so i'm on the computer and i have music going and i thought hey, lets blog.
so idk my weight. i'm so scared to look. :( bad numbers make me eat my feelings. haha
so i havent taken my sudafed since saturday. it's been 4 days. i'm going insane! i'm exaughsted. i'm nautious. i'm bitchy. omg.
i'm still running alot :) it's my stairway to heaven. like, idk. running gives me this feeling like the faster i go and the farther i get, the closer i am to something that much better than right now. and when i get really tired is when i love it most. like i'm this weak and i can push myself this hard. it feels like happy. only way i know how to explain it :) haha i'm amazed i can run for like ever. but it's like i'm about to bust into the gates of heaven even though i'm chillin' on the treadmill, still. i'm moving foward. :)
i just cleaned the house :D and my room! omg amazing on a weekday. AND i'm pretty much caught up on my school work. wooooow. i feel like i'm in the right place as of right now. aw and this cute cuddly teddy bear boy i mentioned a while back asked me out. but i said no cuz i'm not ready for a 'relationship' i can't hold but so much on my plate. i think i'll ask HIM out when i hit 135 :D haha as my reward, boyfriend. hahahah.
k so still avoiding rehab and hospitals.
still in the process of losing !! for sure. never giving up.
tryin' to balance this crap hole i'm in that i guess most people would call life..
<3
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
hey. real quick
so i'm in the middle of avoiding rehab and hospitals.
idk my weight.
been purging. alot. kind of.
i gained. i just know it.
going through slight withdrawl.
pain. headaches. puking. sweating.
will post again maybe in 2 weeks. if it's longer than that... idk.
stay strong beauties
idk my weight.
been purging. alot. kind of.
i gained. i just know it.
going through slight withdrawl.
pain. headaches. puking. sweating.
will post again maybe in 2 weeks. if it's longer than that... idk.
stay strong beauties
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
wow. rehab AND a hospital?
SO A LOT HAS HAPPENED
my mom almost sent me to rehab. and a bulimic hospital.
i take a cold medicine everyday during the week so i don't have headaches in school and i can focus. i take SUDAFED. but i like it. it makes me feel high. and people use it to make crank. (crystal meth) and i sometimes take sleeping pills because they make you sleepless (which if that happens you're supposed to stop taking it and talk to your doctor) but w/e.
and my mom is just psychic and knows stuff sometimes. but i talked her out of both.
but i'm still at risk.
i've eaten completely normal for like 2 days and didn't take any pills today. SCREW IT.
idk my ugly numbers. fasting til i'm back to semi-normal ana-self again. :)
my mom almost sent me to rehab. and a bulimic hospital.
i take a cold medicine everyday during the week so i don't have headaches in school and i can focus. i take SUDAFED. but i like it. it makes me feel high. and people use it to make crank. (crystal meth) and i sometimes take sleeping pills because they make you sleepless (which if that happens you're supposed to stop taking it and talk to your doctor) but w/e.
and my mom is just psychic and knows stuff sometimes. but i talked her out of both.
but i'm still at risk.
i've eaten completely normal for like 2 days and didn't take any pills today. SCREW IT.
idk my ugly numbers. fasting til i'm back to semi-normal ana-self again. :)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
omFg. <3
so this week i've been... okay? actually pretty good cept for thursday. been alone :) the rents are in vegas, comin back today. ugh, i know.. i told yall i'd try to keep yall posted. but.. i lived down the hall for the week. it's getting cold and the rents bed s warmmmmmmm :)
so let me start by saying i woke up this morning at 137.0! whoa. i ate yesterday. like almost notmal. becuase a boy came over and spent the night.. omg. i'm not one to say "the L word" but i think i truly love him. he left a few hours ago :) and i STILL have butterflies. mmmmmm. and when he left we couldn't let go of each other. <3 ahhh. he held me all night when we slept and it was the most amazing thing, waking up to his scent. his face. his whole body. right there.
