today. calorie count under 50. calorie burn over 250. :)
yesterdayyy.. stress pains so bad i crawled up the driveway in stress pains. i ate because i thought it would help? idk what i was thinking.
141 and hating it. and fixing it.
still on the whole mind set that i killed my baby boy.
WENT TO SCHOOL HIGH AS SHIT TODAY! fun stuff :) hahahaha.
sudafed tomorrow :D
ima lil druggie. haha
ugh fmlll.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
storytime.
so last night i went to a movie with my mom, her bf, and my friend. my mom made me eat and i didn't even purge. i didn't even care. let me explain..
so my other horsie died. when someone you're close to dies, you go through crapy stages. the first is guilt. well idk what stage i'm at but guilt is flowing all through my veins. my other horse is a little fighter but if no other horse gets in his business he'll leave them alone. so there's one jerk horse in his pasture he absolutely hates and that horse won't leave him alone. they fight alot. my horse has a big ass boo boo on his leg and it's gross and swollen but he's okay. he's walking on it and he's still himself. nothing to worry about. so i put some medicine on it. before my lesson yesterday some lady was like "hey your horse has a puncture wound, did you know that? it looks bad. you should take care of that" ... wtf lady i know my horse he fights and he got kicked. he's obviously fine if he's walking and running around and still himself on the inside.
when she said that, i know that i do the best i can.. but i felt like the worst mom and horse owner alive. .. i killed my horse. there was SOMETHING i could have done. i know it. but i just let him go. he had the saddest look on his eyes when i got there to be by his side when he was sick. his eyes told me "mommy hold me. take the pain away. i never meant to be bad. i am who i am. mommy take the pain away and let me show you what i can do for you" he knew in his heart that we worked as hard as we did because we were supposed to go and do bigger things than ourselves. he wanted so badly to please me. and i let them put the killing needle in his neck. i had to be held back by my mom and only her because i wasn't going to beat her up too. kill my baby and mom in the same day? nah. i have night mares to this day of the exact scene. let me play it out for you
"morgan, there's nothing we can do. he can't even get up. let him know he was a fighter. be strong for him" says the vet.
"i'm so sorry baby" the mom says, crying from seeing her daughter in pain.
"i love you Big Man. you were everything and more that i could have ever asked for. your brother and i love you so much." says Morgan, dying on the inside.
"okay we have do to it now..." calmy says the vet.
"MOMMY NO! NO! MOMMY WE CAN SAVE HIM! NO MOMMY NO!" says Morgan being pulled back by her mom so she doesn't have to watch the killing needle do it's work.
"MORGAN NO! STOP! HE'S IN PAIN SWEETIE!" yells back mom.
"SO AM I!" screams morgan, barely able to speak because there's so many knots in her throat.
- the vet sticks him with the needle, looking into his eyes as they shout "save me" to her. not kill me.. but she does it.. -
Morgan runs back to her horse. looking into his eyes as he starts hurting and going numb at the same time. he falls asleep in her arms. They say goodbye and both of them die right there.
..i dream this scene every night. and it's finally hit me that.. i'm horrible.
...wana see what i killed? click here.
i've locked myself in my room.
139
i want to get to be so skinny now so there's nothing left of me.
i want nothing left so no one else can take it and hurt me
fasting til i die.
depression hurts my stomach enough to make me wana puke. i wont be eating.
so my other horsie died. when someone you're close to dies, you go through crapy stages. the first is guilt. well idk what stage i'm at but guilt is flowing all through my veins. my other horse is a little fighter but if no other horse gets in his business he'll leave them alone. so there's one jerk horse in his pasture he absolutely hates and that horse won't leave him alone. they fight alot. my horse has a big ass boo boo on his leg and it's gross and swollen but he's okay. he's walking on it and he's still himself. nothing to worry about. so i put some medicine on it. before my lesson yesterday some lady was like "hey your horse has a puncture wound, did you know that? it looks bad. you should take care of that" ... wtf lady i know my horse he fights and he got kicked. he's obviously fine if he's walking and running around and still himself on the inside.
when she said that, i know that i do the best i can.. but i felt like the worst mom and horse owner alive. .. i killed my horse. there was SOMETHING i could have done. i know it. but i just let him go. he had the saddest look on his eyes when i got there to be by his side when he was sick. his eyes told me "mommy hold me. take the pain away. i never meant to be bad. i am who i am. mommy take the pain away and let me show you what i can do for you" he knew in his heart that we worked as hard as we did because we were supposed to go and do bigger things than ourselves. he wanted so badly to please me. and i let them put the killing needle in his neck. i had to be held back by my mom and only her because i wasn't going to beat her up too. kill my baby and mom in the same day? nah. i have night mares to this day of the exact scene. let me play it out for you
"morgan, there's nothing we can do. he can't even get up. let him know he was a fighter. be strong for him" says the vet.
"i'm so sorry baby" the mom says, crying from seeing her daughter in pain.
"i love you Big Man. you were everything and more that i could have ever asked for. your brother and i love you so much." says Morgan, dying on the inside.
