:)

So my mom forced me into dinner. Which little does she know, I disposed of in the shower. Genius. I did take laxatives though, in case. But I am NOT going back to 145 no matter what. I did have to eat something so my bowels aren't digesting themselves. I had a sliver of cheesecake. Now my mom wants to go to a famous little ice cream shop. OH COME ON! But I'm not going, well I might, and if I do I won't get anything.

I think I'm divorcing my bitch-friend. It seriously feels like dumping a boyfriend I still like but it's just not working or whatever. I don't think I've ever been through a friend dump. Hurts.

Anyways, BARN TOMORROW! from the crack of dawn til 1 or later. Perfection. I'll sleep for a little while, ride, sleep some more, go for a walk. BURN BABY BURN!

Oh - of course. I want to thank anyone and everyone who's helping or supporting me. I so appreciate it. Go ahead though, get mean. Yell at me. Tell me how gross I am, tell me how worthless cravings and food are.

I'm scared too look at the scale, but technechally I think I'm still at 144. I'll check tomorrow morning and tomorrow night. If not, back to the choping up body parts and being tossed down a sewer.

ugh WHATEVERR

So last night my friend was over. She kind of knows about my relationship with food. And I pray she's not stalking my blog now, because she said she might. Anyways, last night she ate so much. She kept shoving cheesecake and key lime pie in my face. I'm proud to say I didn't even lick it. I did have 3/4 a cup of popcorn though. That's not even 50 calories. I stayed under 500 like I planned. And.. I don't have to throw myself in a sewer. I'm 144 as of today. Not proud of the number, just glad I broke 145. Which means I'm about to drop 5 lbs out of the sky, I think. Last time I broke a weight I was stuck at, I dropped like no one's business.

I just got off the treadmill. 300 calories. All I've had today is 2 crackers. I plan on keeping it really low or nothing it all. I plan not to eat til Friday, but if I do, be reasonable. I'm NOT going back to 145. Laxatives are saving my life here.

Don't have to worry about going to the bitch-friend's house. She's a bitch, after all. Always changing plans without telling me. So just not going. Which is good, I always have to eat there 'cause her mom feeds me like an endless pit. ..I'm really sick of this bitch. I love her family, I just can't stand her. I should be a bitch and just not go to her sweet 16 this Saturday. :) No one's gonna show up anyways, it's going to suck. Why would I want to be there?

I think I'll sleep most of the day away or walk some more. Won't be too hard resisting today. Should cook some food and toss it anyway, can't have my brother asking questions.

...I feel like crap.

Not good. Not better. Nothing..

I love hunger. I love being empty. I love getting smaller and smaller. I hate seeing the same number on the scale.

I planned on not eating til tomorrow but.. I had 3 crackers and a slice of cheese. That's about 100 calories? or less. I got on the treadmill for half an hour. Burned 300 calories and then did about 50 crunches. That's alot considering I haven't napped in 2 days. I'm a sleep-a-holic. I need like 15 hours a day/night to function right. The only reason I was wasn't numb to my hunger was becuase I didn't sleep much last night. Sleep helps me get numb.

I'm staying at 145lbs but.. I'm actually happy. I was 153lbs earilier this summer, this is progress no matter how I look at it. But it's not good. Not better. There is no 'good' or 'better' til I see my ribs and my hips and thighs are no longer taking over the world. People are noticing, at least, that I'm shrinking.. a little. People at the barn say things like "Oh my! losing weight?" It lets me know I'm getting my job done. I'm getting closer to my goal.
I don't exactly have a goal weight. Just a goal in general. GET SMALL. I wana be beautiful. I wana be thin. I'm getting there.

I also stole more laxatives from my mom for weak moments. They're not crazy strong and empty your body completely like the good ones I took, but they help. But hey, help is help, right? I'll munch today, maybe. No more than 500 calories. (when I limit myself like this I always end up staying wayyyy below) I prolly won't have more than 2 more crackers and a bite of something yummy.