all i have on the brain is how much i love this boy. he's 19 and has a kid.. so he's a ball of trouble waiting to happen but whoaa. yall know Twilight right? edward cullen and bella swan? their situation is exactly what this feels like. he's trouble and has secrets and i'm pathetically falling all over myself for him. i've been so far in love with him for a year now... mmm. i want him. and i want him to want me back the way i want him.
so anyways, i'm in love.
and i'm 137.
and since i'm always so good on weekends.. i think i'll see 135 soon. i hopeeee.
stay strongggg<3!
so let me start by saying i woke up this morning at 137.0! whoa. i ate yesterday. like almost notmal. becuase a boy came over and spent the night.. omg. i'm not one to say "the L word" but i think i truly love him. he left a few hours ago :) and i STILL have butterflies. mmmmmm. and when he left we couldn't let go of each other. <3 ahhh. he held me all night when we slept and it was the most amazing thing, waking up to his scent. his face. his whole body. right there.
all i have on the brain is how much i love this boy. he's 19 and has a kid.. so he's a ball of trouble waiting to happen but whoaa. yall know Twilight right? edward cullen and bella swan? their situation is exactly what this feels like. he's trouble and has secrets and i'm pathetically falling all over myself for him. i've been so far in love with him for a year now... mmm. i want him. and i want him to want me back the way i want him.
so anyways, i'm in love.
and i'm 137.
and since i'm always so good on weekends.. i think i'll see 135 soon. i hopeeee.
stay strongggg<3!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
tiny update :)
oh. k. canceled the date. and btw
THE NEVERENDING STORY IS GANGSTER.
watch it. love it. :)
THE NEVERENDING STORY IS GANGSTER.
watch it. love it. :)
these are turning into a weekly thing..
so i wana say sorry for not posting very much. like at all. but i'm still so in control :)
anyways, same status as last weekend. ..my last few days have been rough. but i'm 138.0 .. i had a little more than 100 calories yesterday and didn't run. i had a horrible stomach ache. but then again, when do i not? but i didn't go to school. so i pretty much watched Degrassi all day leading up to the new season premeire :D ahhh! hahah it was intense. and hilarious. for anyone who watches it, Sav is so funny in awkward situations... he makes a face and turns around and walks away. lmao he's cute. and peter, .. i knew he'd go crazy and do something like that. typical.
ah k so my mom's away at her gun range til tomorrow night and even then she won't force me to eat :) AND NEXT WEEK, TUESDAY THROUGH SATURDAY THEY'RE GOIN TO VEGAS! omg. perfect fasting oppertunity. and running whenever i want. and i'll be busy cuz i have to take care of the dogs, the house, my cat, homework, and making coffee for myself. flat out. that's all i'm gona do. i wana fast as long as i can while they're gone. and run my ass off. i want 130. no more than 50cal a day if i absolutely need it while i'm alone. yes. it's about to get intense. i'll try to keep my computer somewhere i can open it and post everyday.
alright anyways, today i plan to just run alot. my goal is 5 miles. :) yay
uh, i have a date tonight. no food will be involved, or if it is he won't think anything of it if i don't eat.. unless he hears my stomach grumble. if he asks questions.. and gets suspicious.. fml. i'm gona have him take me right home. it's called PERSONAL BUSINESS meaning someone you go on a first date with doesn't really have a right to jump into it. i'm testy with people now'a days.
oh. i adore this kid. he's hilarious and OMG sweet. i told him straight up it could take forever to get to me and break down my walls, he was like okay i'll do it. i've been wanting a boy like that :) .. and all of a sudden i don't want to go on this date. like at all. i like when it's just me and ana. idk if i explained to yall he's the cute funny black kid in my gym class but yeah lol that's my next victim.
i have this history of getting bored with boys, i guess, in a very short time. i want to be stunned. i want him to make me want to stay awake because reality is better than fantasy. but that wont happen, at least not for a long time.. if i keep dreaming of my baby boy and smelling his breath everytime i close my eyes. mmmmmmmm. miss him..
so 138. running today. date tonight.
barn tomorrow.
i think i can make it to 137 tomorrow, right?