"okay we have do to it now..." calmy says the vet.
"MOMMY NO! NO! MOMMY WE CAN SAVE HIM! NO MOMMY NO!" says Morgan being pulled back by her mom so she doesn't have to watch the killing needle do it's work.
"MORGAN NO! STOP! HE'S IN PAIN SWEETIE!" yells back mom.
"SO AM I!" screams morgan, barely able to speak because there's so many knots in her throat.
- the vet sticks him with the needle, looking into his eyes as they shout "save me" to her. not kill me.. but she does it.. -
Morgan runs back to her horse. looking into his eyes as he starts hurting and going numb at the same time. he falls asleep in her arms. They say goodbye and both of them die right there.
..i dream this scene every night. and it's finally hit me that.. i'm horrible.
...wana see what i killed? click here.
i've locked myself in my room.
139
i want to get to be so skinny now so there's nothing left of me.
i want nothing left so no one else can take it and hurt me
fasting til i die.
depression hurts my stomach enough to make me wana puke. i wont be eating.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
bigggg newsssssss! :D good things!
OKAY OKAY BIG NEWS!
control:
it's all back. yesterday i ate about 130 calories worth right? ran 2 miles and totally got rid of 250. yes. and my stomach is so flat. and when i sit and lean forward, like, y'know how you have a roll? that "woman pouch"? it's like nonexistant! :D score. ahh i wish i could weigh myself.
i'm going to run at least 2 miles this morning and i think i'm riding today and then a movie tonight. and no one makes breakfast and we'll prolly just eat at the theater.. so i don't think i'm gona be forcecd or anything :) woo!
BOYS!:
so i've made it so that the cute cuddly boy is mine lol. as for my beautiful dream boy, that i've been crushin on for well over a year now.. is totally spending the night in 2 weeks! my parents are going to Vegas. HA! yeah. from next tuesday to saturday. friday night. party time :)
so i'm under control.
so i'm boy-satisfied.
so stay strong :)
<3
control:
it's all back. yesterday i ate about 130 calories worth right? ran 2 miles and totally got rid of 250. yes. and my stomach is so flat. and when i sit and lean forward, like, y'know how you have a roll? that "woman pouch"? it's like nonexistant! :D score. ahh i wish i could weigh myself.
i'm going to run at least 2 miles this morning and i think i'm riding today and then a movie tonight. and no one makes breakfast and we'll prolly just eat at the theater.. so i don't think i'm gona be forcecd or anything :) woo!
BOYS!:
so i've made it so that the cute cuddly boy is mine lol. as for my beautiful dream boy, that i've been crushin on for well over a year now.. is totally spending the night in 2 weeks! my parents are going to Vegas. HA! yeah. from next tuesday to saturday. friday night. party time :)
so i'm under control.
so i'm boy-satisfied.
so stay strong :)
<3
Saturday, September 26, 2009
'bout time :)
holy crapppp. so i ate a bit last night and i felt like crap.
haha i slept til like 1pm. well i woke up to drink a gallon of coffee and fell back asleep lol. well i woke up again and ran a mile, cleaned the floors, made food for my friend, and ran another mile. the 2 peeps from last night are gone and my bff (bitch-friend) is comin over, i think..? idk. but yeahh
so i was scared this morning to weigh myself but after the coffee drained me and i ran 2 miles i thought i was safe... 138. i'm okay with that. 139 and i would have jumped off my house or gave birth to a farm animal, idk. i'da flipped a switch haha.
so i've had about 35cal and burned like 250.
i'm gettin' my control backk :) bout freakin time!
oh. btw. cute cuddly boy. mine. :) lol
strong, thin, pretty :) <3
haha i slept til like 1pm. well i woke up to drink a gallon of coffee and fell back asleep lol. well i woke up again and ran a mile, cleaned the floors, made food for my friend, and ran another mile. the 2 peeps from last night are gone and my bff (bitch-friend) is comin over, i think..? idk. but yeahh
so i was scared this morning to weigh myself but after the coffee drained me and i ran 2 miles i thought i was safe... 138. i'm okay with that. 139 and i would have jumped off my house or gave birth to a farm animal, idk. i'da flipped a switch haha.
so i've had about 35cal and burned like 250.
i'm gettin' my control backk :) bout freakin time!
oh. btw. cute cuddly boy. mine. :) lol
strong, thin, pretty :) <3
lkhsdfiu ugh crappp
so last night with friends over i had a few pieces of pizza and we made cookies. so i had some... i had probably 4 gallons of water all together. no lie. so whatever i've gained, which idk what that is.. i mostly water weight. i hope. i can fast today because i think the parentals are going out and only one friend is going to be here today. maybe. next weekend i'm going to be alone. i think it's being with friends or people in general that ruins it. i can fast for a longggg time. it's people being around that ruins it. ugh. i feel like such crap. like, i almost don't even wanna run. oh but i'm gona take this seriously. more excuses to not eat.. i'm gonna tell my mom that with this running thing i need to eat really healthy so i can get this whole time thing down. but i cannot stop smoking. it's my sanctuary lol from food... ah.