I feel good today. I'd work out more but I already showered and I'm on my way to doing the girl stuff like my nails and what not. I'm also cleaning my room. The cat hair in here all over my sheets is killing me now.

If I'm not 144 or less by tomorrow, I'm slicing up my body and throwing myself down a sewer.
...Shit. Might as well not eat til Wednesday.

hands.off.food

No food yesterday. No food today.

Thinking thin..

This is really hard, especially because there's delicious desserts in the fridge. Ooooh my. YUMMY! Must... Not.... Touch!

Inspire me. Help me.

I'll make this one short. - (sortaa)

Today, went to the barn. Didn't ride. Rian. Mud fight with friend.
Didn't go for 2+ mile walk. Couldn't say goodbye.
No food. Cigs and coffee.

I feel like giving up. Not on Ana, oh God no! She's my best friend. Just, give up in general. Today I just felt all .. 'no will' and stuff. Bummer days I guess.
I have a friend coming over tomorrow night. Yay. But.. she eats CONSTANTLY so I'll have to keep feeding her.. Not eating til Tuesday 'cause I'm fasting along with a pal. Oh, and I'm back down to 145 lbs! Not so exciting. I've seen the number before. Finally recovered from the stupid dinner last night though.

I'm riding Tuesday night so I'll burn alot. Then going to the bitch-friend's house for a few days, it's her b-dayyy. She always has awesome food! .. Oh help me. TIPS?! I seriously need a pal I can talk to constantly. the evil voice in my head is enough to scare me but not if I have my laxatives, which I always do, but I'm running low, can't steal too much from my mom at a time. My scary voice is always there, but I need someone else to tell me "you're gross. don't touch it!"

Prolly won't blog much 'til Thursday? Friday? Eh... other than tomorrowww.

May the Strength be with me. .. haha, I made myself giggle :)

Thinspiration

No food tomorrow.

This will be Me.

Fallen apart

I'm bawling as I type. -

The food killed me tonight. I really ate as little as possible, but my mom's damn bread is so effing killer! .. Only 4 pieces though. About, I guess. I kept eating little pieces at a time. Oh, and a mini bite of cheesecake. :(

Tomorrow, I have a mission. Let me start from the beginning.
My horse, Hot Pocket was is his name, passed away a month ago. I had him for about a year, not even, but he became like.. my child. I still have his brother (by mother, me), but we're both taking it hard at heart. He was my jumper; he was going to take me to the big competitions where there's million dollar purses and you win cars and stuff. Real big. There's 6-7 or whatever stages of greif. I have to accept, and have hope, at last. I'm still at the second stage, I'd give anything for him to be back. Bargaining is the second step. I would give half my body (not the fat part, like literally half, straight down the middle) to have him back. He was dangerous, and I knew that. He'd never do anything bad with me on purpose, but.. Well his mom nearly killed 4 people and his cousin KILLED A CHICKEN AND ATE IT. ..My mom tells me he got sick and had to "die" to "save me." Bullshit. I feel like I died, walking through the days wishing I was underground, not him.
It's ripping me apart that I'm holding on so tight to something I can't accept isn't here anymore. I'm walking to his grave to say goodbye with my other horse, Romeo. I can't go alone, and we both need to do this. He's ready, though I am not. I think I need to do this. How unhealth it is to push myself through greif, I'm unsure. But, I guess by tomorrow I'll find out.

The moment he passed, (I was there holding him when he had to get put down, in other words, get killed for my safety), I had to take control. Him leaving made me realize I wasn't calling anymore shots. Well, WRONG. I'm controling that I'm not eating. .. this turned into the weight issue again.


BACK TO FOOD TAKING OVER MY LIFE AGAIN -
I'm riding tomorrow, and walking about 2 miles or more, at a fast pace because my horse does and I'm taking him with me, so I should burn everything I ate tonight and then some...
Ooh.. I feel the laxative working. Owwwwwwwww. Always pay for your sins. .. Kill meeeeee. Hate fooddddd.

I need a constant ana buddy to talk to. Email, txt, message, SOMETHING.