..i'm almost wanting this bad enough to work out and go to school and pass out one day in gym.
idc if i fall into a coma. only because i dream of my baby boy and smell him half the time. i'd seriously put myself into a coma just to see him. i can't go to the hospital and tell them to put me in a coma for that reason though, it'd have to be for some health reason. ugh gay.
i really.. really reallyyy miss him.
anyways, same status as last weekend. ..my last few days have been rough. but i'm 138.0 .. i had a little more than 100 calories yesterday and didn't run. i had a horrible stomach ache. but then again, when do i not? but i didn't go to school. so i pretty much watched Degrassi all day leading up to the new season premeire :D ahhh! hahah it was intense. and hilarious. for anyone who watches it, Sav is so funny in awkward situations... he makes a face and turns around and walks away. lmao he's cute. and peter, .. i knew he'd go crazy and do something like that. typical.
ah k so my mom's away at her gun range til tomorrow night and even then she won't force me to eat :) AND NEXT WEEK, TUESDAY THROUGH SATURDAY THEY'RE GOIN TO VEGAS! omg. perfect fasting oppertunity. and running whenever i want. and i'll be busy cuz i have to take care of the dogs, the house, my cat, homework, and making coffee for myself. flat out. that's all i'm gona do. i wana fast as long as i can while they're gone. and run my ass off. i want 130. no more than 50cal a day if i absolutely need it while i'm alone. yes. it's about to get intense. i'll try to keep my computer somewhere i can open it and post everyday.
alright anyways, today i plan to just run alot. my goal is 5 miles. :) yay
uh, i have a date tonight. no food will be involved, or if it is he won't think anything of it if i don't eat.. unless he hears my stomach grumble. if he asks questions.. and gets suspicious.. fml. i'm gona have him take me right home. it's called PERSONAL BUSINESS meaning someone you go on a first date with doesn't really have a right to jump into it. i'm testy with people now'a days.
oh. i adore this kid. he's hilarious and OMG sweet. i told him straight up it could take forever to get to me and break down my walls, he was like okay i'll do it. i've been wanting a boy like that :) .. and all of a sudden i don't want to go on this date. like at all. i like when it's just me and ana. idk if i explained to yall he's the cute funny black kid in my gym class but yeah lol that's my next victim.
i have this history of getting bored with boys, i guess, in a very short time. i want to be stunned. i want him to make me want to stay awake because reality is better than fantasy. but that wont happen, at least not for a long time.. if i keep dreaming of my baby boy and smelling his breath everytime i close my eyes. mmmmmmmm. miss him..
so 138. running today. date tonight.
barn tomorrow.
i think i can make it to 137 tomorrow, right?
..i'm almost wanting this bad enough to work out and go to school and pass out one day in gym.
idc if i fall into a coma. only because i dream of my baby boy and smell him half the time. i'd seriously put myself into a coma just to see him. i can't go to the hospital and tell them to put me in a coma for that reason though, it'd have to be for some health reason. ugh gay.
i really.. really reallyyy miss him.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
yee-haw! :)
so yesterday. alot happened. sort of.
only ran 2 miles. i'm worn out from all this running lol i might not run today. i'm going to my barn :) i think i ate about 200 calories yesterday. wow. about 100 more than really allowed. but i burned about 250. and guess what? 137.4 .. hell to the yessssssss. progress. anyways, my mom and i talked about my stomach problems last night? i always have the worst stomach aches and i told her how the aloe pills are helping. alot. and she made me admit i had been purging again and to stop. i told her i only did it when i was really full and it hurt my stomach cuz it's so small. (because i never really ate alot in the first place so it's always been averagly tiny like hers). so this means i'm borderline screwed. if i show ANY signs of my past "food issues" i'm dead and my horse is gone and i can say goodbye to my dreams.
