I think the boyfriend wouldn't be happy.
*If he misses me like I hope.

I'm losing reasons for 'why'.

I hear these words of "I love you" and "you're worth so much more" but somewhere it keeps getting twisted into "you fail" and "you just shouldn't even be here." Deep down, every day, I hope something takes me. I hope I am given an escape from the pain. I dream that I've been handed the map to the way out. But I wake up and I hold maps upon maps on the way to the exit and the way to push. The maps to the exit are so much shorter and way less painless. So much faster. debatedebatedebate and I always want that exit sign. I want it shining in my face so bright I go blind. But who am I to leave this world without the ones who depend on me so much?

I never should have let myself go near love,
But I did. And forever it will haunt me.

Don'tWorry.

134 thank you stomach virus.

Trying so hard to be happy. And yeah, it's pretty hard. I miss the outside life. I miss my boyfriend. I miss fasting.

I miss seeing faces. I miss the smells of the world. I miss being with people. I miss being with people who want to be with me. I miss having a life. I miss not being trapped by my own thoughts. I miss not being locked in my house.

Attempting to get a job so I can leave the house.
Anything at all to get out of here.

I've cried every day since Friday.
For one reason or another -
Purging pains.
Sadness.
Neglect.
Tears have hit the ground directly from my face.
6 days in a row. It makes my face hurts.

<3 don't worry, when you turn your head
i'll be sure to be gone

Virus

I slept 16 hours.
Worst headache of my life and nothing to get rid of it with.
Typically scared of my numbers.

Yesterday's sickness wasn't from the sleeping pills. Neither was today. No pills, no nothing. Just feeling miserably ill. I have a stomach virus. Just like every winter break of my life. Fuck me sideways.

<3 i slept too much today
for anything to even happen

ETD.

Purging to only taste acidic iron scares me.
Time and time again it happens and hurts.

I know at this point I should stop and it's going to kill me.
The only part of my habits being the death of me that scares me -
I know it's going to hurt like Hell.

I taste the death on my lips. Cold.
The pain brings me to screaming tears.

Home alone to indulge in my likings.
Here in silence I will continue -

No one will know until they smell the dead body by the toilet -
Covered by what should be held inside.

Estimated time of death:
8pm at the latest.

<3 the acid, the blood
she spits the happy candies right back at the world
she's sorry she couldn't do this sooner

135fuckme.

For I have sinned today, I controlled myself.
The day is far from over but I have faith.
Back on my mood stabilizers - along with all my favorite candies.
Fearfully, I scaled my sins.
135 and accepting. Hating painfully, but accepting.
Way better than I'd expected. Better then I'd even hoped.

I've put on 3 pounds of gross and I hate it. 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 so they glow. Letting the sinful ghosts out is an all too familiar comfort. I must let it go.

<3 sorry i'm bad, sorry i'm blue
sorry 'bout all the things i've done to you
and i know - i can't take it back

pain/fail/death

Today hasn't been a fast as hoped.
It's been a blur. A painful one.

Apparently the vacuum carried me around this morning and threw me down the stairs. Bruises told me. Along with clean floors. I've mostly been in bed and running to throw up due to the excessive pill intake last night. And all that's entered my body hadn't stayed long due to it thinking it was all poison. I don't really remember much of anything at all. I lived many nightmares and whenever I woke up, I thought I was a ghost and no one could see me. No one really even talked to me, or looked at me. I wasn't even here.

I feel like shit. I should be in my grave.
Anything flat and comfy with blankets has held me captive. All day.
I wasn't invited to lunch. I'm not invited to dinner.

<3 i've been invisible today
living nightmare after nightmare