running and sleeping today. riding tomorrow :) and running and sleeping mondayyyy, i hope.
i need to stay a good girl.
be stronggg <3
running and sleeping today. riding tomorrow :) and running and sleeping mondayyyy, i hope.
i need to stay a good girl.
be stronggg <3
Friday, September 25, 2009
hellz yeh! 137
exactly what i needed to be strong for a good while. 137! number almost as good as i feel.
i had a cracker and nibbled on cheese when i got up from my nap today and then walked it off on the treadmill :)
few friends are coming over tonight but not getting bakeddd. feelin like i can do this :)
and as for them boys. i adore both of them. but the big cuddly one is the one i'm leanin towards. :D awwww. sweet kid.
ahhhhhhhhh. sweet sweet skinny.
i'm on my way
stay strong <3
i had a cracker and nibbled on cheese when i got up from my nap today and then walked it off on the treadmill :)
few friends are coming over tonight but not getting bakeddd. feelin like i can do this :)
and as for them boys. i adore both of them. but the big cuddly one is the one i'm leanin towards. :D awwww. sweet kid.
ahhhhhhhhh. sweet sweet skinny.
i'm on my way
stay strong <3
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
whoa. busy busy.. fml 139
so i fasted fairly well on sunday :) then my mom cooked on monday night because it was her birthday and i couldn't not eat with her and her boyfriend. then yesterday i only had lunch and purged, ew. (k so what kind of school sells pizza with chicken on it?!)
i'm at a failing 139. wtf. i need 130.
oh i ate today but i caught myself. my mom made salty flour chips and i nibbled on one to try it and i kept nibbling for idk how long and purged. it turned out to be more than i thought
i've been running at least a mile every day. i've already ran 2 today. i hope that this running helps me lose faster and help kick my metabolism in the butt :)
aw k so about the boys: help me out here.
so there's this super sweet boy in my gym class. he's got a really good heart and he's just goofy :) but not the awkward goofy. and he's not hot, but like.. big teddy bear adorable :D and i'm killin for a boyfriend. oh and there's a cute kid on my bus in my chem class and i wana be like "hey lets stufy together" cuz he lives up my street but ... eh idk. this teddy bear guy in my gym class would be better to cuddle up next to and just fall asleep with :)) mmmmm. but he's like only a year older than me? idk. i like.. almost ilegally older guys. hehe.. but eh who knowsss....
k so fml.
i think i should eat like a normal human being for ONE DAY because i dangerously need to control my purging and intake. but i want it to be during the week so i can show my mom. i mean, she's not stalking me anymore but i can't show anything that can be suspicious. and i can't take stool softeners. but i'm scared out of my mind of my numbers being as ugly as i feel.
i tell myself i should for good reasons but i feel like i'm giving myself an excuse just to eat. i want to fast the day before i do though. so i effed it up for tomorrow. i'll fast the day before. eat normal. and then fast fast FAST.
when winter comes and i have my lisence i think it'll be less of a struggle because i can drive where ever, whenever and avoid food at all costs. i can stay at school or go to a different one and just run til i die or go to the barn which always burns plenty of calories. and i still don't know when my physical is.. but i'm going to continue to lose as much as possible with as much control as i can. i can stack up on clothes and water, whatever.
be strong loves <3
i'm at a failing 139. wtf. i need 130.
oh i ate today but i caught myself. my mom made salty flour chips and i nibbled on one to try it and i kept nibbling for idk how long and purged. it turned out to be more than i thought
i've been running at least a mile every day. i've already ran 2 today. i hope that this running helps me lose faster and help kick my metabolism in the butt :)
aw k so about the boys: help me out here.
so there's this super sweet boy in my gym class. he's got a really good heart and he's just goofy :) but not the awkward goofy. and he's not hot, but like.. big teddy bear adorable :D and i'm killin for a boyfriend. oh and there's a cute kid on my bus in my chem class and i wana be like "hey lets stufy together" cuz he lives up my street but ... eh idk. this teddy bear guy in my gym class would be better to cuddle up next to and just fall asleep with :)) mmmmm. but he's like only a year older than me? idk. i like.. almost ilegally older guys. hehe.. but eh who knowsss....
k so fml.
i think i should eat like a normal human being for ONE DAY because i dangerously need to control my purging and intake. but i want it to be during the week so i can show my mom. i mean, she's not stalking me anymore but i can't show anything that can be suspicious. and i can't take stool softeners. but i'm scared out of my mind of my numbers being as ugly as i feel.
i tell myself i should for good reasons but i feel like i'm giving myself an excuse just to eat. i want to fast the day before i do though. so i effed it up for tomorrow. i'll fast the day before. eat normal. and then fast fast FAST.
when winter comes and i have my lisence i think it'll be less of a struggle because i can drive where ever, whenever and avoid food at all costs. i can stay at school or go to a different one and just run til i die or go to the barn which always burns plenty of calories. and i still don't know when my physical is.. but i'm going to continue to lose as much as possible with as much control as i can. i can stack up on clothes and water, whatever.
be strong loves <3
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