so this food thing isn't completely about weight. it IS but that's not the whole thing. anytime i get in a 'low zone', sad about something.. i just wana disappear. and my baby is gone. and i still dream about him. you could say i'm not completely myself. he's my reason to get so skinny i vanish but my other horse that's still by my side is the reason i'm not taking this to the extreme and fasting 20 days in a row. so i'm stuck in the middle. losing weight to the extreme but still eating semi normal.
but if it comes down to it, i'd stop counting calories in a heartbeat. i'd still exercise and still eat small portions just cuz that's how i eat anyways, but i'd walk away from ana to keep my baby boy and live my dreams. i'm not a quitter, i'm a mother and i'm ambitious with many goals.
oh my grades are doing a little better. they're A B C F. a-in gym. b-in spanish. c-in algebra 2.. i'm working on that.. and f-in chem. obviously. and i understand this shit it's just that there's complications with my dumbass teacher. :/
as for today/tonight.
i think i'm going to be forced dinner. so i'm sparing my calories all day. i can't even say no to dinner but i'm going to stay busy in my room and maybe run when i get home just in case... but i haven't showered like 3 days, lol.. so i'm gona have to take a long one. you know, shaving, hair washing, conditioning.. all that good womanly care lol. i'll try to avoid it at all costs. but i hate to shower before hand and still have to eat and not be able to purge if absolutely necessary. ugh. i'll work it out. i'm genius like that :) tiny bites, big gulps of water.
k so, 137.4 AND COUNTING DOWN :D
stay strong <3
only ran 2 miles. i'm worn out from all this running lol i might not run today. i'm going to my barn :) i think i ate about 200 calories yesterday. wow. about 100 more than really allowed. but i burned about 250. and guess what? 137.4 .. hell to the yessssssss. progress. anyways, my mom and i talked about my stomach problems last night? i always have the worst stomach aches and i told her how the aloe pills are helping. alot. and she made me admit i had been purging again and to stop. i told her i only did it when i was really full and it hurt my stomach cuz it's so small. (because i never really ate alot in the first place so it's always been averagly tiny like hers). so this means i'm borderline screwed. if i show ANY signs of my past "food issues" i'm dead and my horse is gone and i can say goodbye to my dreams.
so this food thing isn't completely about weight. it IS but that's not the whole thing. anytime i get in a 'low zone', sad about something.. i just wana disappear. and my baby is gone. and i still dream about him. you could say i'm not completely myself. he's my reason to get so skinny i vanish but my other horse that's still by my side is the reason i'm not taking this to the extreme and fasting 20 days in a row. so i'm stuck in the middle. losing weight to the extreme but still eating semi normal.
but if it comes down to it, i'd stop counting calories in a heartbeat. i'd still exercise and still eat small portions just cuz that's how i eat anyways, but i'd walk away from ana to keep my baby boy and live my dreams. i'm not a quitter, i'm a mother and i'm ambitious with many goals.
oh my grades are doing a little better. they're A B C F. a-in gym. b-in spanish. c-in algebra 2.. i'm working on that.. and f-in chem. obviously. and i understand this shit it's just that there's complications with my dumbass teacher. :/
as for today/tonight.
i think i'm going to be forced dinner. so i'm sparing my calories all day. i can't even say no to dinner but i'm going to stay busy in my room and maybe run when i get home just in case... but i haven't showered like 3 days, lol.. so i'm gona have to take a long one. you know, shaving, hair washing, conditioning.. all that good womanly care lol. i'll try to avoid it at all costs. but i hate to shower before hand and still have to eat and not be able to purge if absolutely necessary. ugh. i'll work it out. i'm genius like that :) tiny bites, big gulps of water.
k so, 137.4 AND COUNTING DOWN :D
stay strong <3
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